To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

Well now you know you’re not going to get that I’d cut my losses early in the relationship and move on to seek better pastures. Moody people are an absolute deal breaker for me.

OP i ignored this very red flag and married him. It is a disaster. I had never felt so happy and in love, I was 47 when we met. Now, we have separated as the abuse escalated. Everything was my fault for his inability to regulate his emotion. (E.g. printing my son's passport form urgently, in MY home office, when he wanted peace and quiet).

Don't listen to the naive and confront him, it is not worth it. He will be manipultive/nasty and wants engagement. I did, repeatedly, and am now so sad for myself that I wasted that time and hurt the core of myself and my family

He's making you feel confused and self-doubting. The fun bit has been over for a couple of weeks now. Reclaim your sef-respect, move on, leave him in the past.

I’m so sorry but please RUN a mile - 6 months is the end of the honeymoon phase, he’s showing you who he really is, he’s affecting your mental health and he isn’t even apologetic which shows you he isn’t willing to change. Believe me (from experience) years of this treatment will grind down your self esteem. It sounds like you’ve had a lovely single life, and you don’t deserve to have a man’s moods dictate how you feel about yourself x

That's not grey.

This is supposed to be a romantic relationship. Therefore being treated like an acquaintance isn't grey. Maybe the relationship isn't what you thought it was, at least not on his end.

OP are you planning to stay with him after this?

Nah fuck this. He sounds like hard work and very emotionally immature. Total turn off.

Life is hard. People have stressful jobs, health scares, financial problems, issues with neighbours, boiler packs in, someone writes your car off etc. I can't think of a single year since I've been an adult where something hasn't happened that was stressful at some point. Some years have been really hard. I'm now a carer for a disabled DC so life = stress as a baseline. If he can't handle life as an adult without using his partner as an emotional punchbag (by ignoring, snapping etc) or has to temporarily opt out of his relationship in order to cope with life, then he's not capable of being in a grown up partnership.

If you like him and it's a bit of fun, then maybe it's OK to just have a breezy relationship and take a step back when life gets "real". But if you want an actual partner with commitment and all that entails, he is NOT the one. He's just not up to it.

6 months?! Nah. The last few weeks were a test of what he could get away with, how awful he could be to you and not only did you tolerate it, you also apologized?!

"To be honest, I'm not comfortable with how you treated me and I don't see a future here. All the best."

Then block. Seriously.

OP six months is still the honeymoon period but it also isn't a brand new relationship and it's important you decide whether this is worth investing more time in (unless you just quite like having him around and don't really mind if he has long term potential!). Both his responses are a major red flag.

What I initially noticed was that you were questioning whether you could send an 'on reflection' message in the first place. That shouldn't be something that you are debating - if you've changed your mind on how you feel about something you should be able to tell your boyfriend - people change their mind all the time.

If you want to try with him (and only you know quite how bad his behaviour was, and quite how much you enjoy being with him normally), I would have a serious face to face conversation about how you are really concerned about the way he was treating you, and his statement that you should just avoid him. Then make up your mind based on how he reacts to that. You're six months in and you should be able to have this sort of conversation (you not feeling able to would be a red flag).

Or you could just split up, I don't think that would be unreasonable either. His response effectively blaming you was absolutely not ok.

How long have you been dating? Anything less than 18 months he should be on his best behaviour, if he's behaving like this now, imagine what he'd be like when the honeymoon period is over.

Seems to me he lacks emotional intelligence, everyone gets stressed, but not all of us take it out on those around us. If I'm stressed I might tell my DH that I want an early night to to soak in the bath, even take myself off to Costa for a cuppa but I'm rarely grumpy with him.

yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved

You don't need to it to be worse to dump him.
My response to this message, given his previous treatment of you, is... Actually, I don't want to be around you at all if this is what you think makes a good relationship. In the words of Anne Robinson - Goodbye!

Be very careful OP. You’re only dating 6 months so everyone should be on their best behaviour: if he’s like this now, what will he be like after 10 years. This seems to be his way of being and his ‘apology’ appears to be a token and now he’s blaming you for not staying away. Work stress is v common. I’d be seriously rethinking this relationship

He's just conditioned you to accept him going AWOL for random periods of time.

He's already acknowledged there will be a next time "yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved” I would say if there is a next time and you do not resolve it yourself without being rude or having to be left alone for a fortnight which is how long you were awful this time - I will not be understanding and the relationship will be over. I expect an adult man to be able to manage his stress suitably without taking it out on me.

6 months is not a long time - if it was 6 years and this was some weird anomaly than fine forgive and forget but make your point. 6 months get rid.

He wasn’t particularly conciliatory though. Self aware, but not apologetic.

Why would he apologise - he thinks he is 100% correct in his behaviour!

He can't state it any plainer - he is right, you are wrong( in his own mind obvs), accept him as he is or move on

This is the biggest thing for me. I NEVER feel
like this. It’s not even the moodiness. That was annoying, but if it was combined and followed with love and care, I’d have been more understanding,

Yeah - dump him. He’s apologised, you’ve forgiven and apologised yourself (kind of thing I would - and do - do all the time) and he’s taken your apology and told you how to do better next time!!!!

A reasonable response to your apologetic acceptance of his apology would be for him to say, you’ve done nothing to apologise for: I was the one behaving like an arsehole.

He’s shown you who he is: you clearly deserve better!

That's how manipulation works - in your OP you said "Why did I apologise??!" it was because he made you feel like you had to! And he's conditioning you to take the blame for his stress in future; "next time here's how you can do better". Please run.

There’s a reason he hasn’t. Run, don’t walk. 6 months is a piss of a length of time. Go find someone better.

@Docmac how you decided what you are doing moving forward ?

I think you know what you need to do. You shouldn't be feeling like this ever in a relationship, and certainly not with someone you've only been dating for 6 months. It is very unlikely to get better and he's had two chances now to give the response of 'absolutely not on you, this is a me thing and I'm really sorry'.

Taking some time and sleeping on it.

Remember that a person is the sum of all their parts... it's easy to have a rosy view that 'he's a really lovely person' and think the less nice side is just when he's having a hard time, just when he's stressed, just when xxx happens. But the reality is we're the sum of all our parts, and though the less nice side may come out less often, it will still have a significant impact on you and your relationship. I wish I could rewind time and set boundaries earlier- what I thought was being understanding and supportive led to years of being used as an emotional punch bag...set your boundaries and act on it if they're crossed...

The problem is it’s not that I’ve been treated like a punching bag, it’s more than I’ve been treated like a slightly irritating acquaintance. So it feels more of a grey area

Yes you have been treated like a punchbag. You said he’d been moody and snapped at you because something minor has happened. Be very wary of people who exaggerate little issues. I’d have lost respect for him for over reacting to something minor. It reeks of someone who enjoys drama and is self indulgent.

Now you’ve passed his test there will be another one very soon.

When he heard you were on the train he just hung up?

Did he say anything?

I agree with pp that every post makes him sound more and more like a nutter.

And agree with you that you do not act like this in honeymoon phase. That's a clear indicator it's only going to get worse.

Chuck him back.