Colleague’s child is very ill - how to cope

[BridgetJones55]

I moved to a new job last January. Within 2 weeks, a colleague (reports to me) was given the devastating news that his 6yr old had cancer. I supported him as much as I can, taking over most of his workload (working over time for this) and allowing him to work remotely full time.

The child is now in remission, but the disease/ surgeries caused a lot of damage - he is in rehab, with multiple serious problems that can become life threatening any minute. This colleague is the sole earner and they have been under financial stress due to extra expenses related to hospitalisations ( taxis, meals, childcare for the other child etc)

This whole thing has been causing significant stress to me. As a parent of young children, it has been very hard to hear about that child, my colleague’s problems, breaking down, his wife breaking down etc. I’ve been very supportive, I’m not sure how to cope, but I feel super guilty when I buy nice things, when I push my kids to achieve something, I feel guilty for having “disappointments”, for spending money on beauty treatments etc. His situation has been heading like a cloud over my head. I’ve cried several times.

Appreciate advice to help deal with all this.

Just to reiterate that your professional reaction has been spot on. You e supported this man as much as you could within your professional boundaries - knowing what was going on to give him leave/wfh etc….

The fact you’re been affected by the situation isn’t surprising. Your colleague has basically been a reminder that things dint always go well. That people get ill and that things can be really unfair. Even though we all know that, it’s very different when it’s played out right in front of you day in and day out.

I think you’d be quite heartless to not be somehow affected by it.
But I also think your reaction is much stronger than most people. It somehow has touched a nerve for you and triggered massive anxiety (around illness, death??). The best you can do is to get counselling. Through work or privately so this affects you, and your family, in that way.

Don’t feel guilty about your reactions (unlike some posters suggest…). Anxiety is anxiety. It doesn’t matter what the trigger is. But do seek support for it, like you would if you were anxious for any other reason.

With respect this person has supported the parent and it will obviously have a ripple affect. Although the OP isn't at the opening of the volcano they are at the bottom and its having an impact on their life.

OP, maybe move this thread to 'work' rather than AIBU. You'll get more measured replies.

Personally, if I was your manager, i would be worried that if you are experiencing heightened emotions around his situation, it might mean you are close to stress / burnout from effectively doing 2 jobs for over a year. Our personal resilience goes down and so what might not have affected you so badly a year ago, is doing now. How is your relationship with your own manager? Can you talk to them for help in putting a longer term plan in place for this colleague? Maybe addressing the workload situation, plus speaking to HR or your employee assistance programme (if you have one) will give you a bit of space from everything.

I think it's reasonable to point out to you that you have missed the point, and I think anyone trying to explain it to you will just be wasting finger movements.

Some people are just incapable of human emotion and empathy.

Some really harsh comments here. All this talk of 'professional boundaries' is crazy. It doesn't sound like anything unprofessional is going on.

The colleague has gone through a horrendous time – a seriously ill child is beyond anything most of us have ever gone through – and it's natural that he would discuss it with colleagues, and that it would affect his work.

You sound burnt out by the situation. It might be good to access counselling yourself. Or at least be kind to yourself – have some time off when you can disengage from it.

But not in this case.

It doesn’t matter that the trigger forvtye OP struggles are a child with cancer.
The OP is struggling with very c,ear anxiety related thoughts. She needs support that’s it,

Making it all about her colleague and that she isn’t allowed to have struggles ‘because look how hard things are for them’ is shit imo.
Her anxiety/reaction isn’t affecting him. It’s affecting her and her family.

The idea that it’s somehow less worthy or that the OP and her family aren’t as worthy of support is distasteful tbh.

You should both sign up for this able-futures.co.uk and ensure HR is onboard with you using work time for the sessions. In fact I’d use the signing up for it as an opportunity to record the strain you’ve both been under to “log it with HR” Just a short email written with him or cc’ing him in to HR setting out the situation so far (wfh, appointments etc.) and suggesting that you will be both be accessing ongoing support with able futures It’s very high quality MH support, free, and I can’t recommend it highly enough.

My take on this is a bit different to some others.

I think it's completely natural that you feel uncomfortable when you think about the difference in your circumstances- that's not to say you should feel guilty (of course you shouldn't) but we all put to the back of our minds just how fortunate we are compared to others until something comes along that makes it impossible to ignore. I had a similar situation where my friend had a stillbirth when I had a newborn, and I still fretted (to myself) about things like weight gain and sleepsuits while also feeling how incredibly lucky I was and how unfair life can be. It's also completely natural that you have cried about your colleague's son- I don't think that's odd at all.

I would say that this is part of life- a hard part- that we keep going even when we can't ignore how bad things can be. Even in the worst situations, people focus on aspects that might in hindsight seem trivial (I think of the heart-breaking passages in Anne Frank's diary where she worries about falling behind with schoolwork).

For you, you're experiencing it all at one remove- this isn't your child, it's your colleague's- but it still brings home these sort of existential questions, how we keep going when we know what might happen, how we keep thinking about clubs and schoolwork and beauty treatments even while being aware that we're all ultimately galloping towards the grave. It's normal to feel sad and guilty. It's also normal to then process that sadness and guilt and keep going.

As for what to do, if it's affecting you more than you can manage, maybe a therapist would be helpful. But I don't think your reaction in itself is wrong or in need of treatment and you may find that just some time and reading and thinking will help you through.

OP is not making it about her at all, she’s asked how to deal with her own emotions and explained where the emotions coming from. She is there for very specific advice.
Because of maybe her character and personal circumstances OP feels particularly deeply for her colleague and his family and can’t just get them out of her head. It often happens. Some people are more sensitive emotionally than others and some problems touch us more than others.

Other people are allowed to get upset though. It must be hard to have to be a therapist as well as a manager when you are not trained in such. Be kind.

I am pretty sure the world is safe from that possibility. 😎😉

The complete lack of empathy and compassion is disgraceful in this thread.

Is the OP not allowed to be human in this and have feelings and emotions? Managing someone going through a traumatic situation is hard. You can have all the training in the world but sometimes it doesn't prepare you for a real life situation.

When you are taking on a whole extra workload and it's starting to affect your own mental wellbeing the OP's management should be taking note of that and supporting them! Why have they not intervened earlier? It's been over a year?

What is going on with her colleague doesn't make how the OP feels invalid or means she can't talk about it because someone else is going through worse. It's absolutely terrible what he is going through but as his manager the OP has a job to support him and inevitably his child going through cancer is going come into conversation as the OP quite rightly stated they need to know what days off he needs for appointments etc.

If you don't let something like that affect you, especially when you have children then there is obviously something very wrong with your heart. The OP has had to deal with this for over a year, not just a few days. And it sounds like it's not going to end anytime soon either.

Use whatever supports is available to you OP. Employee Assistance Lines, Occupational Health, your own GP. Speak to your managers about the best way forward now in perhaps gradually giving him some of his workload back or sharing it between others.

I hope you come to a resolution and please know it's ok to feel this way. You are only human and the fact you feel like this shows you are a very kind one too

I dont think you read the OP properly.

The OP isnt trying to make her colleagues situation about her. But she is a casualty of it because she has taken on his workload as well as her own and is understandably stressed as a result.

OP does your work have a longer term plan for your colleagues workload because you cannot sustain shouldering yours and his work. It is obviously making you vulnerable.

Two things will help you

• engage support for you and your team at work
• Try CBT, this will help you unpick the recent choices you have made at work (taking on someone elses work is kind but unrealistic and unhelpful to all in the long term) and how to adapt going forward and will also help you with healthy coping mechanisms in times of stress and how to deal with the intrusive/unwelcome throughts you are having.

I think you need to give your head a wobble with this rageful comment to be honest.

My perspective was perfectly reasonable and I think it’s one the OP could do well to hear.

Sometimes what is squarely in order is a little bit of perspective taking.

Does your employer offer an EAP or similar for you? Can you off load to someone?

Don't feel guilty for living your life and loving your children. His situation is sad but it's not your situation to mourn

You are being a carrying manager checking in on this man which is obviously a very challenging time for his family. He will be grateful for the space and time you give him

Speak to your manager about longer term support or spreading the work more fairly. You do need to look after yourself too so you don't become unwell/burnt out

You could probably benefit from therapy to deal with your reaction around this so it doesn’t affect your own family.
i would talk to HR as you shouldn’t be doing two peoples jobs (if that’s the case?)
I’ve been in a similar situation to this man and nobody picked up the slack for my husband at work! Maybe you took on too much?

It sounds like you are suffering from vicarious trauma, please seek professional help and support for yourself.

This is incredibly helpful, thank you. As a project manager I often absorb a lot of other people's emotions. As one step removed from what are often people's once in a lifetime career passion projects I don't feel as emotional about them but supporting calmly while actively managing deadlines etc. is hard work and I am often drained by it. I love the idea that I can pass my stress outwards again to somebody even less emotionally involved and that will help it to dissipate.

Also - sorry - posting lots on this thread as I feel there are many unsupportive comments towards @BridgetJones55 and I don’t want her to feel disheartened.
Often a colleague’s relationship with other colleagues can be quite intense in these types of situations - even a friend can stop phoning for a day or so - but a colleague is there every day working side by side with the person struggling. And the way they can help is by covering or picking up their slack.. it’s intense.

You could be talking about my child except he's older at 9. My son is also now in remission but cancer has done it's damage and his body will never be quite the same again.

You feel guilty because it happened to someone else's child. Everyone knows that childhood cancer exists but it is easy to almost push it aside until it hits someone you know and then it feels real. Children get cancer, it could've been your child but it wasn't and it makes you feel a certain way.

It's completely normal. It's just like when my son was diagnosed and then also had to deal with the surgeries and complications, I often found myself thinking 'Why did it have to be him?' but then I'd feel guilty because if it wasn't him then it would be some other child.

It's obviously hardest for the child and their family but it is absolutely hard for those who know the child and family too.

Is the child recently in remission? I think what also doesn't help is that when people hear remission, they automatically think it is over and life can go back to normal when it is rarely that simple. Again, this is obviously more about the child and the family but can also hit those who know the child and family too. Remission can be almost as scary as the child going through the actual treatment because finding the new normal is hard, especially doing it knowing that relapse is a possibility.

Give yourself some time. Allow it to show you that life is precious and it is exactly for spending money on nice things and I promise you that your colleague will still tell his child off and push his child to do what he can achieve and he will do it with a smile on his face because it means that his child is still here and is healthy enough to achieve things and do something to be told off!

I promise you, what you are feeling is normal. Childhood cancer really does touch everyone involved.

@BridgetJones55 From what you said in your OP, you are doing the majority of the work this man cannot do, due to time, dealing with his situation, etc.

Am I right in assuming that you don't want upper management/HR to know how much you are doing because you don't want him to have to go to p/t or lose his job?

That is what I am getting from your post so if I am incorrect, please tell me.

I agree with the comment but I imagine empathy as a rain jacket.

If you saw someone standing out in the rain you might be tempted to run out and try and cover them but they are so wet they are numb to the rain. After a while you also get so wet you become numb to the rain too.

So when you see someone in a lot of emotional trouble. Put your emotional rain jacket on. I’m t means you can support them without getting wet and they might realise because you are wearing a jacket that it is actually raining.

she’s asked how to deal with her own emotions and explained where the emotions coming from…
Because of maybe her character and personal circumstances OP feels particularly deeply for her colleague and his family and can’t just get them out of her head. It often happens. Some people are more sensitive emotionally than others and some problems touch us more than others.

I totally understand this. But I also do think it’s important that people point out to OP that this situation actually isn’t about her; indeed OP’s problem seems to be that she has mistaken it for being so.

It is a question of perspective taking, separation of self from other, and an important part of being an emotionally mature adult.

Other people around you are going to have serious problems in their life. Right now , for example, I have a friend whose 5 year old has stage 4 neuroblastoma; I have a neighbour with three children under 5 (including a 3 month old baby) who has just been diagnosed with metastatised cancer; I have a close friend whose mother has just been diagnosed with MND; another friend has just lost both her parents, suddenly and in quick succession. My heart honestly breaks for all these people, but I also have to learn how to separate what’s mine from what is their’s or I honestly wouldn’t cope.

@Kirbert2 I am so sorry your family has had to go through such a horrible illness. I wish your child and your family the very best and hopes for "clear of cancer" sign in the future. {{HUGS}}

So when you see someone in a lot of emotional trouble. Put your emotional rain jacket on. I’m t means you can support them without getting wet and they might realise because you are wearing a jacket that it is actually raining

love this