To somehow retract my original response?

[Docmac]

I am dating a man who has been hideously grumpy due to stress for the last 2 weeks.

He’s been very distant at times, or has suddenly snapped at me out the blue. All
completely unlike his usual lovely self. There’s been moments of normality but peppered in with either silence, disinterest or snapping.

It’s drained the hell out of me to be honest. I appreciate people get grumpy when under pressure but we’re fairly new and it’s been rubbish to be on the receiving end of.

He text me last night to apologise and to tell me the stressful issue has now been resolved, thankfully,

I sent such a fawning response back in which I (?????) apologised (what did I apologise for?? Who knows???) and said it wasn’t a problem AT ALL.

And now having slept on it, I’ve realised it was really a problem, and lord knows why I randomly apologised!

Not withstanding the fact we all do get somewhat grumpy when we’re stressed and that’s normal, AIBU to somehow retract my overly fawning response, and to more honestly explain that it’s actually been a bit shit and disrespectful?

And to clarify I totally understand our moods are affected by stress but I do actually have feelings and they’ve taken a bit of a battering.

Obviously I forgive him and appreciate the apology but I feel like I sold myself short in the way I originally responded.

I wouldn’t tolerate that OP. It would be a life of having to dance to his beat and that would be a no from me. Moody people don’t get to set the tone of my day or life. I’ve had huge stresses in my life, I don’t take them out on other people or set rules for them. I’d be out.

If this is how he deals with everyday life then this nose what you can expect. He's just been masking it in the early days.

I think I'd dump by saying.

"I'm glad that our relationship has helped you figure out.what works best for you. Unfortunately it has also guven me.time to reflect and I've realised that I'm looking for a partner who can roll with life's difficulties and not take things out on me therefore I think its best we go our seperate ways and find people who fit us better."

This man is giving major abuse red flags and I wouldn’t even entertain having a chat about your feelings. He’s made it clear he doesn’t care about them with his latest text, why would you keep feeding into him? It’s going to pull you further in and the more flippant he gets, the more you will feel you have to explain and get closure. Slippery slope. He’s shown his colours. Red, crimson and ruby.

🚩

Yeah, having read the updates, I'm now retracting my initial statement of 'give him another chance'. The fact that your mental health is taking a hit and you've not felt that way in years tells me that you need to throw this one back. Relationships are not supposed to be detrimental to your health - mental or otherwise. Better you've seen his true colours now ❤️

Dear X,
I appreciate your apology the other day explaining your mood over the recent weeks. But I've been reflecting on it some more since then. Baring in mind this is a very new relationship, I was left feeling confused, ignored and upset. I'm not interested in this being the status quo moving forward, so I think we should leave things there.
Best wishes for the future.
OP.

OP, if this is his behaviour in the golden stage of a new exciting relationship, it's not going to be any better 5 years from now. I'm not one to say LTB, but... LTB.

Perfect

I wouldn’t retract your apology. You’ve been polite, conciliatory and gracious. And it’s best not to have open conversations over text, especially if someone’s mental health is bad.

But I would kindly tell him when you see him that he shouldn’t expect you to witness his stress, especially in such a new relationship. If you carry on seeing him, if he does it again, very kindly and empathetically say you’re going to leave and give him some time to use his usual coping mechanisms.

The call on the train is weird. He should’ve messaged and said he’d speak to you later. Sounds like he’s in a right state.

I’d check he’s OK but keep your distance to protect yourself. It’s a new relationship, so it’s not your responsibility. Focus on other things.

Thirding this. And if he suddenly leaps into action apologetic and trying to fix it, stand by what you’ve said. He’s already damaging you’re usually good MH. Dating shouldn’t be this hard.

@Docmac you are doing so brilliantly for recognising that this isn't the basis for a healthy relationship. Don't blame yourself for your earlier trauma response.

You can take a breath before responding again, and if that's with a simple 'On reflection, we aren't suited. Take care,' that would draw a neat line for you.

I am really sorry you are feeling sad.

I would argue his behaviour is entirely within character.
This is one of those situations where you must believe what he is showing you.

The fact you started the thread shows you know this isn’t right.

Something is very off with him, please value yourself too much to allow him to soothe himself by abusing you.

Don't question yourself or what your gut is telling you. Your gut is saying you're being given mixed messages and this 'amazing' person has suddenly done a U turn on you, treated you poorly for 2 weeks, apologised but is now blanking you for being on a train

Relationships are there to enrich your life and give you good feelings, otherwise there is no point being in them. Block and delete, hard to do but the way he is making you feel should tell you something and being treated like this is not ok

are you SURE the stress isnt that he's met someone else?

Dump. Block. Delete.
He was on his best behaviour the first few weeks, this is the true him.
🚩 all the way.

So, HE was stressed. He coped by taking it out on you (distant, snappy etc)
He texted to 'apologise'.
YOU then apologised to him (then agonised you'd sold yourself short)
He replied: 'Yes, so next time leave me alone'.

You are not a good match.
He has told you who he is. You are a different kind of person.

You will struggle not to try to fit around him /accomodate him/please him.

I spent years in a relationship like this. I had some happiness but it was at the cost of a lot of stress on my part. I'd walk away if I were you. Good luck x

i would absolutely do it over text, and i'd message him and say

On reflection, if i have to avoid you every time you're stressed just so i'm not on the receiving end of your temper, i don't think this relationship has legs.

I don't want to be with someone that treats me how you have the last couple of weeks and then tells me i need t avoid you in future.. so i'll save us both the hassle, and i'll avoid you permanently from here on out.

You may feel sad now but I guarantee he will make you feel sad more regularly if you carry on dating him. You sound like a lovely empathetic person and you deserve the same respect and love back, it doesn’t sound like he is the right one to do that. Chuck him in the bin, you are worth more.

The initial behaviour in the OP was enough of a red flag to end it.

You were planning on explaining boundaries/expectations, but you should not need to explain basic boundaries and expectations that need to apply to everyone. So I think that would have been the wrong way to go. People talk a lot about setting boundaries, but it shouldn’t be necessary when those boundaries relate to basic behaviour.

The right way to go, which is confirmed by his above message about leaving him alone when he’s stressed (and the bizarre later hang up), is to immediately end this with no further contact.

I would not criticise him when you end it. I would end it with a bland reason, such as it’s not working for me - by message, not in person.

He is a nasty twat and he’s shown you his true colours. They won’t go away. They’ll become more frequent. I see this a lot on MN - he’s telling you who he is, so listen.

Get away, please for your own sake. You could otherwise condemn yourself to a pretty miserable life.

Indeed this.

Interesting that we do this. It's like we're so relieved after the unpleasantness we jump on the niceness and grab it with both hands. But, as you say, selling yourself short in the process. This is a problem as it not only causes us to feel resentful and a bit pathetic, but also risks creating an imbalance of power. If I were you I'd tell him that you were very gracious because you wanted to move forward and not have more unpleasantness, but, you do still want to be clear it was unacceptable and you don't want a repeat. I'd do this in person when you see him rather than retract your message.

Well he's certainy shown you who he really is now. That initial "nice" part was just him reeling you in.
Please get rid, he's setting you up as an emotional punchbag, if not worse.

You refer to your relationship as 'dating' so it sounds like it might be fairly early days. Honestly, if the mask has slipped and he can't present the best version of himself to you this early then I think he has done you a favour.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment here, I wouldn’t go into these details with him. He’s behaved badly, he knows it, he actively plans to do it again. A bland reason, avoiding an argument or confrontation would be better.

Sounds like he wants out to me, didn't want to say it when you're on a train.

OP, I'm interested, when he spent two weeks being snappy and rude and distant, how did you react? I'd have asked wtf was wrong with him the first couple of times, and if there wasn't a decent explanation forthcoming and a realisation that he'd made me feel like shit, I'd have left and not gone back.

If his behaviour had carried on, how long would it have taken you to say, 'that's enough' and finish it? I think it's interesting that you even put up with it for two weeks.

Interestingly he’s just woken up and replied “yeah, next time I’m that stressed better to just leave me alone till it’s resolved”.

This reveals how he handles stress - he withdraws. What happens when you need him during that period of withdrawal? What happens when something jointly happens to both of you and his response is to lash out and/ or withdraw? I'd be more confident if he said he was going to address how he handles stress, but he's basically saying put up and leave him alone.

This has happened for 2 weeks at the beginning of your relationship when you're still seeing 'the best' of each other so it doesn't bode well for the future.