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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone else struggle with authority?

222 replies

Flowersinthehood · 07/03/2025 06:01

Not as in 'end up in a riot van' struggle!
I suppose I've never liked being told what to do. I have struggled with employers over the years as there's sometimes no logic in their decision making at times. But I've never been sacked as I'm a really hard worker, and I pick things up quickly. Actually I forgot I was sacked for not following the rules in a call centre.
Yesterday I had a bit of a run in with my manager. I wanted them to let me finish off something but it had to be passed on to someone else, as is the protocol. I asked if I could just have one week more on it, and she said well that is not your decision to make. I do get that, but that sort of saying or message just makes me feel pure rage.
And I don't know where that rage comes from.
It's a bit like parking tickets. I just will not pay them. I call up and I appeal each one and it ends up going to court but it's like I can't surrender as I just don't agree with the money grabbing nature of it.
Yet I'm not like this with friends and family, I'm always described as laid back. I never complain in restaurants or scrimp on tips. I will do anything for anyone, if I see the point.
I comply with school rules for my children and speak to teachers with respect.
But when I was at school one year they had to set up a separate classroom and I would do all my work in there, as I couldn't be told what to do. I did all my work and got good grades but I needed to be the one to direct myself.
Does anyone else feel similar? I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware. I am kind of demand avoidant and I can't cope if I know people don't like me. It eats me away inside. I am not dominant in relationships. It's more institutional or work place stuff I struggle with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowersinthehood · 07/03/2025 08:07

I do think 'the other side' know they need us though. Otherwise we wouldn't have weekends. Or women wouldn't have the vote.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 07/03/2025 08:08

sisterdaughter · 07/03/2025 08:00

@Flowersinthehood just to say on the parking charge thing, there was a radio 4 discussion where Winifred Robinson laid in to a private parking firm about the injustice of some of their charges. Obviously there can be parking fines to help control parking, but there has to be some scope for genuine human error. We got a fine for parking in a very rural spot when it was snowing, and the signs were all covered by snow. We had no idea you were meant to pay. We explained this but were still made to pay a ridiculous amount. It wasn't my car so I wasn't in control of the discussion but I'd probably have fought that very hard.

Here's the show

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0026v55

Yes,similarly I got a fine for parking on double yellows when they were covered with fallen autumn leaves and I couldn’t see them. I did challenge it, sent photos, but no joy.

TheScenicWay · 07/03/2025 08:09

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I just read 1984 and animal farm myself and it was the days when coursework played a big part. I didn't say I hadn't read them, we hadn't read them at school but they were acceptable for the exam board.

KimberleyClark · 07/03/2025 08:10

LavenderBlue19 · 07/03/2025 08:05

No? I can tell them, or they can just look in the jar. Also how often do you have builders in long enough to make their own drinks, that you need special jars for them?

Jars with words on are a bit common, tbh.

Show quote history

Well I’m not a snob so it hadn’t occurred to me they were common!

AngelinaFibres · 07/03/2025 08:20

Flowersinthehood · 07/03/2025 06:44

@KimberleyClark it's not that, it's the way that overstaying by 10 minutes becomes a £60 fine and then if you can't pay that within a set time it's a £150 fine. It's ridiculous and I've asked the parking companies for a break down of how they calculate these fines and where the money is spent etc. I don't understand how it's legal. Just feels like a tax on the poor, they don't even offer payment plans.

Sorry but that's just ridiculous. You have paid to 'rent' the space your car is parked in for a set period of time. If you overstay that time there is a fine. Its a big amount because, if it was a fiver , people would just stay in that space for longer and longer. If you don't want the fine then pay for longer in the first place or use an app and top up as you go. It's not rocket science.

Yalta · 07/03/2025 08:20

KimberleyClark · 07/03/2025 06:36

I think refusing to pay parking fines isn’t a bit arrogant, you think the rules don’t apply to you and that you should be able to park where you like?

I struggle to pay fines and will argue all the way to court to prove why I shouldn’t pay

Have won all the cases I have argued

Sometimes the rules don’t make sense or the signs are too high to read or their is no clear signage or the signage is placed incorrectly and puts you in a position where you are going to get a fine whatever you do.

Currently 13 months arguing with a parking company and now a solicitor about getting a fine for parking in the employers FREE car park at a place I work at regularly

Also arguing with a power company about their nonsensical 4 figure bill. Took it to the ombudsman who reduced it to low hundreds. Now arguing with the ombudsman who took my case off the person I was in contact with and gave it to someone who reviewed my case in 48 hours and had no idea about back billing.I don’t think I should pay even the low hundreds amount

I will pay a fine if I know I have actually committed the offence

I work in different locations and parking can be difficult and in certain locations if a large event is on people charge silly money to use their driveway or in carparks around the event

Sometimes the parking fine is cheaper than the actual parking charge

One location was charging £50 for parking for the day but the fine for not paying the £50 was £70, reduced to £35 if you pay within 14 days

I always look to see if companies have adhered to the regulations before I pay any fine. You will be surprised at the number of councils, government departments and companies who don’t adhere to the rules and regulations and just say you need to pay them over and over with no thought for the rules or explanations why it isn’t a valid claim

One company removed a payment from an account I had with them and said they had allocated it to a previous account that had a final balance that was the starting figure of my current account.
When I tried to explain that if you remove an amount from one account and place it into the previous account the balance overall wouldn’t be altered. They just didn’t get it.

Maths in the accounts department wasn’t a strong feature

Arrivals4lucky · 07/03/2025 08:22

Me. I grew up in a conflict zone and have a distaste and distrust of authoritarian figures, police and military that borders on the irrational…

Arrivals4lucky · 07/03/2025 08:23

In fact anyone in uniform makes me twitch…

BetterDeadThanRed · 07/03/2025 08:24

Sunnysideup4eva · 07/03/2025 07:18

This is one of the issues I have with things like 'gentle parenting' - it's leads to people feeling they are owed an explanation, a reason for why something is the way it is, they can't just be told no.
OP you need to ask yourself why you feel entitled to an explanation, a justification for why you can't have your own way. Maybe you just can't, that's life, we don't always get our own way and sometimes there isn't a good reason.

No. It's the absolute other way around. My parents were totalitarian: do what I say because I say so or else. Never explaining or giving any justification for any of their desicions. We're adults, we want/need this and fuck you very much if you don't like it or don't understand it.

And I'm like the OP. This lead to fundamental clashes with them and I completely rebelled in my teens. I only wanted them to explain some arbitrary nonsensical rules set for me and listen to my side and my points sometimes, so we could have a discussion. I'm not talking about every little simplest thing like 'you have to go to school', 'you have to shower everyday' - not stuff like that. However, they refused to do so, coming up with 'wer're your parents and you'll obey us always'

And I simply didn't. Deliberately. Did whatever I wanted. They punished me, they beat me, used to hit me with various objects, fists, whip me with leather belts and I just laughed to their faces telling them to fuck themselves and they hit me more. They dragged me to a police inspector (father's friend) to give me 'a talk' to put some fear into me. I told him to fuck off too, he couldn't do anything to me, I haven't commited any crime and knew it. Then they threatened to kick me out of home - so I said fine, picked up some stuff and left for months until they eventually found me and dragged me back.

I wasn't a horrible teen in a sense of being in fights, destroying property, stealing, selling drugs, hurting people - I did none of that. And like the OP I had brilliant grades, so wasn't a bad student. I just rebelled against arbitrary pointless rules with no explanation other that 'because I said so'.

I don't have much of a relationship with them now and don't let them close to my DD who I parent differently. Not exactly gentle parenting, I'm more of a fair authoritarian, but open for discussions, negotiation and listening to other side. There are non-negotiable basic fundamentals (shower, clean your room, etc), but the rest is not a blanket rule.

Like the OP, I will obey the rules if I personally see a point in them. Like don't drink and drive. That's logical. But completely disregard 'because I said so' ones. Like during covid, when you could go for a walk, but not sit on a bench. Fuck that.

I work for myself, have my own business, rather successful. Best decision I ever made. I've worked for 'bosses' before. If they were fair and intelligent - fine, had no problem with them. Lording over me? Nope.

I have a disdain for people, who call themselves 'sticklers to the rules'. 'Computer says so' people. All my friends are like me.

I don't much care if it's arrogant, tbh.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/03/2025 08:26

TheScenicWay · 07/03/2025 08:09

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I just read 1984 and animal farm myself and it was the days when coursework played a big part. I didn't say I hadn't read them, we hadn't read them at school but they were acceptable for the exam board.

Your pp implied that you hadn’t read any of the required books. In clearer, plain English, you could have said that you chose to read other options from the official syllabus.

Nothatgingerpirate · 07/03/2025 08:26

Yes, all my life.
46 yo, obvious culprit were emotionally abusive parents and "upbringing" in a former Communist country.

Wildflowers99 · 07/03/2025 08:26

Yalta · 07/03/2025 08:20

I struggle to pay fines and will argue all the way to court to prove why I shouldn’t pay

Have won all the cases I have argued

Sometimes the rules don’t make sense or the signs are too high to read or their is no clear signage or the signage is placed incorrectly and puts you in a position where you are going to get a fine whatever you do.

Currently 13 months arguing with a parking company and now a solicitor about getting a fine for parking in the employers FREE car park at a place I work at regularly

Also arguing with a power company about their nonsensical 4 figure bill. Took it to the ombudsman who reduced it to low hundreds. Now arguing with the ombudsman who took my case off the person I was in contact with and gave it to someone who reviewed my case in 48 hours and had no idea about back billing.I don’t think I should pay even the low hundreds amount

I will pay a fine if I know I have actually committed the offence

I work in different locations and parking can be difficult and in certain locations if a large event is on people charge silly money to use their driveway or in carparks around the event

Sometimes the parking fine is cheaper than the actual parking charge

One location was charging £50 for parking for the day but the fine for not paying the £50 was £70, reduced to £35 if you pay within 14 days

I always look to see if companies have adhered to the regulations before I pay any fine. You will be surprised at the number of councils, government departments and companies who don’t adhere to the rules and regulations and just say you need to pay them over and over with no thought for the rules or explanations why it isn’t a valid claim

One company removed a payment from an account I had with them and said they had allocated it to a previous account that had a final balance that was the starting figure of my current account.
When I tried to explain that if you remove an amount from one account and place it into the previous account the balance overall wouldn’t be altered. They just didn’t get it.

Maths in the accounts department wasn’t a strong feature

Show quote history

It sounds like you almost never park where you should?!

There are a lot of hobby litigants out there, and they’re a nightmare.

Likewhatever · 07/03/2025 08:26

I do struggle with authority but often it’s the way authority is exercised that gives me most trouble. As long as there’s mutual respect I can deal with it, but someone throwing their weight around because it makes them feel important won’t find me cooperative.

financialcareerstuff · 07/03/2025 08:30

@Wish44 I don’t agree that managers owe you an explanation op. The deal is they ask you to do something, you do it, and then they pay you. That’s it. So long as they obey the law obvs/

If we really believed this, how would any system improve? Positive change rarely comes top down... it comes from people at every level being able to express initiative and challenge constructively whether the way things are done is the best way. Employees are not automatums- certainly not in high performing organisations...... the business won't perform well, and the morale, productivity and employee retention will be terrible.

Managers do not always know what is best. They can be very stuck in their ways, they can have power and political agendas, they can have outdated knowledge, and they lack the direct hands-on experience of employees to understand frontline perspectives and insight.

Of course, objections, challenges, new ideas etc need to be selective and constructively expressed, but blind obedience really isn't a good system of employment. And very few employers would even suggest this is what they want anymore.

Wildflowers99 · 07/03/2025 08:32

Ok so I’ve read the thread now and I can see a pattern.

There are a LOT of people now who are ‘social justice warriors’, who enjoy fighting the authorities and the buzz of getting what they feel they’re entitled to (even if other people aren’t). We deal with them all the time at work, and they’re an absolute nightmare - litigating over the smallest thing, spamming us with emails as to why they’re oppressed/victimised, calling us ‘the powers that be’ (you get the picture).

The main driver in my opinion isn’t arrogance or anything like that - it’s paranoia. Paranoia that they somehow are treated as lesser, and targeted by people who frankly barely know who they are. And just as the opposite of love is apathy, so is paranoia - secretly you WANT people to be talking about and deferring to you, because your life feels powerless and lacking in other ways. Secretly you want that authority for yourself.

I have no problem with authority but then I’m fairly confident and happy with life. I can see how if you’re not, it leads to becoming very thin skinned and a determination to prove yourself.

jackspratswife01 · 07/03/2025 08:32

Hi there have a look at Locus of Control it's a psychological term for believing you have power over your own destiny, you may feel twarted when you have no power, I know I do ... 🤣

ElsieMc · 07/03/2025 08:33

Yes, me. It began from a feeling of injustice and powerlessness arising from family court proceedings when our gs's were to be placed with us.

Instead of support, we received condemnation and outright hostility. This being due to the insistence his dad, a proven, convicted violent offender being given access to a defenceless little boy which I opposed. I will never get over the judge and the cafcass officer.

The special guardianship report referred to my having no respect for authority. It made me sound like an anarchist.

You are not alone op but it arises from a variety of reasons.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/03/2025 08:37

this had really made me think as I’m generally a contrarian who doesn’t like being told what to do. I realise though it’s me with the problem as even though I don’t like authority, just reading the title made me immediately want say that I do like authority just to be contrary….

BarkLife · 07/03/2025 08:37

I do think it's neurodivergence. Consider the autistic trait of black and white thinking, or labelling people either angels or demons. It can be very hard for (some - not all!) autistic people to see grey areas and compromise. It's part of the neurotype. It can also be driven by anxiety, which you might not 'feel' because of alexithymia.

RampantIvy · 07/03/2025 08:38

Genevieva · 07/03/2025 06:39

Have you thought about running your own business instead of being an employee?

This is exactly the reason that DH started his own company. He has never got on with any of his managers and really hates authority. He says it is because his mother was very overbearing and strict when he was a child, but I also suspect that he is on the autism spectrum (as does he) as he displays other traits.

Arrivals4lucky · 07/03/2025 08:38

ElsieMc · 07/03/2025 08:33

Yes, me. It began from a feeling of injustice and powerlessness arising from family court proceedings when our gs's were to be placed with us.

Instead of support, we received condemnation and outright hostility. This being due to the insistence his dad, a proven, convicted violent offender being given access to a defenceless little boy which I opposed. I will never get over the judge and the cafcass officer.

The special guardianship report referred to my having no respect for authority. It made me sound like an anarchist.

You are not alone op but it arises from a variety of reasons.

Anarchist! That made me laugh. 😆
we instill respect in our children, for their teachers etc but have also taught them they don’t automatically have to do what someone says necessary because they’re in a uniform - police for example. Apply common sense.
or the local Vicar or Priest. Their authority is founded on something I just do t believe in and giving someone power or respect over and above the norm because they wear a dog collar is ridiculous

Maitri108 · 07/03/2025 08:40

I don't have a problem with authority and have no problem following instructions or laws. I do have a problem with dicks who misuse their authority or power.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/03/2025 08:41

I sometimes have that impulse but generally I have learnt to recognise it, manage and channel it. As a child it was definitely about control, I would even self sabotage by refusing to come on family outings that I wanted to go on just because I felt I had had no say in the matter.

It can sometimes be positive to challenge thr accepted way of doing things but getting in petty disputes over small things makes your life unhappy and makes you a massive pain in ther arse to everyone else.

TheaBrandt1 · 07/03/2025 08:42

Always been a good girl rule follower but in last few years that is going to- perimenopause definitely. Lucky I’m self employed cannot imagine another adult telling me whether I’m allowed to go on holiday or not!

Penguinmouse · 07/03/2025 08:44

KimberleyClark · 07/03/2025 06:36

I think refusing to pay parking fines isn’t a bit arrogant, you think the rules don’t apply to you and that you should be able to park where you like?

I would say that’s the definition of arrogant!

Isn’t your life just exhausting OP? Protesting and appealing every parking ticket just because you can’t follow a simple instruction.