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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

225 replies

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 10:01

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 02/03/2025 15:13

I’d be pretty miserable like that and I’d be really gutted if the only reason DH stayed was because we couldn’t afford to run two houses… but if it’s working for you, it’s fine. As someone else said, my concern would be that one of you does meet someone that they’d rather put some effort into… but there’s risks to everything, I guess.

yeesh · 02/03/2025 15:14

It sounds really sad & quite lonely

Ferrazzuoli · 02/03/2025 15:15

DH and I are a few years older than you and have been together for 28 years. We have teen DC, busy jobs and ageing parents. I think it's fairly normal for your sex life to dwindle (ours certainly has), but we are still affectionate and enjoy chatting to each other (not just about the kids/house). We sometimes socialise together and sometimes separately. We have our own hobbies but also enjoy spending time together. It's about finding a balance that works for both of you. Maybe try finding a bit more "couple time" in the evenings?

Also @Ncphjwneu, I know this isn't the main point of the thread, but speaking as a fellow sufferer from perimenopausal insomnia, I would really advise you to try not to spend 3-5am scrolling on your phone. My sleep is much better now that I leave my phone downstairs and find other ways of going back to sleep (eg reading a book or listening to a podcast).

Doingmybestbut · 02/03/2025 15:16

ICanTellYouMissMe · 02/03/2025 10:07

We're pretty similar, and what I've found now is that, even when I want to find my way back, it feels awkward and I'm not sure it's possible.

I'm fairly close to looking outside my marriage tbh, or sort of already have.

It's not who I wanted to be but the kids...

Out of interest, are you male or female?

RosesAndHellebores · 02/03/2025 15:16

I think there was a period of our marriage from when ds was 8 to 18 and two children always had to be places in opposite directions, we were both working full-time and our world seemed to be the business of team family. However, we always shared a bed and even when at least one of us was so tired our closed before our head touched the pillow, we still snuggled together and every night dh's last words were I love you and his first in the morning were the same. I moved into the nursery for six to eight weeks when both children were born and by six weeks, DH wanted me back in our room.

We have been together for 35 years. I would say the heavy lifting years allows rifts to arise and yiu have to work at it to keep them closed. I suppose it depends how much couples want to.

itsgoodtobehome · 02/03/2025 15:23

Me and DH have been married for 15 years and our marriage is nothing like this. We hang out together, sleep together and enjoy each other's company. We also have a fairly young child (12) but we don't use that as an excuse for being too busy for each other

Disturbia81 · 02/03/2025 15:29

@Doingmybestbut Why does that matter?

allstarsuperstar · 02/03/2025 15:29

Sounds like a miserable way to spend your limited time on this earth.

Planetmonster · 02/03/2025 15:34

what does it matter if it unusual or usual? Sounds like a half life to me.

can you both work to get closer to each other again? It’s not going to happen by accident. And your DH also needs to commit to it.

married here 20+ years, 2 DC and we just had a very naughty night away. It was bliss, amazing sex with someone you totally trust.

Whoonearthareyou · 02/03/2025 15:36

Why don't you do something about it, out of curiousity? Hire a babysitter and try going out for dinner or take a day off together when the kids are in childcare for example. Sounds like you have given up without actually trying.

sweetpickle2 · 02/03/2025 15:36

I don’t think it’s uncommon, but it wouldn’t be for me as I wouldn’t see the point in a relationship like that- I’d rather be alone.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/03/2025 15:50

Who is it that doesn’t want sex?
Had it ever been spoken about ?

QuartzIlikeit · 02/03/2025 15:51

It's not what my life is like & I'd be very sad if it was but as long as you are both happy that's all that matters.

We've been together 22 years, 2 adult DC, 1 much younger. I'd be devastated to not share a bed every night and although life is busy and we don't often have much time to ourselves, we are still best friends who enjoy each other's company & still enjoy sex. I still fancy him & vice versa.

Can you see yourself still living life this in 10 years time and being truly happy? What about when it's just the 2 of you? How would you feel about going away for a 2 week holiday just you 2? If any of that fills you with dread then you probably shouldn't remain together & married.

Life is for living & if you're happy then that's great, but if you're not then it might be time to make some changes.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/03/2025 15:52

It might be quite common but then so is divorce. What you lack is not only sex or even a shared bed but intimacy. Your old ways of being close to each other have gone. No friends in commnon, no fun in common. Once the shared goal of raising the children is done what will you have left? If you don't both find other ways to stay close to each other then sooner or later one or other of you is going to realise that you don't have much that matters in common any more and it would be easier to find intimacy elsewhere than to re-kindle things with each other. It takes work to keep a marriage satisfying for a few decades. It sounds as if it's starting to wear a bit thin for you already.

Totototo · 02/03/2025 16:07

What do you mean don’t really have sex? Do you don’t you?

I’ve never not shared a room and bed with my DH sometimes on holiday if the beds are small doubles we will have different rooms because we are use to an extra large super king size one at home.

It doesn’t matter what everyone else does are you happy? Fulfilled?

Waffle19 · 02/03/2025 16:26

We have a similar set up. Kids are only 1 and 4 so I’m hoping it’s just a phase but maybe not….

Nothanksiwillwalk · 02/03/2025 16:27

I've been with my husband for 20+ years. We had 3 children in 5 years, full time careers and a house renovation - life has been busy. However, we have always shared a bed and created intimacy in our relationship.

The children are now late teens, work is crazy and I am menopausal. Tbh my libido has dropped and I could be happy having sex once a month atm but for dh, it is really important. Not in a porn way but for intimacy and connection, so I do make an effort and it's always enjoyable. It's like going for a run, you can't be bothered to go but really enjoy it when you are out and feel great afterwards!

I have a friend who hasn't had sex with her partner for years and they sleep in seperate beds, he now spends all his time in work. It all sounds a bit depressing.

A male friend who is single once told me that women hug and are tactile to each other all the time. He really craved a hug/skin touching skin such as someone leaning into him - men just don't do this.

If you are craving intimacy and affection and someone outside the marriage seems happy to provide this to them - your chances of a broken marriage I think would be high.

Fishsealife · 02/03/2025 16:34

I haven't read all the posts, but I think there has to be a distinction made between not sharing a bed and not having sex. I have had chronic insomnia for years, coupled with DH's very light sleeping/snoring. We don't share a room but we have sex regularly, we are very affectionate still, talk just us about us stuff (not kid stuff), go out and do stuff together and separartely, as well as family stuff.

My point is, I guess, isn't how your relationship stacks up against anyone else's in terms of the arrangement. But how it feels to you and whether you want to be in or not.

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 02/03/2025 16:43

I have a couple of friends who live like this. Been married for 20+ years, children grown up or at Uni, their relationship has developed to be more like close friends or brother/sister relationship. Both friends say that they are happy with the way that it is - especially now both of them menopausal, experiencing night sweats & not at all interested in sex. BUT I've only spoken to the wives & wonder what the husband's perspective is on this?

My XH & me slept in separate rooms - his choice. He cited his snoring as a potential issue for me & suggested that he visit my room for sex & leave once I fell asleep. This made me feel like a prostitute and so we didn't have sex. No imtimacy, no kisses, no hugs. I felt like his housekeeper & eventually left him.

My DH & me have separate houses - he lives opposite me. We met about 5 years ago (when I moved in) & have been married for 3 years. However, although we are both of 'mature' years (I'm in my 60's he's in his 70's) we have an active sex life (best I've ever had 🙄) and we would never consider spending the night apart. Whether we sleep at his or mine, we always spend the night in the same bed. We both snore, but a nasal spray helps with that - possibly DH's increasing deafness helps him with my snoring(!) Sometimes snoring wakes us up & we have a...well...y'now...a bit of a good time in the middle of the night which helps both of us go back to sleep. 😉

Ritzybitzy · 02/03/2025 16:48

it doesn’t sound unusual as such but you don’t seem remotely interested in him or have any feelings at all. That would concern me.

Praying4Peace · 02/03/2025 17:02

Ncphjwneu · 02/03/2025 11:02

We would definitely not have predicted this set up when we first got together. We used to work together and have a shared practice, didn't have kids till late 30s and things were great. But by now, Dh changed sectors, kids and house takes up all our bandwidth. We also certainly don't feel the dame way about each other. Not that we have enough cash for two houses in London and the kids love us both.

I know alot of people who are in similar situations to this; seems fine to me.
For people who are thinking of finding someone else, be careful what you wish for!

DustyLee123 · 02/03/2025 17:05

I’ve hit peri age, and that’s when I could no longer put up with his snoring, so we have separate rooms. He never tried to do anything about it, so I assume he’s happy!

KimberleyClark · 02/03/2025 17:06

Thos sounds rather sad and empty. DH and I have been married 35 years and are still very much romantic and sexual partners. No children though.

AgathaAllAlong · 02/03/2025 17:06

My marriage is exactly like this. I'm in my early 30s and don't see this relationship as lasting my lifetime. I expect we'll break up when DC are grown. If I had my time again, I'd not ignore the warning signs and I'd have found someone else to have my family with. Now I'm in this situation though, I'd much rather someone essentially decent who I can share parenting with than to only see my DC every other weekend, and miss half of their holidays. I love my DC, and although I don't love my husband, I don't dislike him either.

I wouldn't leave if I fell for someone else, I wouldn't let anyone get close enough for love and I expect that attraction to others happens even in loving relationships. If he fell in love with someone else and left, it would be a relief. I wouldn't throw away our family life for nothing, but it would be different if one of us was getting something significant out of it, like another chance at love.

My parents had the same relationship and they've still together in their 70s, so you never know. They must be getting something out of it.

Dollydaydream100 · 02/03/2025 17:09

I don't know anyone who lives like that so I'd say pretty usual, but then again they may just not talk about it. Pretty sure in my friendship group of 8 friends none of them are like that though as we share everything and all seem pretty happy in our relationships.