To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

As you've mentioned divorce I'm going to assume both of you are at grand ages.
Grand enough to have learnt not to tantrum and sulk.
He hasn't, and he won't.

This is a giant red flag and his arrogance is infuriating.
This is it, you've been told who he is.
Of you carry on this relationship now all the time waste and heart break and fuck ups later are on you.

O

Speak up ...yes! But actually speak to him rather than message

I’ve an ex-husband too, but I sometimes think that my people pleasing tendencies mean that, especially at the start of something, I don’t look after my own needs much. It’s ok to do that, and it’s also ok to have good standards and boundaries, and to set them early. If he doesn’t like it, not the right person for you.

Oh, Jesus Christ, no. Just no. End it now.

Absolutely this last bit

id take a pause and get some relationship counselling for yourself around how you relate and want to be with others because you sound really primed to sign up for abusive relationships

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP the grumpy ass side of him is just as much a side of him as the nice part. So it'll happen again soon and then you can react how you want (& you can also say at your next date that you had a problem with it).

If you see it again maybe review whether you want to be with someone like that. You only have one life after all.

Huge red flags here. I would definitely talk to him and gauge his reaction. I would be backing off and protecting myself at this point. His moods and how he deals with them are really unhealthy - leaving him alone isn’t the answer, hie needs to work on how he manages stress and how he treats others as a result. It’s very immature. My ex husband was like this - lovely guy but his moods were awful, it ended up sucking the joy out of life so I divorced him.

Yeah just seen this, it'd be a no from me too. It'd be one of those relationships that revolves around him and his moods.

His response to your text was awful! making it clear if you continue dating him it’ll happen again and again. Wouldn’t continue.

Well having read your update, im
saying just dump him.

Yeah... He's now setting you up to walk on eggshells around him. He's now told you there will be a next time and if you respond in a way he doesn't like he'll blame you for his own behaviour.

He's testing you.

Dump him!

I also think you should dump him.

Exactly. Because not only is it going to happen again. You are expected to adjust your behaviour and act accordingly.
Whatever shit you've got going on doesn't matter. He does.
His needs and wants are above yours because he's encountered a bit of stress.
Life is stressful.

Yeah that's very telling. How long have you been dating?

This man has shown you his true colours early on. Why do you want to continue seeing him? If I were you, there would not be a ‘next time’ with him. (But next time with anyone else, please say what you think, don’t apologise if you have not done anything wrong, and don’t let yourself be treated like this.)

OP, you should not pay for him being stresses, or walk around him on eggshells when he is not in the mood. Having a partner like that is massively unpleasant and draining. Imaging living together with someone like this?

It sounds like he is setting the scene for allowing himself to act like a dick towards you and then saying "I told you, its your fault - you did not give me space"...He is completely non-apologetic, its a very bad sign. His message is all about you managing and adjusting to his moods, not him acknowledging its problematic and promising to change!

After his last message I would reply "having slept on it I wanted to let you know how hurtful it felt, so next time will be the last time,"
cheeky git.

When he shows you who he is, believe him!

Agree with people who are saying red flags. He doesn’t sound very kind or considerate of your feelings.

Honestly think you need to take a little time and look at your reaction.

Sounds like conditioning set in and being in the cold made you desperate to be in the warmth again.
This is not a good instinct and I would look very closely at which is the real him.

I imagine you will meet the stressed one more often if you stay with him.

There is a very clear path being shown to you, he will take out any ‘stress’ out on you and you will be expected to totally understand and disappear yourself and your true reaction more and more.

I was in a twenty year relationship that was very abusive. Honestly, looking back to the beginning this erosion of boundaries was how it started.

The fact you had an over the top fawning reaction really scares me for you, think this was a test and he may have found the perfect person for him.

Please do not allow any more of this.

Having been in this position myself in a previous relationship, I say walk away. He wouldn’t get a second opportunity to take his stress out on me. You are not his emotional punchbag and he needs to learn to manage his reaction to stress.

This! When you squeeze an orange what comes out of it is what's inside of it (ie orange juice) the same is true of when you squeeze a human, if he has the ability to be snappy at you when he's squeezed then he's not good enough for you. Imagine walking on eggshells all the time when life gets tough (as it does a lot) and waiting for him to be shitty and make everything about pandering to his feelings and making a bad time worse. Find someone who can treat you well consistently. I learned this the hard way obviously myself or I wouldn't be commenting.

This cynic thinks that he's testing you and there will be a next time.