Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

I think some of the replies you’re getting are because it sounds like you’re been listening to him talk about this for hours on end.

Secondary trauma is a very real thing and sounds like it could be affecting you here. Do you have an employee assistance programme (EAP) at your workplace that offers referrals for counselling? I would recommend that for you AND him. Hollow laugh at @Catza’s suggestion of IAPT - they have very long waiting lists and are more geared up for mild depression and anxiety. I hope your employee is also aware of supportive charities like MacMillan.

It sounds like there’s an unsustainable combination of things happening for you - you’re finding it hard to hear anything about his situation AND you’re doing too much of his work. Being supportive is one thing but taking over most of his workload is a lot.

Have you spoken to your own manager about any of this?

"He simply told me about the situation every now and then. A couple of times his wife showed up on the teams call."

If this is the case, then this isn't a work issue per se. He isn't doing anything wrong, he isn't burdening you emotionally, using you as a therapist etc.

So while this sounds hard for you, it does sound rather like you are internalising his issues and being a little 'main character ' over it. It doesn't sound like it is a constant theme from him or whatever.

I disagree. WTF is the colleague’s wife doing on their Teams calls?

Second hand trauma is a thing - and a reason why a compassionate approach also needs to include compassion for yourself and boundaries when supporting others. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of stress in managing this situation, but haven't included looking after yourself or maintaining boundaries between professional and personal involvement, which has meant you're now burning out and struggling to cope.

The situation, while awful for your colleague and his family, is not your fault or personal responsibility. You don't need to carry any guilt about what's happening in your own life, whether good or bad. You don't need to feel unable to celebrate when something good happens for your children, or stop doing nice things for yourself. Arguably, doing nice things for yourself is particularly important when you're experiencing a prolonged and difficult situation at work - it's a way of being compassionate to yourself and re-filling your reserves so you can continue to feel able to support your colleague effectively.

It might help to speak with your own manager about the situation. They may be able to provide some informal support for you, or mentoring or access to leadership training about how to support colleagues going through such things (many people have to manage colleagues who are going through difficulties). They may also have some ideas on how to support your colleague as effectively as possible. I'd also suggest taking some time off work using your own annual leave, to re-charge and to remind yourself that professional life and personal life can be separate.

I think that's a bit harsh. I work with traumatised children who have suffered the worst things imaginable. My company provides weekly therapy sessions for us. Sometimes we need a coping mechanism so we can get through and continue to help the kids through their trauma and that's all the Op is asking for - a mechanism, not a sarky remark.

HR is involved from Day1. This colleague is not in the UK. He has access to therapy etc. He cannot take time off work without pay as his wife is a full time carer now and they cannot manage financially without his income.

You’ve been kind and probably went into emergency mode at the diagnosis doing everything you could. Unfortunately as this is now a long term situation it’s unsustainable. It’s not that your colleague doesn’t need support but the business needs to provide that, not just you. There needs to be a better plan than you covering all the work and supporting. Take a step back and work out what needs to be escalated, whether you need to bring in additional resources, or cut out some of the workload.

It sounds like you’re feeling some personal responsibility for his situation. Are HR aware that you’re doing most of his work?

I’d be concerned that a few minutes conversation about his sick child was affecting you to where it affects your feelings about your own children.

Yes there are things you need to know to offer appropriate support and you’re carrying significant extra work - being tired affects the emotional capacity we have for our own and others stuff. You need to be able to put his stuff down - not to be hard or uncaring but being able to separate out the things you need to know to support him from the emotional impact it’s having on him (and vicariously on you). Access whatever workplace supports you can and try to adjust your own workload or you’re going to burn out.

There's 2 issues here, the workload, which should be a relatively easy fix if you speak to HR about it.

Then there's your reaction to him talking about his situation, when asked, for a few minutes each week. You're reaction to that isn't healthy or normal tbh. Can you access some counselling through your work?

Her colleague hasn’t trauma dumped though? He’s barely mentioned it apparently !

Where is your manager in all this? You need to stop picking up all the work. They would pay for cover if it was important to them that the work was covered.

@BridgetJones55 - I hope you see @Scirocco’s words here . They’re very true.
you have been an incredible boss. It’s really ok to look after yourself - whatever that means. More work support; treats for you and your family, some time off. Xx

Fgs, this situation is clearly about her. Who else is it about? Op isn’t asking how to support her team member - she has been doing that, and doing it appropriately from what she has said. I hope to Christ that all the posters who have accused her of crossing boundaries,or being some kind of pseudo counsellor, don’t have people management responsibilities themselves.

Op it is difficult to support somebody through a traumatic event, we can act as a ‘sponge’ for their trauma and it is important that we have space ourselves to process this. Do you have access to counselling services in your workplace?

Retired long time, sorry to derail, but do people really call colleagues who they manage ‘subordinates’? I never considered those I supervised or managed as subordinates. Colleagues or team members surely.

@BridgetJones55 I agree with @Candleabra. You’ve been supportive and kind, but you can’t keep taking his workload.

People on here are being complete arseholes, frankly. Classic Mumsnet – running with a critical and overly simplistic trope.

It must be so upsetting to have a situation involving child cancer and suffering come up every week at work. It inevitable that colleagues will absorb some of the longterm heartache. Throw overwork into that and it’s not surprising you eventually get to a mentally fragile place. Can you access occupational health for support?

That doesn't mean you should work until you burn out. Put yourself and your family first

Ah, the lack of reading comprehension is strong in the replies 🙃

As his line manager it's right that he tells you what is going on so that you can make accommodations. And as a compassionate human it is PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE that you feel for the colleague and his family.

According to ring theory you aren't meant to be a hard stop for the stress. You need to pass it out away from him - so talk to your partner, parents or a counsellor - since it's a professional situation and confidentiality is super important, I'd mention that a work situation is getting to you to partner/friends/your own line manager without the details about his child (fine to say how it is affecting you and how you are struggling), and I'd take in depth discussion to a counsellor, whom you can talk freely to.

Psychologically you were never meant to cope with this without support, we've aren't built to, so please don't try to carry it all on your own shoulders.

Other things that might help:

imagine a bubble around you which compassion can radiate out from but stress can't enter.

Get another person in to help the redistribution of workload - a temp who is either appropriately skilled, or even a PA temp who can take some admin off your plate so that you can do the extra things you have picked up.

Manage your own and your boss' expectations about how much it is humanely possible for one person to do, especially over this extended period. Remember that out of compassion for him if not for yourself, you don't want work to think they can manage without him and make him!

Seriously increase your self care game. Sounds twee, but is vital. Get the counselling. Eat healthy food- pre-prepared or meal box service is fine if you're exhausted. Get the sleep you need. Hydrate well, get time to yourself to read/craft/swim/whatever on a regular basis and make it non-negotiable. Journal to process your thoughts if that's helpful. Connect with your kids with gratitude.

Best of luck.

My 6 year old has cancer = real life problem.

My colleague’s 6 year old has cancer , is hardly a problem unless they are a close personal friend.

Apparently this colleague is not trauma dumping; he’s not asking for emotional support. It’s just the reality of his situation right now , and the OP is aware of it.

If OP doesn’t have the emotional resilience to deal with this situation she has some real , serious challenges coming for her in life. She also maybe suffers from perspective-taking, boundaries , understanding separation of self and other, etc.
I think it’s reasonable to point that out to her…

What am I reading here? Such heartless corporate replies to the OP. I’ve worked for a huge corporation these past two years and this sort of response is typical. Previously, I’ve worked in close knit places where we are both friends and colleagues, and if a colleague/friends child was seriously ill then I would probably be talking to that person on a daily basis.

OP, this is stressing you out and you are suffering from anxiety. You come ancross as super caring. I see you need to strengthen your own mental health boundaries. Seeking some therapy might indeed be helpful, as others suggest. Also, recognising you have young children who are well and do need a mum who isn’t anxious. Doing nice things for them, for yourself, is not wrong but is absolutely right. Being harsh to yourself won’t make your colleagues suffering any less, in fact having stronger mental health/enjoying your own life, might help him (it will certainly help you to be there for him).

Cancer in children is incredibly hard, I experienced it via my sister, so I know how you are feeling. Look after yourself. Aim to do one nice thing a day for yourself. Make sure you eat well, get some exercise, you know deep down what to do. This thread IS about you! It doesn’t mean you’re some dreadful egotist to ask how to cope. Far from it!

Sometimes Mumsnet can be so supportive and sometimes it dumps on bosses who’ve supported a stricken parent for many months by working longer hours to take their share of the work… I don’t understand 😅🤷‍♀️
anyways @BridgetJones55 I think you’ve been incredible boss and I totally understand how the trauma of others can impact you personally and how hard it is to get support for that IRL.
MN should be a place where you can get support and I hope you’ve found it from some comments here.
You will have made a life changing difference to that family, and how their kid was able to be supported, by paying the DH and reducing his work and giving him flexibility. You should feel proud x

So you see him and provide him with 10 min (?) of 1:1 weekly
Thats over 1 work day out of 231 days that your sole focus was on how he is doing emotionally.
Add in the days you have used up to cover his workflow needs.

When you start breaking it into "providing cover" and your (other) management duties you are "spending" mental capacity on something which is emotional.

So take the sometimes blunt assessment of MN and ask your job for help for you.

Ask yourself how much time is your manager spending on you to make sure your work/life balance is working.

Agreed. I also agree with @NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel . If the workload is too much, his needs to be fed back to the organisation. It is not your responsibility to pick up all his work without support or help OP.

That's not helpful. OP has been honest on a anonymous forum and asked for advice. She is not alone in feeling guilty about totally normal human feelings.

This sounds a little like survivors guilt. It's OK to feel like this and I think it's a normal reaction. No one lives in isolation.

You do need to get some support for yourself.