To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

Oh christ, break up with him. Being a bit quiet/preoccupied when stressed is OK. Snapping and taking it out on you - not.

Doesn't matter what people on here think. You know it's making you feel like shit, it's not fair and he's showing you he's not so nice after all.

RED FLAG here.This will not be the last episode of his behaviour. He will gaslight you to the point of you self doubting yourself,strip all of your confidence and turn you into a wreck walking on egg shells.I am not over exaggerating,please get out of this relationship for your own good.Wish I had many years ago but still havnt got the confidence to do it 43 years too late.

I think you have fallen into the trap of accepting bad behaviour from people as long as they have a good enough reason.With abusive types there is always a reason and if there isn’t they’ll make one up.

You shouldn’t have excused his behaviour based on his claims of stress. It’s not an excuse and you’re not a punch bag. You should get rid of him.

Oh run OP.

As you say, it's even early days, and he has proven:

1. Normal day to day stress, he'll treat you like rubbish, transferring anxiety to you
2. He will make it your fault (accepting your apology and implying you handled him wrong)
3. He will do it again, by his own admission
4. He's a weirdo who cuts communication without any thought for you.

I'm really sorry.... it's horrible when you get your hopes up and think you've found a good one... but I think the signs are there this would be a nightmare.

The fact that you are feeling the worst you have in ages? When you should, as you say , be in honeymoon mode?

Time to save yourself years of heartache and stress,....

Manipulation. He could have said he would call you later as you were on a train. He hung up knowing you would try to call him so he can ignore you.

Block him and treat yourself.

It wasn't a dream relationship, his mask just hasn't slipped yet. The way he's been the last two weeks, is the real him.

I don’t cope well with stress. It really affects my mental health. When I’m stressed, I need a lot of empathy, reassurance and positivity. If people can’t give me that, I withdraw and use my own coping mechanisms, as I feel awful if I snap or say things I later regret.

What I find unsettling in your case is he’s said it’s best if you leave him alone. That’s putting responsibility on you. He should explain he’s not good when stressed and he doesn’t like people seeing him like that, so he finds it best to take time out. It’s not your responsibility to manage his stress. It’s his.

I wouldn’t necessarily end the relationship if he’s usually great to be with. No one’s perfect all the time. But I would if he’s not self aware or mature enough to take responsibility for his own mental health.

Whatever you do, don't send this. By all means say this in person, but managing your relationships by text message is a recipe for disaster.

The thing is that if you say you won't put up with it in future, he will agree and say it won't happen. Then it will. It's happened on and off throughout but you ignored those signals. Let this be the end of it.

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.
then
He called me after he woke up for what I hoped was going to be a nice chat. Hearing I was on the train he hastily hung up before I even had the chance to talk, and I’ve not been able to reach him since

So he is onto the 'next time' already? That didn't take long.

Urgh, we all know it's going to happen again!

I'd throw this one back!

The Hills
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Maybe next time you see him say that you stand by what you said but he does need to also understand that its not acceptable for him to take his stress out on you and if he does so again he will get a very different response

You need to talk to him, not text him. Personally I'd bin off someone who made me feel so shit within the very "new" honeymoon period of a relationship. I don't know why you say "obviously I forgive him" - there's nothing obvious about it.

This!
Do not do any form of relationship conversation via text. Applies to all situations.
But, I see things have moved on, so decide if you want to keep seeing him and end it or not. Either way, a conversation about what you will or won't accept is needed.

His response to your message says everything.
He has no intention of trying to do better in future or change his behaviour, he just put the responsibility on you to change yours.

I was going to say if you wanted to give him another chance you need to tell him that next time will be the last time, and mean it!
But after I’ve not felt like this for years. I think you should just get rid of him.

1. It will get worse. He has done it this time and you're still around and the relationship is new. To him this means he has gotten away with it.
2. Your standards for how you allow yourself to be treated are extremely low. You think that just because it's not "relentlessly abusive" that his behavior is in any way acceptable. This is a trap and how many abuse victims end up in seriously abusive relationship where it's much harder to walk away from than something that's new.
3. I am sorry op, but you don't have enough of a baseline to say how the relationship "usually is", because this is a new relationship.

His behavior is showing red flags all over the place. Run for the hills before it gets worse, because it will.

We all get stressed at times. It very much depends on what caused the stress as to whether I'd let it pass this time.

Perhaps send another message, making a point, saying ...

"Just promise me it was a one off though as I can't go through that again!"

@Docmac My response to his original apology would have been "Thanks, I appreciate that because it's been rather hard to be around you for the last couple of weeks" and I would have left it at that unless he repeated the behaviour (and then I would have ended the relationship immediately).
I do wonder if you've been a bit too full-on? His text saying best to "leave me alone" when he's under stress suggests this could have been the case. You're clearly having second thoughts now and I think you need to trust your gut. Most of us would appreciate someone like you being really supportive when we're under stress, but if he finds it claustrophobic what are you supposed to do? Change your caring nature? Why should you be punished for caring about someone?
None of us really knows anything about him and only time will tell you if he's genuinely "lovely" or an arsehole - you just need to decide if you want to spend any more time trying to find out (and how you would deal with the disappointment if he turns out to be the latter). Good luck OP.

So his response was to tell YOU what to do next time it happens?

OP, you sound very very vulnerable that you would tolerate this.

This is a moody ignorant pig that takes no responsibility for his appalling behaviour and you have sent the strong message that its ok and you are prepared for next time.

Is this really what you want in a man?
Someone who will actively treat you badly, make you feel shit, and impact your mental health?

If so, you really need some help.
Dump him now.

@jimbort 's orange metaphor is great.... you really see who someone is when they are under stress.

My Ex was fine most of the time. But if even the smallest thing happened to upset him, whether it was me or something unrelated, he became unpleasant and oblivious to his effect on others.

My now DH makes it his top priority to treat me well and communicate with me well even when he is going through terrible stuff. We've been through deaths of his friends, illness, extreme sleeplessness, all sorts over seven years.... he always asks how I am, what he can do for me, and helps me understand his behaviour. ("I'm so sorry... I know I've been less attentive today.... I'm going through this.... I love you. Are you ok? I don't have much time, but is there anything I can do for you...."). When 'squeezed' what comes out is the same as at other times- that my wellbeing is his top priority. He's not perfect, no one is. But I never doubt that,

Throw this one back OP.

Better to leave him alone? So you’re at fault here?? Not, better he behaves differently? Better he finds different coping strategies? I do not like this deflection one bit,

“yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

Er, next time? WTF? So your apology for your unpleasant behaviour wasn't genuine then. You don't think the onus is on you to find better ways to cope with your response to what you perceive as stress? Thanks for your advice about how I should be the one to take responsibility for managing the situation when you are next behaving badly, but no. You need to grow up. And after you hanging up on me just now, don't bother to call again, we are done.

@Docmac it is so good that you've realised what's happening, he's not good enough for you 🌹

Why is it obvious you forgive him?

I agree with all the previous posters, this is only the beginning. You might think you will be able to cope with these mood swings now, because it doesn't happen that often, wasn't abusive (yet, although the latest updates are veering into emotional abuse already) and the rest of the time is great. But sadly, like many others on here, I speak from experience and this will be worse every time, boundaries will be further eroded, the nice times will diminish. Ridiculous demands will be placed on you to manage his emotions and insecurities, and you'll do it all because you feel sorry for him feeling so bad and justify his behaviour because he's such a damaged poor soul. But the reality is that he is not. It's all about control, and him wanting everything to just revolve around him, and it will if you continue to see him. There's no reasoning with these types or making them see your point of view and taking responsibility for their own issues.
He is likely to change his tune for a bit to win you back when you try to break up with him, but it's not sincere and it will happen again. If he was a truly reasonable and empathetic person, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

You can still tell him how you feel. If he replies do it then if not in person