To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

when we give bland/nonconfrontational responses to mens behaviour we allow them to effectively get away with their bullshit.

They should be called out, loudly, and often.

Thing is it doesn't matter how nice someone can be, it’s their worst behaviour that should be the deciding factor in staying or leaving. Something I wish I had heeded more in my life.

How long have you been dating?

You say it's "a far cry from how our relationship usually is" but you also say it's a fairly new relationship. Isn't it more likely that he has been putting his 'best foot forward' up until now and it is more recently that his true self is showing?

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

See this would be a total turn off for me. Rather than finding a better way to cope, he just carries on with the same poor behaviour.

So love bomber too (perfect relationship)
now it’s tome
to turn nasty push boundaries and abuse you .

Get the hell away from this one.
Wait untill you are off the train and had time to think .
Send you message it’s over and not to contact you again then delete and block.

Agree to an extent
When I m stressed it's best to leave me alone.
How old are yiu
These days I've learnt many stressed busting method which I use as needed
My dh has a more stressful job than me and I couldn't cope with the pressure he does - some people are better at handing the stress than others
I would see how things pan out.
You said it was a great relationship 2 weeks ago -
It's very early days.

I think that's better as an actual f-2-f conversation.

Text doesn't convey feelings properly and can get out of hand

I don't agree with this, in the context of the OP's situations.

How is he getting away with the behaviour? He's being dumped for it - that isn't getting away with it. That's calling it out without needing to use the words.

He isn't getting away with anything. He's paying the price by losing the relationship.

This is abuse. Have you done the Freedom Programme? You might recognise him if you do.

All completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

How long have you been dating?

How do you know his ‘normal’ self is lovely?
Why is it that it’s abnormal for him to be grumpy or snappy?

This side of him IS his normal self.

Most people have some form of stress most weeks, so this is him.

We are all lovely at first, when we get to know people better their true personalities come out.

So why are you acting like this is a random, abnormal personality lapse that won’t continue and trying to convince yourself that his lovely self is his true self??

So true.

I suspect we've all done what you've done at some point. It's almost a reflex reaction. For me it's almost as though I've been trained from childhood to be "nice". Your initial reaction doesn't mean that you can't still raise the issue at some point and say that, while you understand what he's been through etc that you would appreciate it if in the future he would deal with this in a different way (I'm sure you'll be able to word this much better than me) Be prepared for him to fly off the handle. I hope he doesn't, but if he does stand your ground and don't rise to the bait. Maintain your own level headed graciousness. I hope it works out brilliantly for you.

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

Yeah, to this i would text back.
Really, this is your response to the absolutely disgusting way you have treated me over the past couple of weeks? Not to self reflect and take some responsibility over controlling your own emotions rather than use the people around you like a emotional punching bag.
I thought i was doing the right thing by trying to support you, however this has cemented that i am not willing to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally impotent with the emotional control of a toddler.
Please do not contact me again. This requires no further discussion.

I understand how you feel but would just leave it. When he snaps again tell him you are not putting up with it, don't deserve it and he knows where the door is.

I've not read the full thread, but it seems to me that this should be a conversation, rather than messages.

If the relationship was so good just a couple of weeks ago, it's probably worth a good honest conversation to see if it's going to work for you long term.
It's horrible feeling like you do now, but messages can be sent in haste etc.
Good luck with everything and hope it works out for the best.

What's his job? Does it hold responsibility for life and death or large monetary sums? Are you perfect? He's not the one for you it seems you expect perfection.

Are you perfect? He's not the one for you it seems you expect perfection.

There's a Grand Canyon-sized chasm between "perfect" and being treated like shit because someone has a bit of stress on. Raise your standards.

I'd leave it and become distant until you decide if this is what you want from a newbie!
What will he be like in a year? Throwing things?

"Dear Norman., its not my job to deal with your mood swings, If you can't control your emotions I am not responsible for accepting them, or keeping away until you get over it.
I was hoping for a communicative adult relationship, this is clearly not that.
I'm glad I have become aware of your ability to pass blame now & not later.
This is over."

OP has not insinuated that she expects perfection at all. She just doesn't want to be treated like shit every time he is feeling stressed. Clearly she sets her bar higher than you...

The problem is it’s not that I’ve been treated like a punching bag, it’s more than I’ve been treated like a slightly irritating acquaintance. So it feels more of a grey area.

He did eventually call back and acknowledged his behaviour in a jokey way, and it told him I did not like his behaviour at all. He wasn’t particularly conciliatory though. Self aware, but not apologetic.

He definitely doesn’t deal with anything particularly stressful. No life or death, no money.

and I absolutely don’t expect perfection. I really just expect compromise, respect and consideration.

6 months, give or take.

Then get rid - because he ain't it.