How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

[Ncphjwneu]

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

I know that busy busy busy is worshipped on MN, but maybe if you were less busy with life you’d have more time for each other and a better relationship.
DH and I have been together for 24 years, we’re mid-50s, have DD, both work - but we’re not endlessly busy and so spend lots of time with each other. Which is lovely.

There are only 2 peoples opinions that matter on this! If you are both happy with being companions then that's absolutely fine!

I’ve been married 29 years this year. Had two kids, now 24&21. Still share a room, still love each other. It’s us that brought the kids into the world and it’ll be us that left after they’ve gone( one down, one to go) so we have always valued our relationship as well as our kids

Oh and both work full time ( well, with me finishing at 3.30/4.)

I agree.

I divorced my ex-H because of this. Not a bad guy at all, in fact an excellent father, but we were just crap together. We both agree on this- nobody's fault.

We've co-parented our two, brilliant boys for 16 years & have huge respect for each other. I've been with the absolute love of my life for 14 years. Another child & a very busy life (inc significant ASN of that child which is v stressful) & he's still my favourite person on Earth. We adore each other & crave time together. I still fancy the bones of him, & sleeping without him (which I've had to do recently with him working away) feels like part of me is missing.

Please don't choose a life without proper love, you deserve to be fulfilled.

Yes, the years of v young DC on my own with a mortgage killed me, but I got on with it (2nd job from home when they were sleeping, cut my cloth).

If you're happy, grand, but I suspect by starting this thread you're not really?
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Don't think it's that uncommon, and is probably the kind of relationship many of the older generation have. Sex is really important to some people, and not for others. There's no right or wrong. You may find as the kids are older that you have more time for one another.

Re invest in your relationship. And prioritise each other. Get back in the same bed and start having sex again. Surely the longer you leave it the harder it gets to get back into, but after a few weeks of awkwardness you will be back on it!
What did you like about each other pre kids? What did you used to do together? Just get your head back in your relationship. You can save it. It's just a tricky season of life.

We're late forties, together thirty years, children are adult and have moved out.

I don't recognise your description of marriage.

I would be worried about what happens when it's just the two of you again, how will that work?

I’m the other side. My DH is my preferred person to hang out with. He works ALOT and I sometimes feel a bit alone with the kids but he can’t help his job is full on it’s paid for us to have a nice house and I stay at home with our children 2 and 6. He’s my best friend. I am lucky I had a lovely mum and still have a great relationship with my sister but I do still really enjoy the time me and DH have together.

I knew it would be snoring! People make jokes about it but it’s f**king relentless and the snoring partner always gets grumpy and uncooperative about improving the snoring.

To answer your question, it depends if you’re both happy. Often one person isn’t but doesn’t say anything, lulling the other into a false sense of security. How do you think your husband feels? Do you think he might be waiting till the children are older to leave?

I would not like that at all

It's a cliché but you need to go away on a really nice holiday somewhere romantic, just the two of you. I can PM ideas if you would like ;)

If DP and I hadn't settled for separate rooms, we would have split up. His snoring along with my pre menopause issues meant I was getting next to no quality sleep and was absolutely miserable. Now I sleep so much better, I don't disturb him when I have insomnia, and we are nice to each other again.

I hope this isn't inappropriate but I think there's something very sweet about what you describe. So many relationships are stupidly volatile and unpleasant. And what you and your husband have is a team mate in life: to share all of its jobs/goals/challenges. I think there's a lot to be said for that aside from what you would admit is missing.

As long as you are both happy with the relationship, that's all that matters. But I think you still have to prepare yourself for potential trouble ahead. It's not unusual for one or both people to one day realise that they miss desire and being desired. Often this realisation comes as the result of meeting someone else who awakens that in them. Me personally I could never relax in a "dead bedroom" relationship.

You are wasting your life, you’ll get to the point your kids will leave home and you’ll be stuck in a lonely life with many regrets, all for the sake of bricks and mortar

I don’t know whether it’s common or not, but I would be very sad to lose the physical intimacy in my marriage in our 40s - I think you run the risk of creating a huge divide between yourselves that will only get larger when life is less busy. A healthy sex life is what separates and sets apart your relationship to the other relationships in your life. I think it’s important to uphold this for as long as possible

Me and my husband are sleep divorced too ! He's always snored and I put up with it for the first 11 years of our relationship but after a work related accident which put him out of work for 11 months he put on some substantial weight while I cared for him and worked it was hard and brought me to my knees I didn't resent him for it but the snoring that first grumble was rage inducing so we agreed to sleep separately for a while that was back in 2022 I told him if he lost the weight and reduced his snoring we could try sleeping together again the ball was in his court it was up to him no pressure from me though because he now had a snacking habit and I know only too well how hard habits are to break so it's taken a long time but he's slowly losing the weight BUT my health has thrown a wrench into our bed haha I now have a torn rotator cuff and can only sleep in one position so can't have anyone in the bed with me plus I'm still recovering from a dvt and PE from 2023 we are a right pair ! Like everything in like nothing is forever so weather we do manage to find our way back to the same bed remains to be seen it's not ideal but works for us for now . We love each other and it's something to work towards if we really want it . Like another poster mentioned further up if we didn't make this change it could have ended up in actual divorce.

I think we are stuck in a limbo. I have no assumptions about meeting anyone else. Is this a happy and blissful relationship- no. I don't think we love or even truly like each other anymore, too much water under the bridge. However, we work well enough as a team when it comes to other bits of life. I also don't see how raising kids in a one bed flat would be much better.

It is a shame as we really had a great time when we were younger. But it's also not about just us anymore.

We are not like this. We've been togetger 15 yeaes. Honestly, I wouldn't tolerate a sexless marriage.

That's really sad @Ncphjwneu. What's the plan for when the children are older and leave/have their own lives?

I don’t think it’s uncommon after 20 years.
If you have your own job, interests and friends you’ll be just fine if/when your marriage ends. I’d be more concerned about marriages where the couple are codependent and rely very heavily on each other.

I could have written this myself, we are civil but there is no love or affection and I don't want that anymore either.

Like you say too much water under the bridge. But I also don't want to be a struggling single mum, we both bring in a good wage nice house etc and it seems silly to give that up.

DS is only 6 but I'm almost certain once he is in his teens (should be mortgage free by then) we will go our separate ways.

I find it odd that you are not sharing a bedroom and only in your mid 40s. What’s that about / how has that come about?? I’d start by trying to repair that - if you want to - and seeing how it goes. It seems a shame to me to have a partner yet not share much intimate life together. I think for this to continue like it is you both need to be open and happy with it or you risk it all falling apart later if either of you meet someone else for example..

If it works for you, then each to their own. As long as you are happy with it that’s all that matters. Personally this wouldn’t work for me.