Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

But why are you impacted by this? It's his life, not yours. He's not even talking at length about it to you other than giving you periodic updates.

You seem to be desperately trying to make it all about you. I'd suggest therapy for you to try and understand why you're trying to be so parasitic about someone elses pain.

Yeah this. I get it's taking a toll on you (so step back ever so slightly, for a little while?) but this isn't about you and your beauty treatments

I think people are jumping on you very unreasonably. You’ve done nothing wrong @BridgetJones55, the way that you feel is real and valid.

I think the only advice I can give you is distraction. You need to keep yourself (your mind as well as your body) occupied and focused on other things. When the thoughts pop up “you shouldn’t be spending this money when X is so poorly” treat it like an intrusive thought: Notice it, recognise that it is an unhelpful thought, decide not to listen to it, let go of it and give yourself permission to move on to something else.

If you google ‘intrusive thoughts’ you will get more guidance. Good luck!

Your responses don't add up, first you give a lot of personal detail about someone else's family (and to be clear that's super problematic in itself) and then you say you've only talked about it a few times 1-2 minutes at a time. Which is it?

@MissHollysDolly if you read the OP carefully you will see that she has been having short catch ups with him for the past 14 months as she’s his line manager - in a small business and she reports into the CEO.
Those short catch ups and general awareness of what is going on can mount up in time.
SECONDLY - HOW do you know whether this is accurate in terms of colleague / illness/ child… it could be representative in order for her to convey her scenario of dealing with someone daily for 14 months who dealing with a critically ill young child.

it is about her, the thread is literally about her. It is about the emotional impact on her of supporting her team member through a traumatic life event.

The lack of understanding from many posters on here is staggering.

What an unhelpful and pointless answer. The OP is asking for advice not judgement

OP you sound like a lovely and deeply empathic person. I think you need to separate this into two things, the work load you have taken on and secondly the emotional impact its had on you.

It's time to get the workload sorted so you are not being overworked. Make a plan and talk to you colleagues and managers to put that in place.

The emotional side is harder I'd look at getting some counselling this would help you in general as it sounds like you are someone who might take on a lot of the problems of the world and there's a lot of those about.

Look after your own health and wellbeing. Practice some mindfulness and meditation to help you relax, look after yourself physically make sure you are getting plenty of rest, eating well getting enough exercise and fresh air. Each of those might only have a small effect but added together, over time it will build up.

I think the mindfulness helps you practise being present in the moment which will then help you start to spend more of your free time with your own family without these worries playing on your mind. You will get better at setting them aside. That's best for you and the family.