To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

@Docmac this reply is what you need to say. A stressful event should be making a couple communicate and support each other. He's got a superiority complex for sure. Don't settle for this chump! His mask has slipped spectacularly with that last text. Xx

this is again a red flag. The intermittent part you speak of..

refer to/look up operant conditioning in emotional abuse. Because you only get the “reward” sometimes, it strengthens you staying to get those “rewards”…your more likely to stay when you get intermittent kindness.

and yes that’s how you will view it as “kindness” because your standards will be very low by that time.

run run run…

Stay focused on yourself OP. You sound rather bewildered about what happened and sent a fawning response that you regret now. How you can behave differently in future? Maybe you need to take more time before responding.

I hate the response, “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.
No acknowledgement of your tolerance and he's doubling down on his previous shitty behaviour and putting the ball firmly in your court for next time. Dump him already.

Life is too short for this crap. Get out OP.

He acts like that over normal stress and clearly thinks you needed to apologise but he doesn't.

His reply had too many words.

yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved

Much better advice.

Was he being shit to everyone during this period of ‘stress’, or just mainly you?

And given the second response from him, that would be me done. You can see the future with him mapped out from that alone, and it’s not good is it?

To be fair to him, he is clearly setting HIS boundaries and showing you who he is.

I would not be seen for dust, but you have to decide if this man is for you.

He has shown he is happy with his behaviour, the only change will be that YOU have now been told by him to leave him alone when he is stressed!

Nip it in the bud OP. The message that you've sent to him is fine but follow up, in person or by message, with setting your boundaries. For those saying he'll only get worse or he won't change I think you should give the guy a chance once you've told him that his behaviour was unacceptable. I remember my husband speaking to me disrespectfully, which was very out of character, and I quite clearly and firmly told him never to speak to me like that again... and he hasn't. We've been married 21 years!

That's maybe a good cue to suggest that it would be better if he could learn ways of coping with stress without taking it out on everyone around.

Thanks all. Really quite a horrid turn of events.

He called me after he woke up for what I hoped was going to be a nice chat. Hearing I was on the train he hastily hung up before I even had the chance to talk, and I’ve not been able to reach him since, which is completely out of character for him. I’ve seen him online so I know he’s seen my call.

Two weeks ago this was a dream relationship! Really sad.

Leave it now OP. Don't chase him, don't try to resolve it for him. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Every update you post he sounds more and more of a nutter

He wouldn't talk to you ??? Yep, next time you will be so happy to hear him, you will forget all the shit before. Operant Conditioning

I’m starting to wonder. I pride myself on great mental health but it’s really shot today! I’ve not felt like this for years.

i Do this as a default ie someone in a restaurant gives poor serve I address that I get an apology and start fawning oh it’s ok etc. I do it because the idea of someone being uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable and I want to stop the feeling in myself. So it’s selfish. I have observed my other half, he does not do this, he is not rude but he does not feel the need to fawn. I now copy him, it gets easier.

suppose what I am saying is do you do this in other areas of your life?

Why are you fawning and trying to appease him? bet he's not snapping and giving colleagues the silent treatment.
Block and delete, he's an arsehole.

How long have you been seeing him? If it's not very long, there's a possibility that this is his normal, and the lovely has been him making an effort.

Fwiw it's not your job to manage his feelings about his bad behaviour. That's for him to do. You have to trust that he can deal with them. If he can't, you're in for a future of it being your job to make him feel better when he's been a dick and upset you. There will always be difficult times and unexpected disasters and stress. It's inevitable. I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't handle stress well.

Message him now and say it’s over and you’re out. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better than if you cling on waiting for a chat he never gives you. He doesn’t get to play with you like this. Take control. You deserve so much better.

Oh he likes a bit of darvo. Excellent, so it’s your fault . Reading all your posts it’s a test he is seeing how abusive he can be. Really really it’s done, please get rid.

OP don’t let him, or anyone, treat you like this childish, entitled wanker is treating you now.

Hi OP, he doesn’t seem to be a nice person to be around who is able to regulate his emotions.

my interpretation for you from the Frozen song: 🎶 let him go, let him go, I can’t stand this shit anymoooooore 🎶🥴

On a more serious note, you deserve being treated with respect and being a newish relationship I would be expecting excellent communication and love, not snappy/grumpy attitudes.

It's hard to leave now but you should. All you're going to do is invest more time in this guy and he's going to get worse especially when your lives get more interconnected.

Then it'll be really really hard to leave and you'll look back on this moment and see the chance you had to end it cleanly!

Do something to address this now if you can - go for a break and a coffee or something just to reset. He's being weird but you can disentangle yourself from that.

@Docmac Can you actually be arsed?