Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

And yet many posters on here agree with @Dancingatthepinkponyclub, although may phrase it differently.

If you're sincere in this post, you might like to think about why that is

Last January? 14 months?

Good God just when I thought the comments couldn't get any worse, along comes this disgusting reference to the OP being accused of fancying her colleague who she has been supporting throughout his trauma with an empathetic ear and taking on his workload.

The OP sounds like a fantastic boss. She has been there for her colleague in his time of need and now herself requires some psychological support.

This is a perfect example of vicarious trauma, it's real it's not self indulgent and it happens to people with the ability to feel others pain, unlike some on here.
Some of these comments are nothing short of a disgrace.
Take care OP I think some counselling would help.

Op if you cant handle a 1-2 min out of a 24 hour day then you should be worried.

His child has/had cancer, its not about you at all. Detach yourself if you must, or just nod sympathetically.

its not that hard.

Completely agree @Thedogscollar

How I'd hate to be that person.
Try a bit of empathy, humanity just common bloody decency.

It's not that hard!!

Yes me to! I think you've misinterpreted what im saying.

Id absolutely allow 1-2 mins and probably much longer of my time to be listening to someones child that is fighting cancer, i also know i would cry tears with them, and have done!

What i don't do is find ways to avoid it or cope with it as i know that whilst i may feel so very sad its also not about me it about the poor person going through it which seems to be OPs issue.

This isn’t the issue thiugh really is it. It is that the OP has pretty much taken on his workload and is working overtime and is at risk of burnout herself bexause she feels too empathic and wants to help him.

but the truth is her doing his job is unsustainable either he does take back his job because he can do it or he takes leave and if it is the latter that isn’t the OP fault

I’ve skipped through most of the comments except your own OP, so apologies if I’m just repeating something that’s been said a hundred times.
I think those saying “it’s not about you” are being a bit harsh. You know that, but it’s hard not to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you’re listening to them a lot.
As a human (and by the sounds of it, quite an empathetic one) and a parent yourself, it’s no surprise this is taking an emotional toll on you. I used to work in a job where I was listening to people’s problems all day long, and even as someone who was prepared and who’s job that was, I found it very upsetting at times. I can’t comment on this from a managerial perspective, but it sounds like you’re doing all you can there. Does your company offer a health plan? If so, they often include free counselling sessions. If not, speak to HR about any support you might be able to access. Do you wfh or in an office? I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to find a way to switch from your work/supporting role to home and when you find yourself thinking about this outside of work, tell your brain to stop until you’re back at work. You’re helping more than you know by listening. But remember you have to put yourself own life jacket on first xxx

It sounds very difficult 😕

Op I think you have gone to great lengths to help this employee. please ignore the sneery comments.

On a practical level doing what you are doing just isn’t sustainable for you. Given the mum is a full time carer then it may not be necessary for the colleague to take lots of time off for appointments or care in the way he has been. Desirable sure but necessary, more limited?

A problem you have given yourself is it sounds like you’ve hidden the extent of the issue from management - well meaning but leaves it all with you and you sound anxious not to rock the boat either up or down.

I think in your shoes I would have a conversation with your most senior HR person, give them some insights into the situation and get support on the legal framework in his country so you are clear on what you could lawfully do and what you couldn’t as outside guard rails. Eg does the country have carers leave, rights to flexible working, does he have protection from “unfavourable treatment” you need to tread carefully around to make sure you don’t inadvertently create any problems.

Inside of those parameters I would think carefully about the work he should be doing or that you could allocate to him to relieve you but might say be more flexible on timing.

I would then want to have a (carefully prepared for) conversation with him as to how you can support him in moving back to working at a FT capacity over a period of time to protect his role. You may have to make it clear that the current position can’t continue indefinitely and you absolutely want to work with him to make it work but that this will need to move to taking the appropriate workload back.

Whilst being a sounding board and carrying his workload?

It's time management and HR stepped in to manage this for everyone

It’s only natural to feel sad and upset when you hear about such suffering x

I know it’s hard but you need to put in place some boundaries, seek support for yourself and signpost your colleague to some as well

And of course it’s unfair what his child is going through but sad as it is these things happen, you are still entitled to live your own life without guilt x

Hi OP, such unhelpful comments from some, you are clearly asking for help in a really difficult and triggering situation. Have you discussed this with your employer? Is your colleague actually fit to work, or would they benefit from taking time off and you could get some additional help in the meantime? I do hope you get the support that you need.

I totally get why you've carries his workload for the past year, most if us would try to help and know how necessary it will ne for him to retain his job if at all possible.

However, it appears that by taking on ao much of his workload, you are bordering on exhaustion and are drained. When you get to that point, you are at risk.

You own job and mental health is now in jeopardy too. You need to explain to HR and your management that you covering is not sustainable. That's up to them to address...not you and it's not your responsibility to safe guard his income.

It's difficult when there are heartbreaking situations involved but you have to take a step back.

It's up to the company how they handle it and it won't be your fault. You have done so much to support him but it's just no longer sustainable.

There's nothing wrong with empathy, it's very admirable but it is concerning that it appears to have consumed you to the point of feeling guilty over normal every day thing. I suspect t this is be cause you are drained from doing two jobs.

Op is obviously upset. I've never heard of toxic empathy, is that a new thing?😂

Stop inserting yourself into his life. It's rotten what happened to his child but he's merely a colleague and as such may leave your place of work at any time.

He has supported from his wife, family and friends.

Treat him as you would any other colleague, don't pay and don't make sad faces at him as him coming into work is probably a welcome break from the sadness in his home life with his previous child.

OP, to me you sound like a good person in a horrible situation and I really feel for you and your colleague. You'd have to be made of stone not to upset by a colleagues child being so ill like that (I can't even type the word)

I'm not surprised it's taking a toll - you've worked hard and been a rock but you're not unbreakable. Be kind to yourself - you are allowed to be happy and have healthy kids and it's not a jinx that they are.

I think talking to HR (if you have one) about what support is available is a good idea.

Yes I agree the OPs position is unsustainable, however she does not deserve some of the comments dished out to her on here.

It's obvious the OP was needing to vent after a year of full on support and asking for advice/support on how she can ensure her own mental health remains intact.

She has not spoken to anyone else about this issue she has come onto an anonymous forum to be subjected to many very unfair comments.

We will look at this from our own perspective and I'm more than happy to stand by mine.

OP - I appreciate this had been done from kindness but it’s also really poor boundaries. I don’t know why you have decided to make yourself responsible for this man, his child and his finances, but you are not. It’s tough what he is going through but children’s illness happens to many parents across the world and it’s their lot to deal with not yours.

You need to step back completely as this degree of enmeshment is not healthy or appropriate: go of this man - it’s not normal to choose to make someone else’s battle your own.

Distance yourself and try and find some emotional balance.

This will sound harsh but sadly business continues. You need to start handing things back before you burn out. You are not responsible for the family and things they have go through.

if you end up off with stress then that will affect your family.

book a meeting and begin the process of giving them their work back.

it sucks but you need to look after yourself. Do check if you have an employee assistance scheme and talk through your emotions about the child being ill and how you are worried for your kids etc as it must be really hard

Too many harsh unfair comments!

OP in my eyes you have been supportive and kind to your colleague over the last 14 months. You’ve taken on extra workload and overtime and been a listening ear. You have been very empathetic.

However, it sounds like you have hit burnout. I know you don’t want to rock the boat by telling your HR/boss how you feel but you have to understand your feelings matter too and so does your mental health. You are a mum to a young child and have your own life going on. Continuing to take on extra stress and work load and not saying anything to anyone is not sustainable.

Grief, depression, stress, illnesses do not usually just affect immediate family. It can affect friends, colleagues etc in different ways. This isn’t OP “making it about herself” this is OP reaching out for help after keeping it all in for over a year.

No good will come out of hiding it, you need to speak to someone OP. Your boss, HR, you matter too and you need to speak up about your workload.

I haven’t read all the replies OP but confused as to why you have taken on his workload. I am all for support to someone suffering from trauma/illness but it should never be at the expense of an unrelated colleague. A compassionate employer would have put him on some paid leave AND hired cover during this period. You have your own family which should be your priority. You can be an occasional support to this person but your employer should have discussed how to support him better.

are we reading the same thread? Why is everyone going on about the workload when the OP has said a couple of times this is about how hearing the updates on his kids health is affecting her.

OP, in the gentlest way, you have to detach yourself slightly.. you're over empathising, and perhaps ending up putting yourself in his shoes which is negatively impacting you.

The only way around this is, in short, for you to try to put it out of your mind, and live your life with your kids the best way possible.

There are thousands of kids the world over who are going through what this child is, but we can't let that affect us or how we parent.. love your kids, buy them the things, celebrate their achievements, and put your colleague and his kid out of your mind.

It IS heartbreaking, and it's ok to acknowledge that, but you can't unpack and stay there, for your own health and sanity.

You are his employer. In order to give benefits and flexibility 2 weeks into a role you need to see evidence of the illness and treatment he is claiming his child has. If his wife is the full time career then i would have through he can reasonably work 50% at least if not unpaid leave. You need evidence and a proper plan. You doing his job and your own seems unnecessary.