Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

Keep in mind that this sort of situation can happen to you any time, can happen to us all any time, or do you think you are immune or we are immune? Enjoy and be happy every day because you don't know what tomorrow will bring you.

Mean comment , its a terrible situation and as the op is extremely aware it is not about them they are absolutely reasonable to feel and express on here how someone else's life affects them.

👍🏻

on the contrary, what she is asking is about her. And it is better that she ask strangers than the colleague.

OP I'm sure part of your problem is that you have been working too much. So first off you need to find out what the company's plan is to either reinstate the colleague full time with or without support, if he will come back part-time or flexibly and (most important) how his workload is going to be distributed going forward.

It helps nobody if you burn out too and your workload is added to the pile.

As for your thoughts: you are a parent. Things often seem overwhelming and insurmountable. But. As long as it is not you or your child that is directly affected your job here is to carry on being the parent to your child, making sure that you all live healthy, fulfilled lives, and that you have plans that you can activate if/when something similar happens. (so you know in advance that you have childcare in place etc etc)

You need to get on top of those feelings, because parenting is a very bumpy ride, even without these additional anxieties.

I’d be pretty grossed out if one of my colleagues was making my cancer all about how sad they are buying nice things. If you need support with your workload, ask for it. Otherwise, you sound like a bit of a grief vulture. Be grateful and enjoy your life.

Thanks so much.

The OP is very affected by the situation at work and at home. She is asking for advice. She already feels bad so why rub her nose in it?

That’s ok because the OP isn’t talking to her colleague. She hasn’t even talked about it to HR! So there is no risk of tye colkeague being grossed out by the OP issues

She is asking here, a group of anonymous people how to handle things.
Which is totally fine seeing that
1- posters on MN have no relationship with the colleague
2- the OP HAS an issue that is affecting her MH (regardless of the reason)

Jesus some responses have made me question what on earth is wrong with people.
OP it’s ok to have reached the max of your mental load. You’ve helped your colleague - this now absolutely is about you and how you are coping. It’s ok to think about yourself.

I think this really hits home when a child you know or know of is diagnosed with cancer.

Even when it's you, it didn't even cross my mind that it was cancer. Even when my son was at his sickest and we knew cancer was possible, it wouldn't be cancer because cancer happens to other families, not us.

I think it's often how we try and protect ourselves to bad things that can and do happen, especially when it comes to children.

@Kirbert2 thank you fir sharing that with us.

I really hope your child will keep in remission and the ‘after effects’ of the treatments will be as manageable as possible.

I think it’s a really important take too.
Hope it will make some posters think twice too.

oh dear.

Absolutely this

Have you considered a bit of therapy, to help you take some distance from their situation?

It can difficult if you are a naturally caring person as well as a manager sometimes. I would be accessing the services you have in the workplace, eg Employee Assistance Programme if you have it? There may be counselling available. I would also be considering speaking to your GP about help if you feel you need to. Defo keep your own line manager in the loop about your feelings too, and also HR if they are available. Managers have a dual role here, supporting your team member while getting the job done, and that can be tough for sure - you need to stay professional in the workplace, while looking after yourself too op.

@Tandora I think your post was helpful and sensible, exactly the advice OP was asking for, however some people were unnecessarily harsh and dismissive.

Kindly, that's not your problem.

Your problems are:
-having to walk on eggshells about sharing your life's ups because he is sharing all of his life's downs.
-taking on additional work when you also have the burden of looking after your own young family.

You need to:
-stop walking on eggshells. You don't need to make your life smaller to give him more space.
-insist the company follows the capability for work procedure for him. If you're having to do much of his workload then he isn't capable of working in his current condition. He needs to figure that shit out. Not you.
-speak to your overheads about the unfairness of the workload and insist you'll only be doing your workload. Ask for a risk assessment for mental health grounds for yourself to hammer it home that this is not sustainable and is having an impact on your own mental health.

I find trauma-dumping difficult in office spaces. I have a colleague who talks about the death of her parent from cancer just about every single day. You have the complicated juxtaposition of feelings of pitying them, being glad that's not you/your loved one, guilty for that feeling and aware how fragile life can be, all at once. It's exhausting.
I think OP needs to take a step back. Firstly, stop covering the extra work. Go to whoever is your boss and ask for redistribution. Secondly, take some leave and go cold turkey on this poor family's hard time. Put your head back into your own life rather than some else's and learn about professional boundaries.

Yes, it’s hard. She’s in trouble and it doesn’t help with all the hyenas here saying she’s making it about herself

The second post this week where the OP has main character syndrome. As someone who has had a very ill child, who then died, I despise this behaviour. Support your colleague; do not make this in any way about you.

What is it that you feel you need support to 'cope' with then?

This comes up once a week, and necessarily informs decisions you need to make as a manager in terms of workload, time off etc. That doesn't sound too onerous?

Are you still taking on the bulk of his workload? In which case I can see why you'd need support with that, and I think the best bet is to go to your manager/ HR and look at potential solutions that don't involve you doing the work of two people.

Your initial post sounded more personal though - like it was affecting your thoughts/ life/ parenting and making you feel guilty for parenting choices or for doing things that could be seen as 'frivolous' such as beauty treatments. I can understand that to some extent - I have a friend with a young child the same age as mine, and that friend has been very seriously ill. I've obviously felt very sad and worried - because she's my friend - but also felt that guilt and sense of unfairness that I'm moaning about a broken night's sleep or looking forward to a nice holiday whilst she's dealing with so much more. And the only thing you can do really is remember it's not ultimately about you, that you not having your beauty treatment or not doing something nice for your kids will make precisely zero difference to his situation. Obviously don't put any of these feelings or concerns onto him - of course you wouldn't - and focus on what you can do to best support him and his family in your capacity as his manager. That you've been supportive this far has already made a difference and no doubt made the situation more manageable for them, keep doing that.

I think it's fair enough that you've cried about it - it's a heartbreaking situation and to have no response would be strange - again as long as you're not showing that response to your colleague. If it's really playing on your mind/ becoming more intrusive maybe consider some counselling for yourself to help.

Above sounds about right to me. OP this thread went weird from the first (inappropriate) response. You don't deserve any of the judgment. You do need more distance though, don't feel guilty about your children being well.

I've had ppl struggling who report to me at work and it gets to me every time. Not everyone can just switch off. Got to keep trying though....

Wow. I assumed this would be work related, ie colleague not able to be pulling his weight, and you having to do too much.

Just finding it difficult to hear about someone’s ill child, because you have children? Get over yourself and stop being so selfish.

A colleague had nothing similar some 20 years ago and the baby died - it stays with you - that poor family, bit I often think about that time.

It is emotionally draining especially when you have similar aged kids.

Be proactive, ask for support on the work front. Ask for a mental health chat with a professional

This is not what she’s saying.
shes tired and for over a year she’s helped support colleague from a work burden perspective, so he hasn’t had to take a potential salary reduction which could have caused the family financial problems on top of everything else.
sounds like she’s human and is asking for support on dealing with this situation - work burden AND just being so close to this sadness every day and the guilt she’s feeling that she’s ok.
she sounds highly empathetic and people who aren’t so much are misinterpreting her.