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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To somehow retract my original response?

224 replies

Docmac · 06/03/2025 05:40

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

OP posts:
FannyBawz · 06/03/2025 05:47

Actually, you’ve very graciously forgiven him for being a misery. You now get to be completely blunt the next time he steps over the line.

which he will.

because if he can’t control his mood when you’re new - he’s not a keeper.

in your shoes, however, I’d be saying a bit more to him face to face. “Do not treat me like that” and take it from there. You’ve kind of only got one chance to set the tone of your relationship and it’s at the start.

Original poster
Docmac · 06/03/2025 05:48

FannyBawz · 06/03/2025 05:47

Actually, you’ve very graciously forgiven him for being a misery. You now get to be completely blunt the next time he steps over the line.

which he will.

because if he can’t control his mood when you’re new - he’s not a keeper.

in your shoes, however, I’d be saying a bit more to him face to face. “Do not treat me like that” and take it from there. You’ve kind of only got one chance to set the tone of your relationship and it’s at the start.

Thank you. I wish I’d thought about this before I replied to him. I wish I’d taken the chance to set out my boundaries and expectations more clearly.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 06/03/2025 05:51

Yes delete it right away!

Glorybox2025 · 06/03/2025 05:56

MaggieBsBoat · 06/03/2025 05:51

Yes delete it right away!

I expect it's too late for that!

OP I would say a bit of what you've said here. Tell him you responded in a way that was meant to make him feel better, because you care about him, but actually it was hurtful and upsetting to be on the receiving end of his stress and you don't want to experience it again.

BlueMum16 · 06/03/2025 06:02

Docmac · 06/03/2025 05:48

Thank you. I wish I’d thought about this before I replied to him. I wish I’d taken the chance to set out my boundaries and expectations more clearly.

Show quote history

So do it now when you meet up. Arrange to go for a coffee and explain you understand but will not accept taking the brunt of his moods.
He needs better coping skills for stress.

Squirrelblanket · 06/03/2025 06:06

Yeah I would just have firm words when you see him. With my husband, I've learned I get better results accepting an apology graciously and then speaking to him after the dust has settled a bit to say actually that behaviour wasn't ok, than going straight in there when feelings are high. I feel it helps when you can both talk about it when things are calmer.

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:18

I would say something like

'Just to follow up from my last message after your apology - I don't deserve to be at the receiving end of anyone's stress - it was upsetting for me at times - so I hope now you've reflected on the past few weeks, you'll find healthier ways of coping in the future'

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:19

But to be honest if it was me, I'd have dumped him.

He won't change.

Original poster
Docmac · 06/03/2025 06:36

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:18

I would say something like

'Just to follow up from my last message after your apology - I don't deserve to be at the receiving end of anyone's stress - it was upsetting for me at times - so I hope now you've reflected on the past few weeks, you'll find healthier ways of coping in the future'

Thank you. This is how I plan to address it.

I was expecting to receive a load of responses about how intolerant I was being and that I should’ve been more understanding of his stress. I’m relieved the women of MN don’t feel that people get to talk to us that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Docmac · 06/03/2025 06:38

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:19

But to be honest if it was me, I'd have dumped him.

He won't change.

There are moments when I crossed my mind but it hasn’t been relentless or abusive. More just tiring to experienced it intermittently over the course of two weeks. It’s a far cry from how our relationship usually is.

OP posts:
yourmaw · 06/03/2025 06:38

given his extended period of shite behaviour,your thnk fuck thats over-welcome end...isnt shocking really.
BUT
wake up n realise- that was shit IS (red flag)key...to next page....sorry happens once/change follows
is he likely get irked,aggitated,overloaded,stresst again, will you suffer similarly? every time,incresasingly worse?
fawning is reactive, so is appreciating apology =so hes accuntable.good.
two weeks of "hideously grumpy".....? and all that comes with that...be fair t say-actually i hated every day of that.its not ok. you dont need repeat drag out-but make some nise/quit while ahead

NeonGiraffe · 06/03/2025 06:41

Don't do this by text! Have a calm discussion about how it made you feel, and set boundaries around how he manages his feelings around you going forward when you next meet.

bettydavieseyes · 06/03/2025 06:42

FannyBawz · 06/03/2025 05:47

Actually, you’ve very graciously forgiven him for being a misery. You now get to be completely blunt the next time he steps over the line.

which he will.

because if he can’t control his mood when you’re new - he’s not a keeper.

in your shoes, however, I’d be saying a bit more to him face to face. “Do not treat me like that” and take it from there. You’ve kind of only got one chance to set the tone of your relationship and it’s at the start.

I agree with this.

If he's treating you like this at the start of a relationship it's not a good sign.

Original poster
Docmac · 06/03/2025 06:42

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:19

But to be honest if it was me, I'd have dumped him.

He won't change.

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

This has given me more pause for thought than the initial issue. I’m not sure indefinite time apart in times of stress really appeals to me in a relationship.

Maybe I’ve been single too long but I don’t recall that being needed in any previous relationships.

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 06/03/2025 06:44

I'm surprised that you want to continue dating him. He's someone who takes stress out on his partner. That won't change

Theoscargoesto · 06/03/2025 06:47

Isn’t it about clear communication? But you are allowed to say, “with a bit of distance and having thought about it, you didn’t behave well and my response was not the right one. What I really think is……”. Interesting that you feel you need permission to say that.

Original poster
Docmac · 06/03/2025 06:49

Theoscargoesto · 06/03/2025 06:47

Isn’t it about clear communication? But you are allowed to say, “with a bit of distance and having thought about it, you didn’t behave well and my response was not the right one. What I really think is……”. Interesting that you feel you need permission to say that.

To be honest I was grappling with myself about whether I was just being unsympathetic about his stress and trying to recall whether this was normal in a relationship. I’ve been single for so long!

Granted I’m sure my ex husband was a moody guy sometimes but how you behave in a marriage and how you behave during the honeymoon period are two different things, in my view.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 06/03/2025 06:49

Walk away now. My ex has a terrible way of dealing with stress and arguments, the silent treatment was his main way. I should have walked away the first time I saw it happen early on in the relationship.

Nellienooiloveyou · 06/03/2025 06:50

I think you definitely need to retract it. Otherwise you’ve just given someone a green light to mistreat you.

just say you wanted to understand but realised it didn’t feel right and actually you want to say what you really think.

I firmly believe we find our match, I think that’s been played out here - he would have been unconsciously seeking a punchbag in a partner and you said “yay go ahead, over here..” so all on track. It’s great to hear you stepping into change that dynamic!

Speak up my love! You’re in for a lot of abuse if you don’t. In fact I’d run like hell now if it were me. He’s shown you who he is and how he’s likely to behave, believe him - when there is a problem in his life he is going to project all his feelings onto you instead of the appropriate place/processing it himself.

Run run run

Nellienooiloveyou · 06/03/2025 06:52

So this response again is putting the onus on you. He’s saying “when I’m annoyed I’ll take it out on you”

yuk!!!

he will likely say “I did tell you” further down the line, but then your self esteem is likely to be so low as you’ll be in a cycle of abuse

cheerupbuttercup · 06/03/2025 06:52

The right response to your apology was for him to say "don't be daft- not your fault at all. I'm sorry- let me make it up to you with dinner etc etc". Not "well actually yes, please leave me alone in future".

He sounds like a prat OP. Throw him back in the sea.

autisticbookworm · 06/03/2025 06:53

The issue is this is how he manages stress. So things may go back to normal and all will be good but presumably the next time he gets stressed the same thing will happen. And what happens if you merge your lives together and get joint stress are you going to have to manage him? Think carefully if this is what you want

And your reaction to his message was gratitude. You were grateful he was being nice again. Be careful of that response it can lead to accepting crap behaviour to get the 'reward ' of the kindness.

MotionofTime · 06/03/2025 06:53

Docmac · 06/03/2025 06:42

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

This has given me more pause for thought than the initial issue. I’m not sure indefinite time apart in times of stress really appeals to me in a relationship.

Maybe I’ve been single too long but I don’t recall that being needed in any previous relationships.

Edited
Show quote history

Hmm yes that's not exactly a healthy way of coping.

You need to trust he can work through stress in a non damaging way- otherwise... what do you do, stop talking entirely whenever he's stressed so he doesn't treat you badly? That's not remotely healthy/fair.

You'd be on eggshells.

SundayNightBluesAreHere · 06/03/2025 06:54

After his last message, that would be a no from me.

autisticbookworm · 06/03/2025 06:55

Following on from your update maybe you need a talk about how he responds to stress and if this reaction was typical for him.