To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

Just read your update / his reply. Throw this one back OP.

Next time, better leave me alone… or else it’ll be your fault when I treat you badly.

Nope! Chuck this one back, OP.

You've been kind. But when you see him face to face you could bring it up and say it was hard for you. Then if it happens again you will be more equipped to deal with it how you want to.

Also I'd be very surprised if there weren't other signs of this behaviour elsewhere eg a poor relationship history where he thinks everyone else is at fault for being too sensitive or not understanding his "feelings"

To quote Rizzo "he sounds like a drag".

He's a man-child who can't control his moods when he's in a grump, even with his shiny new partner whom he should be in the honeymoon period with. Being stressed is no excuse to be rude. Be grateful he's shown this side so soon. Dump!

@TheWayTheLightFalls I think exactly the same thing. I don't think we're cynical though as he has literally told her there will be a next time and he expects her to adjust her behaviour to accommodate!

Mask... Slipping!

The appropriate response to your generosity in the face of him behaving inappropriately is for him to apologise, to accept responsibility for addressing his poor coping skills in the future and to reassure you he won’t treat you that way again. Instead he’s essentially saying this is how I am so you’ll have to learn to live with it and stay out of my way. What a charmer. I say run! If he’s behaving like this this early on I dread to think where he could get to in the future.

I think he has done you a favour by sending this message, as it means you can retract your initial response without losing face.

I was with someone who was exactly the same during periods of stress. He would take it out on me and then say that I should know to leave him alone when he's like this. No apology and all the blame put on me. Unfortunately, he had a stressful job, so I constantly found myself on the receiving end of his bad moods. I wish I had walked away at the beginning.

What exactly is he this stressed about? Is it my-child-is-critically-ill-in-ICU, stressed, or I've-got-a-lot-on-at-work stressed?

Because if is a simple everyday life is tough sometimes situation I would be thinking long and hard about throwing this one back. Bring stressed is not an excuse for being unpleasant and selfish.

this

short and sweet and all the information he needs

you don’t need to explain givens like “I don’t want to be treated like that” etc..they are givens in healthy relationships. So unless you want to sign up to being someone’s sounding board (aka punch bag this scenario) while they work on themselves to relate healthily don’t carry on with this man.

I think all the replies here are making it clear what you are signing up to… carry on in this awareness, if you must carry on. You won’t be able to blame him down the line

OP - YANBU
Him - 🚩🚩🚩

He’s told you he either can’t or won’t regulate his emotions. If he’s stressed for some reason he will take it out on you and you can take it or leave it.

I’d end it and hold out for someone who doesn’t think everyone around them has to be also be miserable when they are unhappy about something.

Was the stress caused by a very overwhelming and unusual life event (seriously ill loved one, bereavement, redundancy etc) or was it something more mundane - busy period at work, having something done to the house, a minor illness and so forth? Because life happens and life can be stressful and we all need coping mechanisms for the usual stuff and that can’t be being a dick to people who care about us. I wouldn’t bother with someone like this myself.

It’s probably worth spending some time understanding why your immediate reaction was to apologise to someone who is treating you poorly, and why you felt you had to put up with his moods for two weeks before that.

I think I would message him again saying given that you think it's going to happen again, I retract my previous statement because I assumed that was a one off. Your behaviour was so bad that I wanted to end the relationship. It was only your insistence that it was a one off that stopped me from doing that. Now you say it may well happen again, so I'm going to go with my gut feeling and end this now. I felt absolutely horrible (explain how) when you were behaving like that and I don't want to go through that again.

Nailed it!

Definitely the latter. Nothing major.

I'd reply with something along the lines of

So my options when you're stressed are to be treated like crap or just leave you alone? No option for you to work on how you cope with your stress? Sorry that's not the type of relationship I want.

He's trying to get off scott free from taking any responsibility for his actions, don't take it OP

Was he rude and snappy to his friends while he was stressed, or did he reserve that treatment just for you?

You are minimising this
How long have you been together?

Just call it a day. Dating should not be stressful.
Sounds like the ‘lovely’ mask has slipped and the true person has came out.

I’d send something along these lines, you don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of this.

This is exactly what I was going to say. One chance saloon to be a decent human being, or off then go in the bin.

Oh my god woman, what are you doing?! You may as well have sent him a message saying ' next time I'll lie down so you can properly walk all over me.'

Just dump him. He's doing you a massive favour here by telling you exactly the type of man he is

You ignore this warning at your peril

'I apologied to see if you would say 'No, it isn't your fault' so this response is disappointing. I think the solution is to leave you alone permanently as you cannot regulate your emotions like a grown up, so adios amigo'.

Two weeks is a long time to be behaving poorly, that wouldn’t be acceptable to me. If he’s stressed he needs to handle it better or stay away if he’s going to be unpleasant.