Page 9 | How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

Justhere65 · 03/03/2025 23:01

I don’t think it sounds miserable. I guess you ask yourself ‘am I happy? Is he happy and are the children happy?’ Change things if any of you are really unhappy but I believe that living calmly and peacefully together in a lovely home bringing up your family is a good thing to do. I personally wouldn’t risk that just for sex with another person.
Who knows whether one of you might fall in love with another person? That could happen to any of us at any time. Do what you feel is right.

YourFairCyanReader · 03/03/2025 23:03

JustLikeJasper · 03/03/2025 20:16

@YourFairCyanReader thank you for replying, it can't be easy at all not being around your children all the time. How have they coped? My DS is only 6 and I think he would take it really badly. I do have a good job we earn roughly the same (me a bit higher some months) but looking at places to rent the other night I was gobsmacked at how expensive a crappy 2 bed flat is, like £500 a month more than my current mortgage on a 3 bed with open countryside views. Very depressing!

My children are pretty much grown up now. They're absolutely fine, thriving, good relationships with both parents. It was very hard and it slowly got easier. The guilt has lessened over the years as I've seen they are ok.

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/03/2025 23:36

I'm a bit younger than you (just turned 40) and my relationship is like this and has been since COVID.
We sleep separately due to partners snoring and completely different body clocks. We have one child.
We've been together 12 and a half years and 8 years ago I wouldn't have believed what we are like now as we were all over each other... now we don't have sex more than once every couple of months.
Are you happy? Does one of you want more?
The difference for me here is that my partner really annoys me and there's some things in the past I can't forgive him for. We argue a lot. It's sad really.
However it doesn't have to be!
If you are both happy and have a great friendship and still like each other that's different.

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/03/2025 23:54

Ohapal · 02/03/2025 21:27

I think you should sort this out. I would get back into the same bed. I am post meno with disrupted sleep and DH snores and farts. We still sleep in a super king.

If you are only 45, he is plenty young enough to get another woman very, very easily. He’s young enough to be attractive, but old enough to have a bit of power/status/money in comparison to someone younger. Men of that age often get with women in their late 20s.

Have you spoken about it? Do you want to sort it out? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I wonder how much regret there would be if you found out he was with someone else.

Well this is clearly bollocks!

Why are these men gods gift all of a sudden?!
I'd like to meet the 20 something year old who would have an affair with and steal my partner, truly.
I'd give her a medal actually.

(Apologies for hijacking thread).

WaspyV · 04/03/2025 06:11

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

I am in exactly same situation been like this for 8 years now ! Can’t use PM as netmums have disabled at the moment for everyone but happy to give you my email or Facebook msg if you wanted to chat

WaspyV · 04/03/2025 06:13

I am in same situation been like this 8 years ! Can’t pm as netmums have disabled for everyone but happy to give email or Facebook msg if you wanted to chat x

Orangesinthebag · 04/03/2025 07:34

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/03/2025 23:54

Well this is clearly bollocks!

Why are these men gods gift all of a sudden?!
I'd like to meet the 20 something year old who would have an affair with and steal my partner, truly.
I'd give her a medal actually.

(Apologies for hijacking thread).

Show quote history

It's not bollocks at all but the age is exaggerated.
A man of 45 could easily attract a woman ten or so years younger than him. Much more easily than a woman could.

You see and hear about it all the time on these boards as well as seeing it irl. Many of them go on to have a second family too and are suddenly father of the year second time round.

You are naive if you think it doesn't happen. Seems all a middle aged man needs to do is grow a beard to suddenly become attractive to younger women...

Donsyb · 04/03/2025 11:46

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 19:17

It would obviously be great to have someone love me for me and to have fun with and be close to. I just don't think that's Dh anymore. Statistically am also unlikely to find that at again with someone else at 45. Arent my my options mainly to stay in this relationship that makes my day to day life easier or be a struggling single mum. Quite possibly I will be on my own by the time I hit 60 in both scenarios.

I know plenty of people who have met new partners later on. My dad met his partner when they were both in their 60s.

Elphamouche · 04/03/2025 17:18

I think that’s really sad. It’s not a marriage anymore.

Disturbia81 · 04/03/2025 17:44

@Orangesinthebag Older women get younger men chasing them FAR more than older men younger women.

Orangesinthebag · 04/03/2025 17:47

Disturbia81 · 04/03/2025 17:44

@Orangesinthebag Older women get younger men chasing them FAR more than older men younger women.

Ok.
That's not my experience and not what I have seen on these boards but great if that is the case.

Livi85 · 04/03/2025 19:02

I literally could have written this post. The only difference is me and husband still share a bed. I used to have a high sex drive but husband would be happy with having sex once a month!! But as we have got older I’m not interested in having sex (with him) anymore, it feels strange and I think we have passed it now. I dread the once every blue moon that he fancies his chances!! We did go through a stage of arguing a lot but I’m just not bothered anymore. I can’t afford to leave so I have just succumbed to having to spend my life like this. We have a teenage daughter and a 7 year old. I think by the time my 7 year old is a teenager we may have gone our separate ways. We just have different lives now.
unfortunately for us we put our personal friendships aside and spent 100% of our time together with the family so neither of us have any friends now only acquaintances. This is fine for me as I have so many hobbies I would always be busy but I think my husband would be very lonely. We definitely have a more brother/sister relationship now. He is happy or he may not be but he cannot stand change and would go on for the rest of his life like this. Whereas I really don’t want to and I’m starting to panic that as I’m getting older my chances of finding someone else is getting smaller and smaller.
I definitely cannot do anything now though as we simply cannot afford to live separately

so I feel your pain and can only send a virtual hug 🤗

Disturbia81 · 04/03/2025 20:02

@Orangesinthebag It's all over these boards if you look at the dating threads.

Wenway93 · 04/03/2025 22:42

Livi85 · 04/03/2025 19:02

I literally could have written this post. The only difference is me and husband still share a bed. I used to have a high sex drive but husband would be happy with having sex once a month!! But as we have got older I’m not interested in having sex (with him) anymore, it feels strange and I think we have passed it now. I dread the once every blue moon that he fancies his chances!! We did go through a stage of arguing a lot but I’m just not bothered anymore. I can’t afford to leave so I have just succumbed to having to spend my life like this. We have a teenage daughter and a 7 year old. I think by the time my 7 year old is a teenager we may have gone our separate ways. We just have different lives now.
unfortunately for us we put our personal friendships aside and spent 100% of our time together with the family so neither of us have any friends now only acquaintances. This is fine for me as I have so many hobbies I would always be busy but I think my husband would be very lonely. We definitely have a more brother/sister relationship now. He is happy or he may not be but he cannot stand change and would go on for the rest of his life like this. Whereas I really don’t want to and I’m starting to panic that as I’m getting older my chances of finding someone else is getting smaller and smaller.
I definitely cannot do anything now though as we simply cannot afford to live separately

so I feel your pain and can only send a virtual hug 🤗

I’m pretty much the same as OP as well. We are older mid 50’s. DH does shift work so last year when our DS moved out and gave us a spare room he decided to sleep there as I stay awake late and disturb him when he has to get up early. He was reluctant to do it as he said he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do but I just said to do what’s right for you and not what people think. We haven't had sex for many years and actually live like friends and I have wondered why we stay together but cannot afford to separate we are both happy enough. We have been married over 30 years

KimberleyClark · 05/03/2025 10:11

Disturbia81 · 04/03/2025 17:44

@Orangesinthebag Older women get younger men chasing them FAR more than older men younger women.

Probably because they think older women are likely to have assets - own home etc.

Disturbia81 · 05/03/2025 13:13

@KimberleyClark So similar thinking to young women then. Plus confidence, sexual experience, looks etc.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 06/03/2025 09:08

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

OP
You don't mention anywhere how you actually feel about the situation?
Some feeling, possibly negative, drove you to post this- what is it? Emptiness? Loneliness? Puzzlement? Loss? Did you get married with the aim of ending up living this way?

PineConeOrDogPoo · 06/03/2025 09:12

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 19:17

It would obviously be great to have someone love me for me and to have fun with and be close to. I just don't think that's Dh anymore. Statistically am also unlikely to find that at again with someone else at 45. Arent my my options mainly to stay in this relationship that makes my day to day life easier or be a struggling single mum. Quite possibly I will be on my own by the time I hit 60 in both scenarios.

Maybe examine your own statement "I just don't think that's DH anymore ". Why not, if it once was? What/who has changed? Your behaviour? His behaviour? We feel as a result of our perceptions. If you feel anxious, for example, then it is because you having an anxious thought or perceiving an anxiety-inducing situation. What are you thinking and perceiving? And what feelings result?

Discsareshit · 08/03/2025 11:10

Disturbia81 · 04/03/2025 17:44

@Orangesinthebag Older women get younger men chasing them FAR more than older men younger women.

Source for this assertion?

Original poster

Ncphjwneu · 08/03/2025 11:21

Am sure DH could find someone younger and better. I guess for me thr ongoing dilemma is is the status quo when we are at least able to afford the mortgage and ferry the kids around good enough for as long as it lasts.

OP posts:

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 12:37

Discsareshit · 08/03/2025 11:10

Source for this assertion?

Show quote history

I think it means men are happy to have sex with older women and older women get propositioned for sex on apps etc all.the time.

But I was talking about having a proper relationship.
In those circumstances, I still think it's easier for a solvent older man to bag a willing younger woman than the other way round.

Discsareshit · 08/03/2025 13:48

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 12:37

I think it means men are happy to have sex with older women and older women get propositioned for sex on apps etc all.the time.

But I was talking about having a proper relationship.
In those circumstances, I still think it's easier for a solvent older man to bag a willing younger woman than the other way round.

Show quote history

Of course.

Showerisnownteresting · 08/03/2025 20:07

Ncphjwneu · 08/03/2025 11:21

Am sure DH could find someone younger and better. I guess for me thr ongoing dilemma is is the status quo when we are at least able to afford the mortgage and ferry the kids around good enough for as long as it lasts.

He can find someone younger and better? Younger ok, we can't turn back time. Better? Than what? You? Why would you think there is someone "better" than you? You could also find someone younger/older/better than him. Things will not change until you have a little respect got yourself.

Disturbia81 · 09/03/2025 10:01

Discsareshit · 08/03/2025 11:10

Source for this assertion?

Show quote history

Mine, my friends, my female family members experiences, reading on dating threads on different forums, talking to male friends. Celebrities don’t count as they have money so both older men and women of course attract everyone.

FoxMyz · 09/03/2025 10:33

It also depends on what marriage means to you. I can't imagine living in separate bedrooms and living separate lives in marriage. You don't marry someone to do that.
This is probably an unpopular opinion but 8 years "not really having sex"? Do you have an open relationship? I know I have trust issues and that's on me but I'd never trust that a man is not having sex outside of the house for this long.
You have one life. I'm currently going through a divorce we can't really afford either, but in the end there's this exciting opportunity to be happy again. But, as everyone said - if it works for you, who cares what anyone else thinks. Just be real and truthful with yourself - does it really work?