Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

This is one of my most hated phrases. People who say this to people like the OP are insufferable.

If the OP were venting all over her colleague or his family about her trauma, that would be a valid phrase to use. But the OP isn't doing that, she's discussing it outwards away from her colleagues circle on an anonymous forum. And the first reply is so obnoxious. Sorry OP.

OP has handled it for a year, which i think shows plenty of resilience. I don't think she necessarily lacks resilience or boundaries just because she's come on to a forum to ask for some help because she is now finding it a bit hard.

What she is describing is a perfectly normal emotional reaction to being in a position close to a person who needs sustained support and accomodations. A line manager is close to the situation, they just are. She's also done a year of work that is more than one person is reasonably asked to do, which would weaken anybody's resilience.

@BridgetJones55 you've got vicarious trauma. Others have also said this and I agree with them. You've been kind and compassionate to this colleague with their horrendous situation and it does take its toll.
You need counselling or time with a psychologist who understands vicarious trauma (not all do) to work through everything.

A very good response. OP, your manager needs to help you with this…you cannot sustain a high workload forever or a stressful situation. If your employer won’t help, I might look for another job. No job is worth feeling traumatised.

You are very kind and are doing the right thing. It’s a hard situation for sure. Life is tough. All I can suggest is that you open up about how you feel to someone in your life, while continuing to handle your report in the same manner.

I was in your report’s situation 25 years ago, and I can honestly say that the gentleness and consistency with which my line manager dealt with me was of huge importance in getting me through. We are still friends and colleagues, and I know now how hard he found it, but with support from his own family he got through.

Wishing you all strength and good luck.

This is a bit of an attack OP.

I think most people, if not all people , reading this post will have assumed you are providing a therapeutic sounding board for this employee due to the high emotional response you describe to his situation.

FFS, the OP just needs to count her blessings and get a grip!

Can you delegate your colleagues workload onto the other team members and spread it out?

While heartbreaking, that can't mean that you do extra work every week forever. You have your life to live as well.

With all the support and care in the world, where is this heading? It's a chronic situation now so you need to have a realistic discussion about what this means for him. Flexible working / going part time / etc has to be part of the discussion. It's terribly sad but you can't take care of his workload forever.

This. I think you have been very empathetic - but he should access the workplace support / counselling system and you should maybe flag higher up that you need support with workload. It’s awful but it shouldn’t be affecting you this much. So either it’s something underlying with you or you have lacked boundaries.

I think she is referring to January 2024 when she says last January.

(And I manage a team. And some of them have had various family emergencies come up - including a truly awful situation for one person who is in the uk as a refugee under terrible circumstances. I do take some of it on myself and it does affect me, but at the end of the day my responsibility is about them as coworkers, and not take responsibility for the rest of their lives. So yes it's super hard but I have to leave it at the end of the workday and enjoy the things that are good in my own life too)

If he really can't do his job then it's time to explore what he can do. You have been an amazing boss but you can't fix this sadly.

This

NO - that’s NOT the case @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Working intensely in any business where a colleague is struggling in such an awful way can impact people around them.
This sounds like it’s being going on a while; not all businesses have excess employees to pick up extra work; or even magic HR departments with all the answers in work distribution. IF a business needs to incur extra costs to cover someone who’s sick/ struggling, they will often recoup that cost by reducing salary from that person by paying them less for their reduced hours. It sounds like @BridgetJones55 has been picking up his work so it’s not affected the company from a cost perspective.
I’ve managed many many people directly who’ve got sick in varying degrees and over a long period and working out how to support them with full pay and reduced work - but still please the board and deliver results is HARD. And after a long time - this can be wearing and the more tired you get it’s harder set boundaries. she’s entitled to vent and ask for support in how to deal with this ongoing.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago although not related to a child. Like it or not we spend a lot of time with colleagues and emotions and empathy creep in to professional situations. It called being human. This is about the OP. Their feelings and emotions are every bit as valid as her colleague’s. If your workplace has some form of assistance programme please use it or maybe your union has a programme. Don’t let anyone minimise your feelings because ‘this is not about you’. The way you feel is about you. I hope both you and your colleague get the help you need. Good luck.

You can't maintain doing the job of 2 people. Speak to your HR if he is still WFH to try and get him on a staged return back to office working.

Do you have an EAP available for you to speak to. They can offer counselling, help and advice. Do you have a Manager who you can speak to about whats going on and to see if you can find a way forward.

It sounds like you have become very emotionally involved, which is understandable as you are able to empathise but it certainly will have taken it's toll on you too.

This really isn’t about you.

what the fuck have I just read

In honesty, I cannot think about this sort of thing for too long without hurting, as I have a son a similar age. I can well imagine it hurts OP. Even if it isn't loaded on you directly. Realistically, I don't know what can be done bar speaking to work and getting your workload lessened and taking some time to work on yourself.

Perhaps you should read more about it actually, if you really think this isn’t about the OP. Or maybe just don’t comment on this subject if you are too poorly educated on it to understand second hand trauma or the strain and emotional upset caused by listening to other people’s upsetting situations.

I hope noone ever makes you a manager

I think some posters have missed the fact that this colleague is not in the UK.

It is a work issue if the OP needs to sign off on his time off wants and wishes. Then, add to that, the OP is helping him by working extra to cover what he cannot get done.

I want to know, how is this NOT a work issue?

@BridgetJones55 There are some real nasties on here. Just ignore them and get the advice from the PP who have been helpful to you. I have zero advice because I have walked in your shoes, but I am impressed that you have done so much for that family by covering work issues. I hope you get some help from your work before you totally burn out from exhaustion (emotional, mental and physical).

Personally, I think youve been a great person helping your colleague. I would do the same in your position.

His child is in remission now so you need to start discussing how he can start to pick more work up gradually, maybe to come into the office some days or work flexibly around his child. Not doing this may cause major issues if you leave ... he could potentially lose his job as he's not doing it.

Perhaps talk to your manager. The company may have a strategy to support which is not mostly you.

Well said OP.
This corporate speak moron can F off. You’ve done nothing but show humanity.

Some people do actually need to hear that sometimes.