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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

225 replies

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

OP posts:
EvenMoreCoffeePlease · 02/03/2025 10:05

My marriage wasn't dissimilar to this.

It worked and we rubbed along well until he met and fell in love with someone else, which is always the risk in this kind of set up.

Have you talked about it? Are you both happy with it?

ICanTellYouMissMe · 02/03/2025 10:07

We're pretty similar, and what I've found now is that, even when I want to find my way back, it feels awkward and I'm not sure it's possible.

I'm fairly close to looking outside my marriage tbh, or sort of already have.

It's not who I wanted to be but the kids...

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 10:08

It's common to lose the bond when life takes over. Keeping a close bond takes seperate work. I don't share a bedroom with my husband either but we still make an effort as a couple. Lots of touching and laughing together. Sometimes we slip because life is stressful and when we start bickering over daft stuff we carve out time to just be a couple.

It can rattle on for years doing it the way you're doing. But it only takes one spark with someone else on either side to upset the apple cart I think.

rainbowstardrops · 02/03/2025 10:08

I suppose if you're both happy with it then that's all there is to it.
I'm in a similar situation but a bit older than you.
He suggested going on a cruise the other day but the thought of sharing a bed again is enough to put me off! 🤣

GymBergerac · 02/03/2025 10:09

I guess there's nothing essentially "wrong" if you're both happy.

Are you happy?
Is he happy?
Do you love, or at least like each other?
Is the household calm and contented?
Think about being like this in thirty years time - would you be happy if this was the rest of your life?

On the surface it sounds a bit sad and soulless, but it all depends on the answers to the above questions...

teacoffeeorpassthegin · 02/03/2025 10:10

That's nothing like my set up but if you are both happy then it's fine.

Me and dh do lots together and I'd hate not having him as a really good friend.

Do you want to change things?

Original poster
Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 11:02

We would definitely not have predicted this set up when we first got together. We used to work together and have a shared practice, didn't have kids till late 30s and things were great. But by now, Dh changed sectors, kids and house takes up all our bandwidth. We also certainly don't feel the dame way about each other. Not that we have enough cash for two houses in London and the kids love us both.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 02/03/2025 11:05

Why don’t you share a room? How did that happen? And you say you don’t really have sex- but either you do or you don’t… so which is it? I feel like you’ve drifted to a point and now you need to sit down and discuss how it is now and how you want it to be- as you’re not old and deserve to have fulfilling and enriching relationships.

ssd · 02/03/2025 11:06

If its anything like what I've seen with friends, you'll probably split up when the kids are older and busy living their own lives, a bit more separate from you. Just now the busy life with kids is holding you together, when they start spreading their wings you'll look and him and see a stranger.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2025 11:10

Are you both happy? It doesn’t sound like you see each other as spouses more like housemates with shared kids. It wouldn’t work for me, I like having sex, sharing a bed with DH and feeling like his partner/wife/lover not just coparents. If you haven’t talked about it and don’t know how he feels that seems pretty risky. Are you looking forward to growing old together? I’d say you’re both vulnerable to temptation elsewhere.

Original poster
Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 11:11

To answer some of the questions, we stopped sharing a room partly because of the kids but partly also because of DHs snoring that keeps me up all night. Now that am in perimenopause am also up at odd hours. Dh doesn't like it but also won't sort out his sleeping pills that exacerbate his snoring. Nor does he really seem aware thar am often up from 3-5 scrolling on my phone which would piss him off.

OP posts:
InMyMNEra · 02/03/2025 11:16

I would worry that it’s not a very “normal” marriage to model for children.
I know that you say it’s happy, and it’s certainly better than fighting, so who knows, maybe I’m wrong.

I think it will only work when you have young children, though. When they are older, you won’t need to stay together

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/03/2025 11:33

@Ncphjwneu the fact that you had kids should not have made you split the sleeping arrangements. that is just silly and now you are paying for it. disconnected relationship.

Floralnomad · 02/03/2025 11:39

I’m sure that there are plenty of people living exactly like this or a variation of this ( not everyone has a spare room) but it’s not normal and I would imagine eventually one of you will decide that you want a proper relationship with someone else . Perhaps you are both secretly waiting for the kids to be grown and flown . Do you have sex at all ? Weve been married for 35 yrs , and this isn’t how we live .

FrannyScraps · 02/03/2025 11:47

Sounds like you've split up really, you're just saving the physically move until the kids have left.

It's a shame and a waste of all of your lives really.

We've been together 22 years, also early/mid 40s, and our marriage is nothing like this. We have older/adult children and still enjoy being with one another, sleep together,.socialise together and have sex regularly.

ArabellaWeird · 02/03/2025 11:56

Have you spoken about your arrangement and worked out if you both feel similarly about it? I don't think it's particularly unusual to grow apart, I think it's pretty unusual for it to be able to continue indefinitely...

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 12:00

I suspect it'll be increasingly common given how expensive it is to run a house these days. I think it's quite sad though, and not setting a great example to kids but depends how it's handled and spoken about as they get older I guess.

Daisydiary · 02/03/2025 12:07

Sounds like a lot of my friends. Mid 40s, both doing well in their careers, the ‘want a man to have a baby’ hormones have gone and many of the women have realised that they simply don’t need their other halves. Conversations become logistics around the DC and the odd holiday. Human beings are intrinsically selfish. Without the desperation for a man that many women seem to experience in their younger years, really, what is the point of them?! IME they can be a net negative on the whole family set up!!!

Original poster
Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 12:09

Tp be fair to Dh, he does do stuff around the house and with the kids so he is a good dad.

OP posts:
DazedDragon · 02/03/2025 12:09

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 11:11

To answer some of the questions, we stopped sharing a room partly because of the kids but partly also because of DHs snoring that keeps me up all night. Now that am in perimenopause am also up at odd hours. Dh doesn't like it but also won't sort out his sleeping pills that exacerbate his snoring. Nor does he really seem aware thar am often up from 3-5 scrolling on my phone which would piss him off.

We're mid 40s and just the same but not separate rooms (but if he has more than 2 pints he snores so has to sleep on the sofa!!!!).

We have different interests/hobbies which I think is nice. We do family stuff together (holidays, days out). We go out with our own friends.

Life is busy with jobs and kids.

I think this is quite normal and just how life is! I'd rather have a good night of sleep than sex!

My DH does somewhat bore me as his main hobby appears to be watching TV whilst phone surfing, whilst I prefer learning and trying new things, but then it's his life.

ParrotParty · 02/03/2025 12:14

FrannyScraps · 02/03/2025 11:47

Sounds like you've split up really, you're just saving the physically move until the kids have left.

It's a shame and a waste of all of your lives really.

We've been together 22 years, also early/mid 40s, and our marriage is nothing like this. We have older/adult children and still enjoy being with one another, sleep together,.socialise together and have sex regularly.

Edited

That depends on whether you value a potential close partner over having the children living with you full time.
Splitting in this situation wouldn't guarantee a good relationship with someone else, and would mean losing time with the DC during their childhood. Doesn't seem worth it in my opinion unless there's actual issues in the relationship rather than a lack of connection.

TheMorels · 02/03/2025 12:19

I have a friend with what sounds like similar set up. They rub along quite happily, but their social lives are 90% separate. I’ve known them for over 20 years and I have never known them to do anything that’s just the 2 of them - no weekends away, or lunches or dinners out. They don’t even watch the same stuff on TV. He went away with mates for his 50th and did nothing with my friend.

Wouldn't be for me, but they seem perfectly happy.

SalfordQuays · 02/03/2025 12:19

I’m sure many marriages are like this.

I definitely think that as we get older, sleep becomes more of an issue. I’m 57 and been with my partner for 9 years. We don’t live together for logistical/work/family/geographical reasons , but we see each other several times a week, go on holiday together etc. We get on really well, and we definitely see ourselves growing old together.

But about a year ago he started snoring, and it kept me awake. I wake several times a night anyway with hot flushes and needing a wee, so basically we were disturbing each other. So we stopped spending nights together. Sometimes I worry that this makes it “less” of a relationship, but I can’t cope with the lack of sleep when he snores, and it was making me angry. I’m in awe of couples who can get to their 50s, when snoring and menopause takes over, and still sleep well in the same bed!

Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/03/2025 12:22

No idea how common or uncommon, but it sounds miserable to me.

JHound · 02/03/2025 12:30

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

My friend’s parents are like this. Admittedly their’s was an arranged marriage to begin with but her parents have completely separate lives but remain in a marriage together.

If it works for you that’s all that matters.