How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

[Ncphjwneu]

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

Could you see any possible future where you rekindled the joy in your marriage?

Why's it hard as time goes on?

None of us get together with someone fall in love and then plan to fall out of love do we?

It sounds like a lonely existence when you live with someone you obviously used to love.

I would talk to him and see how he feels. Do you bpth want to work at it? He cant help his snoring, though botox may help and obvs you're peri hours wont help things either.

I would suggest couples counselling. Dont throw away a good partner because you've lost your way due to life events. See if the spark is still there first. If it isn't then fine, but dont let it go without a last fight.

Good luck x

I agree wholeheartedly with all of the above, especially the last part.

By far the best solution for everyone involved is to rekindle what you have, if that's at all possible/affordable. Maybe you need to shake things up by going on a holiday to a place that's not remotely like anywhere either of you have ever visited, somewhere that's a completely different culture from the UK. It might make you see each other in a new light. And definitely do not take the kids.

Well we are the same but don't even holiday together. Makes me really sad.

I'm not sure it's that uncommon and different things work for different people I guess. Until one of you falls in love with someone and it all implodes. Then again, maybe this just suits you both and that won't happen.

Have you ever worried about what you are modelling for your children? That THIS is what they see as a 'normal' relationship? That's where my thoughts would lay. How will they develop healthy, loving relationships when what they are learning isn't reflective of that?

You don’t have to look far on here to realise that the assumption that it’s always the woman who is the catalyst for a sexless marriage is incorrect. There are many, many women trapped in sexless marriages due to the husband’s lack of libido.

Why on earth, how can, a couple not sleep together for 8 years.....? That's bizarre surely? Maybe I'm too old.

DH and MY

I think having separate bedrooms, if you are both happy with that set up, is perfectly normal and healthy in a happy marriage. Many couples need their uninterrupted sleep for any number of reasons and it doesn't mean everything else slides. So I'd take that out of the equation when evaluating things.

if your asking on here it means that something isn't right in your head and you are more likely unhappy but won't admit it.
myself and my husband are together 20 years this year but only married a couple..no kids but been through many health issues and financial problems. I also used to travel alot for my work so would be gone days. I am still in love with him and although sex is is reduced we still have it evey so often. we dint have much interested or hobbies similar to each other but we still have dinner together in eve. Make time together even if its eating a takeaway together on sat eve. I couldn't imagine not sleeping beside each other. we are different sleepers he a light I am heavy he likes like a light duvet I like a heavy one he gets up early I sleep on. you get used to it and we still get sleep you sound like housemates. what Will happen when kids move out ? what will ya talk about ?

This is a Tricky one ..
Ye work well together for the kids , that’s really good , Do you still love him & are you still attracted to him ?
Sometimes when kids are little ,parent’s drift apart due to how busy life is 🤷🏻‍♀️..
As the kids get older then , couples find they have more time for themselves again & reconnect ..
Has your husband gone to Doc about snoring ?
I’d kinda try sleeping in the same room again being honest ..
You don’t want the kids to see mom & Dad sleeping separately & think this is how it supposed to be ..
Also , is it feesible to have a date night once a week or every 2 weeks ?
just to get our for a couple of hours together, chat & catch up . Some alone time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yikes what a mess you have slipped into.
You need to make time for each other, starting with sitting down and talking about how to make your pretty dismal lives better.
Perhaps you both need outside help eg counselling but tbh you just need to talk it out and between you come up with ideas/strategies that will improve your relationship.
My husband snores, it’s bad but I wear earplugs and have pink noise on Alexa too. We don’t sleep separately (unless one of us is away from home) and never have.
I have never shared my children’s bed and they’ve never shared ours except for a cuddle now and again.
It amazes me that couples who were once madly in lust/love drift so far apart so easily.

I think you should sort this out. I would get back into the same bed. I am post meno with disrupted sleep and DH snores and farts. We still sleep in a super king.

If you are only 45, he is plenty young enough to get another woman very, very easily. He’s young enough to be attractive, but old enough to have a bit of power/status/money in comparison to someone younger. Men of that age often get with women in their late 20s.

Have you spoken about it? Do you want to sort it out? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I wonder how much regret there would be if you found out he was with someone else.

It amazes me that people put up with that much faff to be able to get a good night's sleep!!

If your fire alarm goes off or there's an emergency a close relative calls you for or your kids need you and can't get to you, you're not going to be able to hear it.

I love my DH but I don't want to sleep in his snoring, sweat, and dead skin cells.

Doh 😣 he would wake me up because WE ARE IN SAME BED!! Read more slowly and take it in flamingo person.

What bullshit this is 😂

Well I would assume anyone in such a miserable marriage would be resentful, but she wants to stay. It's nothing to do with whether it's the man or the woman.

And I don't think it's naive to expect people not to stay in a miserable, loveless relationship - I just don't have a horrendously low bar 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think your marriage ended years ago, and it's sad that you're both so apathetic about the situation and wasting each others time.

What happens when the kids leave?

Do you, him, and your kids a favour and call it a day.

Don't waste another second of each others life on this.

Some people value good sleep and don’t sleep well next to people. I always hate sharing a room / a bed with partners as I can only sleep well alone (which of course, causes issues).

Are they miserable?

I wouldn’t say we lived in different beds but I went to bed earlier than him so he wouldn’t touch me. I don’t know what else to day about this but it was bc I did want him to touch me. I

I was in a marriage like this -eventually left when the kids were grown and been so much happier on my own.

I personally would like to have separate rooms. I snore and my DH has supersonic hearing and gets irritated. But then he doesn’t want to sleep in separate rooms. I’ve lost all my libido and didn’t have much to begin with! I think marriage can look like many different things for people and there is no right or wrong.

She doesn't sound too happy? Though maybe I'm projecting because I'd be miserable in a loveless relationship?