How unusual is DH and I's relationship?

[Ncphjwneu]

Dh and I have been together for twenty years and are in our mid40s. Got a couple of kids, house, jobs the usual. It's our DDs birthday today and we spent the morning sorting out prep for the party. However, it dawned on me that by now all that we engage eaxh other one is managing the house, kids and I guess any holidays. We haven't shared a room in over eight years and don't really have sex. Life is obviously busy. I have my friends and hobbies, he has his. We certainly couldnt afford to run two households or split up. But how uncommon is our set up?

The only thing that matters is that it works for both of you. It may be worth a conversation to check in on that and make sure no one is silently resentful or wishing for a change in how you connect/don't connect. It's when one person (or more) is silently unhappy that bigger issues arise and the partner who thought it wasn't an issue, is often left feeling blindsided. In fact, they hadn't communicated about whether this new norm is actually working and/or what needs to change, shift, be acknowledged.

I will say among friends your set up isn't uncommon.

@Doingmybestbut I'm female

Lots of single mums have quite nice lives to be fair. I have a nice house and a fulfilling role at work.

I'm assuming your children are young at the moment? When they get older and need you less I suspect this is when the gaps in your relationship will start to show more.

That's really sad that you think 45 is past having a relationship? I'm having the most fun/love/sex in my mid 40s than ever, it's just beginning.

I don't think that am too old to have a happy relationship as much as I think finding someone is unlikely.

OP, keep an eye on your pension, and if you have any possibility of inheritance, get legal advice to keep it in your name and not invest it in a joint asset like a larger home.

It is unlikely you will retire together so keep investing in friends, sports, activities that will age well like tennis, golf, hillwalking, crafting.

Ensure you both get equal down time too.

That's so commonplace amongst my peers Once youngest off to uni then parents split. Seen over and over again

Have you considered counselling op for you both? Are you just lost and need to reconnect with each other? Whoever you meet will likely have their own issues and children. It won’t be easy from my friend’s experiences.

Heading towards 60, all of your situation but still sharing a bed. No sex for at least 10 years. Occasionally miss it but not much tbh. Probably won’t split and unlikely either of us will meet anyone new. And if we did I wouldn’t be heartbroken - more grief through splitting of assets.

FIL has dementia, not sure I want to be his carer if DH goes same way.

There is a real danger dh and d I could have ended up like this. We're both introverts, with full on jobs. We sleep separately through necessity (snoring).

I make constant efforts to maintain the marriage though. Because I love him, and want to make him happy. And he's the same. So we've both made a conscious effort to maintain rapport and closeness. In my case i try to maintain my sex drive at least to do it once per week. I enjoy it once it's underway, but not gonna lie, it would be easy to let it slip.

I arrange little mini-breaks away in the UK every so often. Nothing expensive, just an Airbnb for a night. It forces us to spend time focused on each other.

I make sure I talk to him when he gets back from work amd vice versa, plus before and after any activities, before bed.

So companionship and sex, basically.

My theory is that unless we do this, one of us will meet someone else whom we have a rapport with, then the excitement of that will break up the marriage. But then after the honeymoon period, it would just end up being a sad end to a great marriage and lifelong friendship. Plus financially ruinous.

This is all sounding very pragmatic, isn't it? But it's romantic too in the effort we put in. I love him to bits.

You have a sister and brother relationship. If you are both happy with it does it really matter if you have sex? I went 10 years without sex because I had a very busy high profile job and I didn’t not miss it at all. You do not need sex to be happy friendship is more important in my opinion. I do have sex now but on my own terms

Your 45 not dead why do you think you could never meet anyone else?
as far as your set up goes I know lots of people who live like this, definitely more so now due to the cost of living. I’m 44 and a single mom, I haven’t met anyone else purely because I look after my kids 24/7 so don’t have the time for someone. I definitely haven’t written myself off though, once my children are a little older I have no doubt I will dip my toe in the water again.

I think this thread just illustrates that many different types of relationship can work. Your situation may not be for everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s not for you. I hate the language that is used, like it’s a failure or wrong to adopt a way of living that may suit you without properly splitting up. As per my previous post my husband is really just a flatmate I share children with. I don’t think this damages the children. I don’t think we are role modelling something awful. I think we are illustrating that different set ups can work for different people and it is a valid choice to stay in your situation until it no longer works for you.

But he could probably find another woman quite easily. I know that sounds harsh but younger women seem to be quite happy to take on an older man.

I would be wary, OP, of assuming your DH is as unbothered as you are by this arrangement and by your sexless marriage.
Try if you can to make changes before it's too late and it becomes too awkward & strange.

Some similarities to our marriage, but we're both happy with that.

It works for us and we have no inclination to go looking for something else.

Earplugs are the answer. My exH and I would have needed separate rooms if not for earplugs.

Never worked for us.

My ex husband and I were like this and chose to divorce. It was very difficult but we were never going to live as husband and wife again, and we didn't even get on as friends any more. Just grew older into different people.

It really annoys me when people say things like, "depends how much you want it", "prepared to put the work in", as if people who divorce are just lazy and flaky. I was physically revolted by my exH and even though he is a decent man and a good father, I still find it difficult to be around him because of all the times I forced myself to share a bed and to have sex, trying to make it work for the kids. I do believe that if there's a chance of salvation, you should keep trying as the alternative is very hard. But if it's gone, it's gone, and you're not failing by accepting that.

@YourFairCyanReader sorry if this is too personal so don't feel like you have to answer but what was the hardest part about splitting up? I am on the verge of leaving but I have absolutely no idea how it would work financially let alone impact on DS. How do you find somewhere else to live as well as paying all the bills on your own when you're so used to splitting everything?

Oh I'm sorry you're going through that. The hardest part and really the only hard bit, was coming to terms with not sleeping under the same roof as my children every night. I am very fortunate that I could be financially independent as I have a good job. Also that exH and I never fell out. I haven't walked into the sunset with a true love, I'm single! But at least I don't dread going home
I hope it goes ok for you

@YourFairCyanReader thank you for replying, it can't be easy at all not being around your children all the time. How have they coped? My DS is only 6 and I think he would take it really badly. I do have a good job we earn roughly the same (me a bit higher some months) but looking at places to rent the other night I was gobsmacked at how expensive a crappy 2 bed flat is, like £500 a month more than my current mortgage on a 3 bed with open countryside views. Very depressing!

Water under the bridge? What do you mean? People were suggesting things, but when op says not love, nor like, that changes things.

"I couldn't imagine not sleeping beside each other. we are different sleepers he a light I am heavy he likes like a light duvet I like a heavy one he gets up early I sleep on. you get used to it and we still get sleep"

@Wexone , try two separate single duvets, one light, one heavy, on the same bed. You can still cuddle up, but each has tailored covers!

Not in mumsnet land - you’re either passionately in love after 20+ years or in a miserable marriage that you need to leave asap. Oh, and everyone is ALWAYS sooooo much happier as a single parent than in a marriage where they don’t want to rip each others clothes off

I have a very similar setup, except we do sleep in the same bed - but that's all it is, sleep. We don't even go to bed at the same times.
We slipped into it because we were just so tired and fed up from our days, all we each wanted to do in the evenings was a bit of piece and quiet on the internet (him) and catching up with work (me). Also, I feel he has changed, he is no longer interested in me, doesn't value my conversation.... and as a result, I have fallen out of love with him. We don't argue (much), we just don't have meaningful conversation. We did argue recently and I told him I feel completely unloved, and that he never says anything nice to me, and all he came back with was 'I said I like our new plates' (because I bought the plates).... which says it all really.

We wouldn't separate as costs/logistics/impact on the children. We have similar values, and are a decent team.
I am not desperately unhappy, but I am sad. Sad I likely won't have sex again (not that I want it, as I don't feel wildly attractive any more and just can't be bothered), sad that it's not what I imagined it would be. But most of all I am sad at the example it sets the children. They can't put their finger on it (as i said, we don't generally argue), but I think they can sense the lack of active love. They can feel there is more love between my parents (in their 80s) than their is between DH and I.
Reading your post made me feel less alone!

@EndlessTreadmill I really really get everything you said ❤️