How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

[Ncphjwneu]

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

Why is it a waste of their lives? They seem very happy with the arrangement.

Why is it a waste of their lives? They seem very happy with the arrangement.

Do they?

Do you actually want a romantic relationship? With DH or indeed anyone? And does he? If you're both fulfilled and happy as you are then I don't see the problem. If either of you feels like there's something missing in your partnership, then whether this is normal or not isn't really the point. It's just not right for one or both of you.

From not sharing a bed for so long and never having sex, I'd think you were in your 60s or 70s tbh.

I read so many posts on here like this, it makes me wonder which of my friends is also in a sexless relationship.

DH and I are in our early 40s and have been together 20 years. No kids though, which obviously makes a massive difference. We sleep in the same bed most nights, but do bail and sleep separately if it's clear he's going to snore and I'm going to be poking him all night. We have sex regularly (multiple times a week) and still get dressed up, go on date nights and have a laugh.

The thing is if you are still happy and care about each other as the kids grow older you may well rediscover each other. But it's worth trying to work a bit more on that side of your relationship now.

Nope, I feel like we are still a bit closer than that.
Been with DH 35 years, married 28.
We sleep in the same bed albeit super king-size now. He used to snore terribly and I would move in the night, still do very occasionally, but he sleeps on 4 pillows now and that has solved 90 percent of the snoring.
We have sex about once a week these days.
We aren't in each other's pockets but we enjoy each other's company and like going to gigs and theatre shows together, and on weekends away, which we get to do more now the kids are grown up.
Every night I cook and he clears up (with the kids who are at home). I work part time and do most of the cleaning and remaining kid -wrangling but he does a lot of the laundry and keeps the kitchen spotless.

Doesn't sound it! Neither sound 'very happy' at all.

I'm like that. Almost completely separate social lives. I don't do anything with DH, it's been donkey's years since we've been out for a meal.

Now the kids are grown up (teens/20s) I've taken a job in a different city, so we have separate bedrooms in completely different places in the week.

I know one couple who don't share a bedroom, in fact they no longer share a house! But they are still very much married going on 30 plus years now. No kids though he has from previous marriage.
I don't know about my friends' sex lives (well one jokes about 'oh it's DH's birthday so he'll expect sex' but I assume they are all still doing it). Big yes I'd say if kids still pre-uni a lot of interaction is about them and the house. Key is not not lose sight if each other, which is why I don't really agree that 'kids come first'. Your relationship is equally important.
Now all our kids are adults and they are now doing things together. (I'm excluded from this experience as I'm a widow since my kids were small).

You do sound more like companions
Do you at least feel you have a solid friendship?
I appreciate life gets busy with work and domestic stuff and DC, but personally it was the beginning of be the end when we didn't even bother to be affectionate towards each other, and of course my DS's noticed this
He was cheating constantly until I divorced him

He has friends.

Yeah well that's one word for it...

I just find this whole thread really depressing. Yes family life is busy but I don't recognise the rest and hope it's not like that for any of my friends either.

Why would be be pissed off about you scrolling on your phone? How would he even know

I'd say pretty uncommon from those I know. We have been together 24 years, now 39 and are still very happily married and make sure we spend time just the two of us regularly. Whether that's out for food when the kids are elsewhere, or a night or trip away. It's so important to continue to prioritise your relationship when children come along or it will end up just like friends co parenting.

I suppose if you're both happy living like this, that's fine. If you aren't, I'd try reconnect and spend time yourselves to see if you can get anything romantic back between you.

Don’t stay with him just for the kids OP. They will know you’re not happy. You deserve to be happy - that’s always the case and doesn’t change just because you’re a parent

Honestly, with my experience of divorce and being a single mum, I'd do anything to make this work. Would he go to marriage counselling with you?

I'm older than you and see a lot of happy marriages (who knows how intimate they are?) and a lot of unhappy ones. I've also seen how quickly decent men get snapped up and how easy it is to fall for someone if you're not getting affection at home - that applies to both men and women.

Where are you reading they don’t sound happy?

At least they are

together as a unit and the kids don't have a blended family to negotiate and having to go off to different houses at the weekends etc.
Splitting up brings up a load of problems in itself. Different ones but still problems.

@JHound by the same measure, where are you reading that they are happy? I think it's been portrayed relatively neutrally tbh. I don't think it can be inferred either way. Except perhaps the fact she's asking, and hinted annoyance at the fact he hasn't sorted out his sleeping pills.

Jeez talk about spelling it out for you. Can't you just read the OP's posts?

*They don't share a room or really have sex any more.

Dh isn't happy about separate room but won't do anything about it.

They don't have mutual friends or hobbies.

They don't feel the same way about each other.

They don't have the money to split.*

If she was happy she'd say, 'I appreciate this isn't conventional but we're happy.' Instead she's just wondering how unusual it is.

I haven't been fortunate enough to have a long relationship myself but from what I have I observed with friends, and what people say in the dating world, this sounds pretty normal. Not the ideal, but I would say a large percentage of marriages do become this once kids come along.

Many long term relationships seem to have a 20 year lifespan..enough time to have and raise children and then to realise that in the work and joy of raising children, the couple have grown apart.

At that point, you have to make a decision....either that you are happy as you are and continue on. Or decide that you want the chance of romance again, and split up. At any time you are both free to make another choice.

But the grass is rarely greener, and the dating world is pretty horrendous. I would say better to develop your own life interests or take courses together and remain mentally interested and interesting with each other.

Some people are lucky enough retain romance and sexual connection throughout a long marriage, but I would guess that's not the majority.

My parents have been married 60 years, I would say there was a good 25 years in the middle where nothing was said of any more depth than 'We need more eggs'. They are gifted with the ability to find contentment in what, to me, would not be a happy life. But then later on life they became all cute and romantic again, albeit sleeping separately due to snoring.

Definitely doesn’t sound like any relationships I know (well, as far as I know!) My DH and I have been together nearly 20 years, one child at senior school and one in primary. We both work full time and I’ve been studying for a new career the last couple of years too. Life is very busy and yes we have some separate friends and interests, but I couldn’t such a separate life - like we’re together but not!

If you have the means, then try and carve out time to go away, by yourselves, for a night or two or three. It doesn’t need to be a massive holiday, last time we did it we went to a cabin. Think the total cost was around £300- but we try and do this at least once every 3-4 months.

its good to have that time to be together, intimately as well as just a weekend together- no laptops, no work, just spending time together- walks in the forest, go for breakfast, go to a museum, drink some gin in the hot tub! Really really important. It makes such a difference- I’m always amazed at how differently I feel after and how much better things are.

It’s not easy- we’re lucky that our parents are both supportive of this, so they help with the childcare when we go. We also give each other time to go away with friends sometimes as well. It’s good to have your own space to rest and recharge.

life with children is tiring. It’s tough. These things are not really optional- if you can’t afford it, even just getting rid of the kids for the weekend to spend the weekend together at home and going for walks or whatever. You NEED time alone together.

Whenever I hear stories about people with disabled children breaking up it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest- sad as it is, if you don’t have the ability to leave your children with someone else for some respite you’re going to suffer.

Me 52 Husband 56
Not shared a room together to sleep for 16 years apart from holidays
Sex - regularly - more on holidays
Separate hobbies and friends - but we love our time together, love our holidays, love nights out, have things in the diary to do together - we laugh every day - at each other and with each other - I couldn't be happier

It sounds crap to me.

It will also have a high chance of divorce once the kids have grown and flown, seeing it right now among 3 friends all divorcing after raising the kids. All in their fifties and starting out again.