Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

Exactly, him speaking about it now and then and 1-2min according to op, and she is asking how to cope. I mean really ? People need therapy and coping strategies now because someone else is going through trauma.

Exactly, imagine needing coping strategies for someone else's actual real life trauma. Someone you hardly speak to.

The problem is therefore OP the company has made you responsible for his finances. You know he can’t afford to reduce his workload or take unpaid leave and so you feel like you need to cover for him in effect by taking on his workload to allow him to be there with his child. That is a huge burden to carry.

But she is right it is his problem and one which he has to with his wife figure out how to solve.

taking on his work was a short term solution at best and one which you cannot continue because it is inserting yourself into the situation which as you said at the beginning is really taking a toll on you.

OP that is extremely difficult situation for your colleague.

But you’ve ended up taking the burden by continuing for over a year to take on his extra workload and over time.

Have you lost it? Or are you just a sick person mentally? Fuck off and don’t come near me again.

wth??! How is this called for?

Read @Pluvia nasty and unnecessary comment in full then you'll realise why the OP is pissed off.

I personally think what’s happened here is you’ve got too over involved (with good intentions) with your colleagues hard times that you’ve become over empathetic to the point you’ve taken on his work load and extra overtime for the last 14 months, you think about his situation too much that it has been unhealthy for you. So you feel burnt out but don’t want to tell anyone you’re drowning as you feel like you’re going to affect your colleague.

Op please you HAVE to tell HR how you are feeling. You are a mum to a young child, you can’t afford to be burnt out.

I'm sure she would love to, but can't bc her colleague needs support!!

You perhaps are not aware how far outside the norm your behaviour and choices are. Inevitably that begs the question as to why.

It sounds to me like you’re bleeding into this man’s life from issues of your own rather than anything to do with him personally but I can see why someone might make that inference.

I think the OP is well aware of that.

What a stupid thing to say.

I think that poster makes a valid point that people don’t normally make this much sacrifice for others unless they are family or in a relationship.

Instead of being insulting and defensive OP might reflect on that.

It is indeed.

https://www.getinflow.io/post/adhd-toxic-empathy

Something that people who know/ live with/ work with people with ADHD will be aware of but not just limited to those with ADHD. You can be too empathetic: many women are exploited by men who play on their empathy and use it to abuse them. (Not that I'm suggesting that this is what's happening here, clearly not.)

OP, I see you're really furious with me, but I think it was a reasonable question to ask. Many of us who've been managers will have seen colleagues we really like going through difficult times without identifying with them. I wondered whether, over the year of having him lean heavily on you, you'd got very close.

The problem with being a manager is that you are often required to take difficult decisions — like sacking people, or applying performance or disciplinary measures, or having to have difficult conversations with them.

I know I have watched way too many crap Netflix shows about scams, but do you know his story is definitely true? Sorry to ask…

Yes but can’t you see how this happened and could easily happen to you?

she starts working with him. His child gets very sick. She’s understanding (as everyone would be!) and says don’t worry I got you covered and starts to take on some of his work load to allow him to be with his child. The problem is this keeps going on and then he tells her that he has difficult finances and the whole family will collapse if he loses his job. His work aren’t prepared to give him any paid leave and so emotionally the burden has been passed to the OP. She can say no to taking on the workload but she knows is she does he might lose his job. He then tells her occasionally about how difficult it is. His wife is brought in. The OP feels guilty for putting her healthy family first and so has become unintendedly responsible for his family. I can totally see how she feels an emotional wreck.

very easy for people to say she’s too invested but I think the employer and the colleague are responsible for putting this pressure on the OP.

I didn’t agree with your comment at first, but actually reading the article is quite interesting.

It reminds me, a friend of mine had to quit her job (health visitor type job) because she kept thinking of other woman’s issues and things going on in their lives so much it affected her at home. This sounds exactly what OP is doing, and she is over compensating for colleague by taking on his work load.

My friend had to have counselling.

To use the old analogy OP, I think you're in danger of instead of throwing a life jacket to save a drowning man, jumping in with him and drowning yourself. His circumstances are very difficult and it's difficult for you to experience that indirectly. But, you are being paid to do the job of managing him in the interests of the business, not to rearrange the business around his needs. I don't see how with the best will in the world you can be doing your work and his to the required standards, but are in danger of making yourself ill trying. You need to do the sensible and professional thing here and talk to your own manager. Decisions on whether to retain an employee who can't do their job in your company are beyond your remit, and you need to stop concealing this from the aporopriate person and let them decide how to proceed.

She's not making it about her. She has a very real problem - that trying to support him has made life very difficult for her.

I don’t think she is though, and that is why she is struggling.

And yet.....

I read the comment. I can see why it annoyed her. I don’t think it justified that response.

Seeing as you ask me, no. Be sympathetic sure. But I have never nor would I ever take on someone else’s workload or feel their finances were my responsibility.

Thank you for taking time to think things through, @Rainbowclouds101 I wasn't trying to be inflammatory but it seemed a fairly obvious consideration to bear in mind.

I didn't report OP's post, by the way. I prefer to let things stand so that everyone can see how a thread has unfolded.

As his manager, her support of him should start and finish with managing his workload, attendance and some basic human empathy for his situation.

OP has repeatedly said that this is not her main issue. Her main issue is that she is miserable because a colleague's child is sick. She's become ridiculously emotionally over involved to the point that she can't enjoy a simple treat because her colleague's family can't afford them.

So there are two options...either this is the most horrendous case of Main Character Syndrome, or OP is simply not cut out to be managing people if she can't help but get caught up in their personal lives.

She can't carry on doing another person's full workload but she won't do the right thing and let the company deal with it proper because of the financial impact it will have on her colleagues. So what happens if another colleague's wife gets sick? Or their parent?

I'm all for employers/managers going out of their way to help people in genuine need, but this has gone way beyond that.

But again, OP doesn't feel that the work thing is the main issue, it's that she's sad about someone else's personal circumstances - she's not going to get a lot of sympathy from most about that.