Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

With respect, this situation isn't about you.

It's a horrible situation, but it sounds as though you've allowed this colleague to use you as a therapist as much as a manager.

Does your workplace have access to support services that you can direct him to?

You’ve only known this person a couple of weeks . Take a step back and stop making about yourself

If you genuinely feel it’s affecting your work and mental health call your EAP for support.

Access the support service at work yourself, this is exactly what is designed for

I used them when my colleague had multiple miscarriages and I had to carry her at work and not talk about my own small children.

Hard for both sides in these situations

That poor boy, and his family 😢

You’ll be ok though

If you are struggling with being an emotional sounding board during work time, because that is emotionally draining and exhausting, then speak to your manager or HR. They do have to manage that.
As awful as his situation is, it actually isn’t yours to deal with and if you’ve had a year of listening to his trauma dumps then that will be seriously affecting you and you may need some time off or a therapist to talk to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you need a break from listening to ll this upsetting stuff. You’re not his therapist, you’re not his family or even a friend. You’re a colleague who is covering a huge amount of his work, which is already enough to cause burn out. Doing that, plus being used as a vent for him… it is too much.

People are going to call you selfish and say that it isn’t about you and all the rest of it, but not everyone appreciates the exhaustion and trauma that can be caused by being an emotional support when you are already close to burn out and don’t actually have any training in it or support for yourself to deal with the information you have been told.

Speak to your manager. Tell them you are close to burn out and you need a break and some protection from this.

It’s been a year. She has been used as a pseudo therapist for a year whilst also covering his work load. She is burning out. That is real. It isn’t as simple as “don’t make it about you.” It is about her. This is a very real issue.

Is it that you've been overworking to cover your colleague's work, and have become burned out? I don't think it's normal to be affected to this extent by the illness of a colleague's child. Could you book a couple of weeks' holiday to get right away from work and hearing about your colleague's child?

Well no, over a year, but not long.

OP you cope by counting your blessings and being glad it’s not you. Don’t borrow problems.

You failed to maintain professional boundaries. Your subordinate should not have been put in a position where you provide counselling space without due training. You should have advised he seeks help of that kind elsewhere. Your duty is to support with work-related issues as a result of personal circumstances. You majorly overstepped on this.
And now you are making it about you when, in reality, it has nothing at all to do with you. Self-refer to IAPT in your local area if you feel you need to deal with your emotions about this but more importantly, talk to HR about support with managing this colleague as I think you should step back.

Ah stop. That’s very unhelpful.
I’m sure OP isn’t burdening her colleague with any of this. It’s difficult for everyone, obviously the child’s family most of all. That doesn’t mean the people around them are robots!

Finding it difficult to cope is about the OP.
Is there anyone you could talk to OP? Counsellor maybe?

This. Find supporting strategies for yourself but remain empathetic.

I hope HR are being supportive as well (as much as HR ever are).

I’ve known him for over a year now.

You need to see if your job will provide extra support for both of you.
If the work situation continues you are doing 2 jobs and providing emotional support (even if its in a limited way). While the child remains ill the Dad will continue to need support so is any others on his team willing or have capacity to provide extra cover?

You are not trained to provide the emotional support and have taken on an emotional burden.
You need to detach a little as this is someone you line manage not a family friend while also accepting that you are very grateful that its not your life.

I would just stop discussing all your personal stuff with him at work and focus and your work and just being supportive towards him in general.

There's not really any need to discuss those things with colleagues anyway.

Wtf ? When did I say I gave him therapy/support?

He simply told me about the situation every now and then. A couple of times his wife showed up on the teams call.

Just to be clear, this thread IS about me. You seem to lack basic common sense - stay out of my thread. Ok ?

Can everyone stop being mean to the OP? It IS hard to support someone going through difficult times. She's not being selfish by finding it traumatic FFS.
I found it difficult when a woman I was stuck with for the day did a massive trauma dump on me about the gory death of her sister, and that was only one day!

I don’t discuss personal stuff. Just that 1-2 min conversation around “How are you”

You need to be kind to yourself. You have had 12 months of covering their work, doing extra hours etc., to be supportive to them. Now you need to be supportive of yourself.

As the child is in remission, can you discuss with your colleague a timetable for a phased return to some in-office days if that would take some of the extra load from you? This might need to be agreed with HR, but to be honest I think you should have got HR involved before now.

As others have said, this seems to be consuming you a bit. Probably there is worry that this could happen to your children and possibly a feeling of not wanting to "jinx" it, pride comes before a fall, etc.

You need some space between you and their situation.

But well done for making things as easy as possible for your colleague. Many wouldn't have.

You need to stop being the support system for your subordinate and to refer the situation to HR or your own boss. I completely understand why you have covered the situation yourself but it is untenable for you.

Did you not have anyone to direct him to? They should have been offered emotional support via their care team, Including how to apply for DLA/Carers allowance. It's a lesson learned about professional boundaries. My DH got and died from cancer while I was working, my manager was supportive re working hours etc, but wouldn't have allowed me to trauma dump. You've burned out on this. As said, you can't take on other people's hurt. You need to carry on having fun and look up strategies that suit you, like meditation to reason this all out.

You have been there for your colleague and I’m sure they are grateful for your continued support, but you have to live your life to the full and do things that make you and your family happy. You sound like a very good friend, I understand it’s probably quite draining on everyone, it’s hard because although we spend a huge part of our life with working colleagues, you could leave one day and never hear from them again.

Just to be clear, I’m not providing emotional support on a daily basis. We have a weekly 1-1 and this topic comes up inevitably. Although it’s very brief, I need to know a bit about the situation, so I can support him (by approving time off for appointments, planning the week etc).

I think this sort of stuff does take a toll and it’s not the OP making it about her. I’ve had similar situations where reports were found through bereavements and later mental health challenges and one in particular did use me as a bit of an emotional crutch. It can be very easy to blur the line between supportive line manager to being the person someone offloads to. On the one hand they trust you which is good but it really can grind you down after a while. I felt emotionally free when I left that job and hadn’t quite realised how demanding it had been on me emotionally until I’d left.