How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

[Ncphjwneu]

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

Every other day on MN a woman is blindsided when she finds out her DH is having an affair, and then about 4 posts in she’ll say, ‘We mainly focus on the children and haven’t had sex for 3 years’. And everyone goes, ‘Ahhh’. My friend’s mum said to her before she got married, ‘Always remember you’re a wife as well as a mother’, and she was right. Your relationship with your DH colours every aspect of your life - how your children see adult relationships, how happy, loved, and secure you feel, and how you will live your lives when your children leave home (and that comes at you very fast).

If you are both happy with the status quo - and make sure you ARE both happy - then that’s fine, but if not one or both of you may decide there’s no point in being married and may seek comfort elsewhere, with potentially subsequent financial and emotional costs. If you both still love each other I’d do everything in my power to turn the ship around before you can’t.

Oh my I s

I think a fairly hefty proportion of marriages are like this tbh. It’s not uncommon at all and when you are in the trenches of having and raising children arguably it doesn’t matter if you have the same values and respect one another.

I think the problem is more likely to hit home when the kids are old enough to fly the nest and you have to discover whether there are things you still love and value in each other.

I can understand keeping it ticking over so as not to upset children as long as you are not acrimonious. But after you have to ask yourself what is the point of the relationship? A relationship that doesn’t bring joy or enhance your life but is tolerable is one thing when you have kids to think about but why bother with it if you don’t?

I can’t see the value in clinging to the wreckage of a dead marriage.

Part of the problem is I think, that we live so long - much longer than people did in times gone by. It's not always possible to retain the same level of love, respect, involvement and engagement over a 60 year timespan as it used to before we lived so long. If you get married at 20, potentially you could be with the same man forevermore. I have got several friends who are still happily married (in their 70s) but I think it's unusual!

I guess you are co parenting and living together for convenience until one of you find someone else and want to move on.

It would obviously be great to have someone love me for me and to have fun with and be close to. I just don't think that's Dh anymore. Statistically am also unlikely to find that at again with someone else at 45. Arent my my options mainly to stay in this relationship that makes my day to day life easier or be a struggling single mum. Quite possibly I will be on my own by the time I hit 60 in both scenarios.

Well I think permanent separate bedrooms for eight years is the death of the marriage, I do understand the snoring issue but if there is no intimacy at all I just can’t see it lasting.
You are both young enough to make a new start and I would seriously think about it. The fact that you state you don’t even like each other any more speaks volumes. You are on a downward slope and one day, one of you, probably your OH are going to meet someone else.

My marriage was like that. We managed until the children were all grown up and then I left. Looking back I have no idea if it was the right thing to do. Maybe I would have been much happier if we had ended it sooner. More time to be happy if you see what I mean. But then I would have uprooted the kids. Impossible to know really but it's hard as time goes on.

It sounds dismal and I’m sorry that it’s come to this. I don’t think it’s rare tbh.

Unless he has no interest in sex at all, it’s likely that your husband will meet someone else and leave, at which point you’ll have no choice about the split, and no control over the timescale.

Isn't it better to discuss it properly right now and try to separate amicably?

I have no idea how common it is.

Not my normal though snoring an issue - at 40/50 boundary - 20 years of marriage.

My parents slept apart at older ages - Dad likely had sleep anpea and a shit GP the snoring was extreme - think some of our grandparnets did as well again snoring - by that was nearer late 60 to 70s.

I think MayaPinion above has a point - and any future planning I wouldn't be assuming you'd still be together. I suspect if anyone else comes along for either of you - other half will be left behind very quickly.

My DH and I were pretty much like this when our DS hit teenage years all be it we’ve not stopped sharing a room. DS is now an adult and totally independent and we have our old life and more now. He is truly my best friend!

I am older than you op and wouldn't write myself off in terms of another relationship should DH and I ever spilt. I am firmly of the opinion that there are multiple people out there that you would be compatible with. 45 isn't old. Stop living like it is. It's perfectly normal to want an active sex life, romance, affection, companionship and being more than passing ships in the night and co-parenting at this age and for many many years to come. I hope me and DH are still going strong well into our 90's.

My marriage is like this. DC 14 and 8, separate rooms for 6 years, no sex for same amount of time. In our case brought about by my resentment at his checking out of solving problems that affected our family, but never quite getting to the point of finishing it. He's continued to be passive and accepting, and I'm realising we have reached a new normal. My resentment is much less and I value the companionship, the fact that I'm not alone with every thing that needs to be done, and we haven't had to split our assets or time with the DC. I do miss sex and connection, but as several PP have put it much more eloquently, I'm choosing to have what we have rather than rip it up for the sake of the possibility of sex EOW in a much less comfortable home.

Totally agree with this , you can either separate amicably or agree to try and rekindle your marriage if that’s what you want to do . I’d rather be a single mum in an amicable split at 45 than have it thrust on me at 55 .

Your options are stay in a miserable marriage (and even if YOU'D rather do that, surely he must massively resent you? Unless he's getting his happiness elsewhere, I suppose) or give yourself the opportunity to not be miserable.

I'm a 47 year old single mum and I'm happy and content!

I've got no idea how unusual it is, I don't have any friends to ask.

But please, it is "mine and DH's" or similar; "I's" is never ever correct.

It sounds utterly miserable 😞

I suspect you'll continue to 'rub along' like this until one of you has an affair.

Also...it's a pretty shit model of how a healthy relationship should be for your children. Don't for a minute imagine that they are unaware of the dynamics...children are very observant.

Think about this: they are learning how to 'be in a relationship' by observing yours. Is this what you want for them, in their future?

Exactly what I think . Marriage was a thing when people were dead by late 40s .
Good for the posters who are still in a happy shagging marriage in their 60s,70s etc but it definitely isn’t the case amongst my friendship groups.
I don’t dislike my husband but very bored .
I have good friends who I meet up with regularly,nice holidays and days out. The financial security of being together far outweighs living apart and having no extra cash .

The light from the phone. Some people need almost complete darkness to sleep.

I am essentially you. We have checked out completely, but manage to live amicably enough. I’m afraid it does come down to money. We looked at the numbers and we are talking about a choice between us living in a four bedroom house with a room each and splitting the parenting and everything else OR living in, at best, two small flats in this area or maybe more somewhere else but with all that comes with living in an area that is new and with no support.

I am simply not prepared to do that to my kids just for the sake of living apart. They would have no holidays, no days out, no extra curricular etc.

i tend to think those who suggest splitting have no idea what the material choices are and, even if not bothered by the material stuff themselves, haven’t contemplated what effect that would have on the kids.

my situation is a little different though in that I started dating a couple of years ago. I have a boyfriend who is in a difficult situation with a disabled wife who is wholly dependent upon him for care, though understands he has a romantic life elsewhere. Initially I was happy with this on a casual basis but the feelings are now deep and real. I spend a night or so with him a fortnight. I would love more but can’t disrupt home for all the reasons that have always been there, and I don’t want to leave for someone else, only when and if it’s the right thing for me and the kids.

Why are you assuming HE is hugely resentful?

This man is free to leave whenever he wants and he wouldn’t have the same financial struggles the OP would have.
So I’m assuming he is choosing the stay because, fur him, just like for the OP things are good enough for now.

And let’s not be naive. There are many many marriages that are ‘just good enough to stay’.

He wants to shag you as you ride the waves up and down! 😂

I’ve a friend (male) who realised the temporary-spare-room situation was permanent when he returned from a business trip to find his wife had installed a new bedroom suite and home cinema system in his ‘new’ room as a surprise. He was indeed surprised. His wife was surprised when he sought a divorce and got 50/50 custody.

Earplugs are the answer. My exH and I would have needed separate rooms if not for earplugs.

"Statistically am also unlikely to find that at again with someone else at 45."

Is that really true in the same way it might have been a few decades ago when there weren't as many divorces? Why couldn't you find someone else?