Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

Thanks, everyone. I’m still through the responses.

We are a small company. If I push it too much with my manager (CEO) and HR, we’ll have to consider replacing this employee. He will probably be asked to go on 6month unpaid leave and claim insurance - this won’t be enough for his expenses.

The only way I can continue to keep him on our payroll is to take on the additional workload and complain as little as possible. I’ve done exactly this for a year. Due to the nature of this role (senior, with line management responsibilities) , it cannot be easily delegated/distributed to other team members.

TBH, this is a smaller problem. I’m impacted much more by how utterly heartbreaking his situation has been. Every day has been a battle - for over 14 months now.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think she has supported him by working hard and shouldering a work burden for him for over a year. She thinks about him, feels sad for him and guilty that she can still feel joy and this is playing in her after all this time.

It’s then hard to talk about this IRL because of course the main issue is what her colleague is going through but in this anonymous forum she’s entitled to ask for help for support so she can continue to support him.

It's called being empathetic, ffs

This. In the early days you should have involved HR and probably Occupational Health to manage his distress and work issues. All this 'be kind' and 'bring your whole self to work' stuff is toxic, as you've discovered, OP.

You bring your professional self to work, and if you can't do that then you get help to make it possible. You bear some responsibility in this outcome because you seem to have become over-involved in his drama. What he probably needs from you is some boundaries, so he doesn't bring home to work with him. Those boundaries may actually give him some relief from the talking/worrying cycle and protect you too.

You're now over-involved and need to take yourself to HR for support to get the situation back in balance. Good luck.

Really?,ffs

You can be over-empathetic and pulled into people's dramas if you' re not careful. Empathy can be as toxic as anything else. OP is his manager, she needs to be professional.

You have been an amazing boss @BridgetJones55 and when your colleague looks back on this period - hopefully with a healthy child - you will be one of the people he feels most grateful to. Company support and an income is critical at these times.
It’s tough on you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling joy - you are doing so much for him and his family by ensuring his salary isn’t cut by picking up his understandable slack.
take some leave and maybe try and talk to someone so you can recharge and continue to support.
People like you are special x

We are a small company. If I push it too much with my manager (CEO) and HR, we’ll have to consider replacing this employee. He will probably be asked to go on 6month unpaid leave and claim insurance - this won’t be enough for his expenses.

This isn't your problem, it's his. You work for the business. You're employed to make your company run as efficiently as possible. The mere fact that you appear to know his monthly household expenses is an indication of how over-involved you are in his life.

Do you fancy him, OP? Is there a bit more to it than just over-identifying with his family situation and his child's illness? This doesn't seem a healthy state of affairs, tbh.

If work don't offer it already ask for a counselling service, it may help you both.

But at whst cost - you are burning out by your own admission - you need to stop carrying his workload it is unsustainable- you did it up until now but at the point it is impacting you it is time to stop

Without a doubt.

Just like OP's colleagues wife, I had to give up my job to care for my son as he now has full time care needs and isn't able to be back at school yet and when he does go back to school, it will be a part time timetable for the foreseeable future.

I will never, ever forget how when he was at his sickest, DH's work made it so we didn't have to worry as much financially. It's hard enough financially when you have a child with cancer, especially as they usually end up in a hospital which isn't your local one.

What you are doing is amazing, OP.

The OP is in one of the ripples spreading out from the storm and she has the right to ask for some advice anonymously. She is experiencing guilt and stress alongside I would imagine anxiety that something similar could happen to her child (literally why many pregnant women avoid those who are experiencing a miscarriage). .

it’s a difficult situation and my advice would be to talk to someone about your increased workload. I think if you could decrease the stress of the extra work you’d have enough mental strength to manage the emotional side well and support the family effectively from afar.

She’s sharing how she’s feeling after 14 months of working alongside someone who is going through the worse scenario anyone can imagine. She’s said it’s a small company and as I’ve now said repeatedly - any reporting of him upwards could potentially result in him losing salary so different support can be paid for from his wage. There often isn’t an abundance of funds in small companies. Colleagues can not escape other colleagues’ sadness… unlike friends who can stop contact for a couple of days. They witness the grief day in and day out and it rubs off.
i think suggesting also (as someone has done) that her feelings are motivated by more than this - is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE to the OP.

I think people are being unfair here.You are not making it "about you" You sound a kind person who is sensitive to your colleagues suffering .Try and gently suggest some counselling (He should have help from the hospital team surely)and try to step back a little .You should not feel guilty for enjoying your own life .Its not the same ,but I lost my dear friend who had 4 DC and 5 DGC only in her 50s and veggie .I felt guilty that I could go on days out ,shopping and lunch with my other friends while she was gone.I also had Cancer last year stage 2 and treatable while she had stage 4.Life is very unfair sometimes .

I'd like to know what the actual issue is OP...

Is it that you feel bad for how life is okay for you at the moment?
That you hear things and get worried about if it happens to your family?
Something else?

The fact is you can't change someone else's life and you also can't change that life is okay for you atm. Remember, nothing is permanent, so just appreciate the moment because at any time your life may go to s××t too!

Try to resist the urge to avoid the pain or clinging to how things feel. It'll change.

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time here, OP. I'm sorry. You've clearly gone above and beyond to support your colleague in this awful time, and what you're actually asking for advice on is how to cope with the emotional impact it's had on you. Which is think is entirely valid.

It does sound like you're over-identifying with the situation a little – which is not abnormal at all, but isn't healthy for you. Are you able to access any professional therapeutic support through work? You need to be able to switch off when you're at home and enjoy your time with your children etc and you shoudn't be feeling guilty for doing so. I lost my husband a few years ago and while I hope it has led to my friends and family appreciating their spouses more, I would be devastated if I thought they felt guilty about doing nice things with them just because I don't have mine any more!

Get some talking therapy to help you work through your emotions. Hopefully that will give you the space to consider whether the work situation is tenable long-term.

The only way I can continue to keep him on our payroll is to take on the additional workload and complain as little as possible.

Again, not your problem though is it. If he has been hired to do a job and he can't do the job, he can't expect to still be being paid for a job he didn't do, while you continue to do all the work and aren't compensated.

You are martyring yourself. Setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. It could be years before his child is out of the danger zone.

If you let this go on then it's entirely your own doing. Only you've got the power to stop this nonsense now.

When you have a child you accept they may have disabilities and illnesses and you accept that responsibility. He and his wife need to find a way to make it work.

Although @Jimmyneutronsforehead reply is phrased in a slightly harsh way I totally agree with them. You have been so kind @BridgetJones55 to do this for your colleague for a year. Moving forward it’s simply not sustainable for you to do two people’s jobs for an extended period of time. I have done similar many times during my career and colleagues have done the same for me. However it was only ever for a fairly short defined period of time. This situation is likely to be ongoing for years and years. So very hard for all involved. Life really can be shitty at times.

The issue is that there often isn't a way to make it work.

DLA and carers allowance isn't enough to live on when you have bills to pay, not to mention how long it takes for DLA to go through.

You do end up relying on the good will of others because you have no choice, you swallow your pride because your child has already been through so much and you don't want them to experience homelessness too.

Don’t be an arsehole.
It sounds like she’s very much been relied on as a shoulder to cry on and it sounds really tough.

OP this sounds hard and I can empathise. Maybe contact someone via HR about support for you both?

would you rather be in their shoes? no, didn't think so

@Dancingatthepinkponyclub I wasn't being an arsehole.

@BridgetJones55 you truly are an embodiment of the expression "not all superheroes wear capes"
I hope some of the supportive posts on here are helpful to you

This post is shameful

People are just awful on here