To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

He came back and made a joke about it?? And clearly knew what he did but didn’t feel bad enough about it to be conciliatory?

yeah, this guy is trouble.

joking = “you’re overreacting” ( you’re not)
self aware but no shame or guilt = cavalier with other peoples feelings and unable to emphathise with the fact you were hurt

Both dumping offences

Agree. I set him straight that it wasn’t funny and he was awful, and that he owed me a massive apology. We do joke around a ton usually so I don’t think he realised how serious I was. I got caught up with work after that but he’s sent some very sweet messages since, but I’ve not replied. I can’t find the energy or the words at the moment.

I will say, he wasn’t intolerably awful. Not constantly mean or anything like that. It was more the extended timeline of 2 weeks of random snappiness or stilted phone calls, that sucked the life out of me. There was some normality in between.

As time goes on, this is the side of him you'll see more often than not.

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

So it was your own fault he was grumpy and taking it out on you, YOU wouldn't leave him alone. See how he's thinking! This guy is not a keeper.

Why did he hang up when you were on the train? What could possibly be wrong there?

There’s always some normality in between.

the biggest tell is your intuition and instinct. You’re bothered enough to post here and you’re unhappy. Listen to your inner sensible person. She knows the score ;)

You deserve so much better than to feel like a slightly irritating acquaintance.... You shouldn't have to fight to be heard or encourage him to treat you in a better way either. You're not his guardian.

Women have got to stop settling for this shit. Arsehole men aren't going to modify their behaviour when so many are willing to accept it.

Good grief

Do you have any self respect?

Agree. And even if I didn't agree that dumping is a fitting punishment (I do btw) I dint think it's up to women to teach men to be better. Some men are just broken and shouldn't be in anyones life.

I think this poster is seeing it how it is op and you are not willing to.

I have to say my first thought reading your post was “this person sounds like they have very low self value”

your in for a terrible ride with this man unless you listen to all the reflections here

its like you laid out what had happened, everyone said completely not ok and emotionally abusive and then you've continued to say “yes but, yes but, yes but”

I dont think you want to let yourself hear the truth in this situation.

The pattern is one of emotional abuse but your fighting it with excuses. Like your trying to talk your way round seeing whats right in front of you

believe it because hes telling you clearly what your signing up for, especially with his response of its on you and for you to manage his moods by staying away when its happens again, which it will, he’s told you that clearly.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that, whilst I’m in the ‘bin him’ camp (for reasons stated earlier), I don’t think he’s emotionally abusive, and I certainly don’t think that OP lacks self-respect. I just think he’s a grumpy arse, who isn’t capable of riding the crests and troughs of life’s waves with equanimity, and isn’t capable of apologising when he’s been a grumpy arse. He’s one of life’s drains, rather than a radiator, and OP is clearly a lovely person who should hold out for a radiator. If he’s good company when he’s riding a crest, OP, you could always just see him as a friend with benefits until something better comes along - just make sure you tell him that, in future, if he’s experiencing difficulties regulating his mood (like a giant toddler), the onus is on him to be honest with you about it, and to stay away from you until he’s capable of exercising a bit of self-control.

Just send him this, wot @CheesePlantBoxes said

Perfect.

I'm glad that our relationship has helped you figure out.what works best for you. Unfortunately it has also given me time to reflect and I've realised that I'm looking for a partner who can roll with life's difficulties and not take things out on me therefore I think its best we go our seperate ways and find people who fit us better."

Now think of something fun to do with yourself today, even splash out on something you might not usually go for. You deserve a bit of distraction. And get yourself some help with that apologising for things that are not your fault.

@LBFseBrom

When he snaps again tell him you are not putting up with it

Nah, don't give anyone another chance to treat you badly. Why would you do that, other than to signal that it's ok to go ahead and keep doing it.

Could you be overthinking this?

Maybe focus on how his apology and recognition of his behaviour was really nice and appreciated but since he raised it... X was difficult for you

Please please please walk away. You are worth so much more than this idiot. It will get worse.

Come on. Where is your self respect, why are you even giving this headspace. Two weeks, are you kidding me. Weve joked about tons, two weeks, no you havent. This sounds like you need a man, in fact any man. Please just walk away now, you wont even miss him. You do know it will get worse dont you.

Eh?? so she should go in and do all the legwork and sugar coating and be oh so accommodating?

Alternatively, she could just dump his sorry ass and stop massaging male egos and hurty feels at the expense of her own well-being.

I don't think she should have apologised.

But yeah, he's a man she's been dating that she keeps saying is usually pretty decent, was for 2 weeks under pressure from work and snappy/irritable/quiet. This isn't consistent nasty behaviour. He wasn't always like that it was 2 weeks of normality with this "peppered in" He communicated while it was on going, its not you, its not us, I'm just having a hard time. Then when he resolves his stressor he reaches out and acknowledges he's been a pain and apologises.

Sounds reasonable. I think she should be grateful for the apology, graciously accept it but also reaffirm he's right, it was hard and upsetting but she appreciates him owning it.

I don't think any woman should hurt herself emotionally to soothe the ego of a partner. But I also think part of improving yourself is believing a man who's been consistent who says, I'm not great atm it's not us bear with me. Especially when he then resolves the issue communicates it and apologises. Not every huff is personal. No partner is perfect.

Of course she didn't need to apologise to him but that isn't his fault. So yeah I'd calmly say that recognition and apology meant alot but actually it did hurt me.

I wouldn't dump him because he's quiet and snappy for 2 weeks during a stressful work thing he's communicated about. But we may have to agree to disagree and that's fine

He's showing you who he REALLY is.. if you feel the way you do now after such a short time you will be mentally up the walll in the future.
Bow out now move on stay happily single .
Dont ignore your feelings .

You are being unresonable, to yourself.
He was grumpy and apologised. You say that you told him there was not a problem and at the time it was the right thing to say.
Now the stress has gone, say I could see that you were upset, and I did not want to exacerbate the problem, but actually at the time I felt a.b and c. If you want this relationship to flourish be honest with him, and yourself.

I don’t think you’ve read the post properly.

he wasn’t a bit grumpy

It went on two weeks where he intermittently
remained silent
snapped at her out of the blue
blamed her for things

the intermittent pattern is common in abuse as it makes you more likely to stay seeking the reward of the intermittent normal loving behaviour

OP felt drained and exhausted by the behaviour. she then went into what she describes as a “fawn” response when he acknowledged it - fawning is a trauma response

he then added “yeah you better remove yourself next time” putting the onus on her and telling her it will happen again

so this isn’t just grumpy, it’s red flag behaviour that tells you this person could continue to be emotionally abusive

he has told her to expect again so the ball is in OPs court about whether she is up for that and most posters on here are warning her to end this relationship

I guess he doesn't want the temptation of snapping at you if you're together?
He needs to get some tools for dealing with stress. Not alcohol.

Breath work is very good.
Sleep guided meditation is very good as it helps program your thoughts as you fall asleep and it feeds calming affirmations into your mind and when you wake up, you're calmer because you're not falling asleep thinking about the stressy shit. It was life changing for me.
Therapy.
Do the garden?

You shouldn't put up with having to walk on eggshells though. That won't be the relationship you deserve

Oh! That's even worse! 'Next time' wtaf!!

Your making excuses for him and classically playing down what he's been doing knowing it's wrong.