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AIBU?

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Original poster

How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

225 replies

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

OP posts:
JHound · 02/03/2025 14:39

FrannyScraps · 02/03/2025 14:20

Jeez talk about spelling it out for you. Can't you just read the OP's posts?

*They don't share a room or really have sex any more.

Dh isn't happy about separate room but won't do anything about it.

They don't have mutual friends or hobbies.

They don't feel the same way about each other.

They don't have the money to split.*

If she was happy she'd say, 'I appreciate this isn't conventional but we're happy.' Instead she's just wondering how unusual it is.

Show quote history

Why does not sharing a room or not having sex mean you are unhappy?
Yes the husband would prefer they share a room but evidently not that fussed or he would tackled the issue of his snoring.

It seems like a good healthy relationship that you have decided is unhappy solely due to having separate rooms / not having sex. Neither of those is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:40

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 12:36

Why is it a waste of their lives? They seem very happy with the arrangement.

Do they?

Yes they do.

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:42

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 12:00

I suspect it'll be increasingly common given how expensive it is to run a house these days. I think it's quite sad though, and not setting a great example to kids but depends how it's handled and spoken about as they get older I guess.

They are in a healthy committed partnership - not sure how that’s a bad example to children.

FrannyScraps · 02/03/2025 14:42

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:39

Why does not sharing a room or not having sex mean you are unhappy?
Yes the husband would prefer they share a room but evidently not that fussed or he would tackled the issue of his snoring.

It seems like a good healthy relationship that you have decided is unhappy solely due to having separate rooms / not having sex. Neither of those is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

Show quote history

You have very low standards for a happy healthy marriage. You might as well have a flatmate.

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:42

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 14:20

@JHound by the same measure, where are you reading that they are happy? I think it's been portrayed relatively neutrally tbh. I don't think it can be inferred either way. Except perhaps the fact she's asking, and hinted annoyance at the fact he hasn't sorted out his sleeping pills.

I am reading that they don’t sound unhappy so was confused why others are reading it as an unhappy couple.

FaithFables · 02/03/2025 14:42

My mum and dad were like this towards the end of their marriage. Slept in separate bedrooms, lived separate lives. I think it would have continued if my mum hadn't met her current partner. In the long run they're both much happier now they're divorced. My dad remained single, but is very happy on his own.

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:44

FrannyScraps · 02/03/2025 14:42

You have very low standards for a happy healthy marriage. You might as well have a flatmate.

Show quote history

I would argue low standards are insisting that a healthy partnership requires sleeping together, sex doing everything together.

They don’t sound like any flatmate arrangement I have ever lived in. Why can’t you have hobbies and interests away from your partner? Why MUST partners share a bedroom? Why does a healthy relationship HAVE to involve sex?

If both are ok with the arrangement why does it matter what other people think? There is no one way to have a healthy relationship.

take10yearsofmylife · 02/03/2025 14:45

I bet it's fairly common, my parents cant stand even living together but they are married. Some just don't see the point of divorcing as long as they are comfortable. Not everyone is looking for love at that age.. if something happened to me and dh, I probably happy to live alone! No more x 2 domestic chores 😄

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/03/2025 14:45

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:39

Why does not sharing a room or not having sex mean you are unhappy?
Yes the husband would prefer they share a room but evidently not that fussed or he would tackled the issue of his snoring.

It seems like a good healthy relationship that you have decided is unhappy solely due to having separate rooms / not having sex. Neither of those is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

Show quote history

@JHound

most people like to share a bed and have sex with their partner. Doesn’t sound healthy or happy to me. If money was no object, it sounds like Op would be out of their like a shot to find something better

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 14:45

@JHound no, you said they sound happy, and I'd be interested to know what makes you read it that way when there isn't really any evidence to suggest whether they are or not?

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/03/2025 14:45

@JHound

most people like to share a bed and have sex with their partner. Doesn’t sound healthy or happy to me. If money was no object, it sounds like Op would be out of their like a shot to find something better

Show quote history

And some people love their partner but prefer sleeping alone / not having sex.

Neither preference is superior to the other.

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:48

ghqpabks · 02/03/2025 14:45

@JHound no, you said they sound happy, and I'd be interested to know what makes you read it that way when there isn't really any evidence to suggest whether they are or not?

I meant they seem fine with the arrangement. I just find it odd people think there is only one right way for a couple to be together.

Ilovelurchers · 02/03/2025 14:48

I don't mean this to upset or worry anyone unduly, but DP and I recently had a break of a few months and I dabbled in on line dating (didn't get to the point of meeting anyone) and the majority of men I spoke to in the early 40s- early 50s were actually in this kind of set up, and looking to date outside it (they admitted this once pressed). My friend who is dating has found similar.

Now if the attraction has gone you may be fine with your husband's dating elsewhere. These men all assured me their wives/partners would be. Yet funnily enough, when I pushed on this point and said "well just be totally honest with her then - if you can show me you have done this I will date you" they all disappeared. Seriously, this happened at least four times I can remember, and I didn't even get chatting to that many men. I only found one genuinely single one in the end!

Ilovelurchers · 02/03/2025 14:49

Apologies for the random apostrophe in my post, and any other typos - I am multitasking!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/03/2025 14:50

JHound · 02/03/2025 14:46

And some people love their partner but prefer sleeping alone / not having sex.

Neither preference is superior to the other.

Show quote history

@JHound

it just sounds like they’ve stopped fancying each other to me 🤷‍♀️

curious79 · 02/03/2025 14:54

Do you love him? Not necessarily in a rip his clothes off and romantic way, but respect and love him? You've been together a long time and it's not unusual for relationships - particularly where kids are involved - to settle into familiar patterns and more ships in the night. You send like best friends. For many this is a good marriage.

To those saying it'll only take one spark of interest in someone else, well maybe it will, or maybe you're both respectful of the other, your kids, and you just wouldn't go there. Not everyone is ready and waiting to shag someone else. Equally, I would miss the physical closeness. You're young to be in a sexless marriage

dottydodah · 02/03/2025 14:56

I think many people have an "ideal" of marriage .Get married stay together and never stray .Always have the same friends.Having Sex regularly .Many marriages are I suspect similar to OPs. I dont feel she is desperately unhappy but maybe feeling a little "meh" Marriages are like everything, they need work and input.Men especially will want to have sex .They will often look elsewhere esp as DC grow and need them less over time .I think just a coffee out or WE away if CC avaliable will help .

Luddite26 · 02/03/2025 14:58

It sounds like you are a good team. I would be worried about losing what you have and maybe speak to him or try counselling together.
I know date night is a cliche but sometimes you just have to try and make the effort
I'm not marriage expert but you two seem to have something good going and for those of us who haven't had that I would want to keep it.

JHound · 02/03/2025 15:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/03/2025 14:50

@JHound

it just sounds like they’ve stopped fancying each other to me 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

That’s how you view it. You can fancy somebody and have no interest in having sex with them / or sharing a bed with them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/03/2025 15:02

JHound · 02/03/2025 15:01

That’s how you view it. You can fancy somebody and have no interest in having sex with them / or sharing a bed with them.

Show quote history

@JHound

that’s not the case for the vast majority of people

Rightsraptor · 02/03/2025 15:05

"I's" OP?

The word you are looking for is "my" - there is no possessive adjective I's, it doesn't exist.

Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 15:06

I think this is the way of good marriages and the only way you ever keep having sex until old age is divorce and meeting a new partner. Maybe not in every case but certainly many. DH and I do share a bed though I’d prefer not to as I’d get better sleep if he wasn’t there. We don’t have sex anymore. Haven’t for years. I’m not bothered and he doesn’t seem to be either.
We bumble along quite happily with our own hobbies and friends and we do things together with the kids too. It works for us

Disturbia81 · 02/03/2025 15:06

I think this is far more common than people realise

mydogisthebest · 02/03/2025 15:06

Nothing like my relationship at all. Been married 45 years and share a bed, still have sex and are very happy.

DH is my best friend and we do lots together

WatchingTheClowns · 02/03/2025 15:11

I think it's unusual not to have sex at your age, and to have slept in separate bedrooms for 8 years. My kids were 22 and 20 when I was in my late 40s, so my life was different.

Why do you spend so much time in the early hours scrolling on your 'phone? If your husband's snoring is a problem, get him to the GP to be referred for tests for sleep apnoea.