55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

[Takemebacktowhen]

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

Whatever you decide she's in the wrong job.
Lecturers should never have relationships with students, 18 or not.

Did you say nothing? You could 'warn' her that doing that might be 'taken the wrong way' by her employers and other students/their parents (even though it doesn't sound like it's wrong in fact)

I was too taken aback to say anything. She was totally fan girling over this young lad, it was quite jarring. He know her well enough now to know she would sleep with him if the chance presented itself. I know she has had sex in our work place with someone she was seeing, it was out of hours. I think she regards herself as something like a 60s constantly stoned hippy with an open sexuality in every sense of the word. That’s fine and dandy with me, an 18 year old student is another matter.

I wish she hadn’t told me. And she said it so casually, just as you would say pass the salt or something. Maybe decades of marajuana use has adled her brain a bit. I feel a tiny bit guilty by association.

It has made me see her in a different light. Am I being judgemental, after all, this is nothing to do with me, she is actually senior to me.

You have a duty of care to report this.

If the consensus is that I need to respond to this situation, help me compose how to do it. Bit apprehensive and ill at ease talking about it. It’s almost like accusing her of being a nonce isn’t it.

She sounds weird, creepy, gross and fetishistic.

I would keep my distance.

In my university relationships between staff and students are not permitted.
This came from he aftermath of the me too movement where abuse of power came to light across a variety of higher education settings.

It sounds like this has crossed the line even if she hasn't actually slept with him. I would report it.

I would look into what the rules are regarding reporting (and also if you saying so is enough proof and won’t end up biting you) but regardless I’d keep my distance from her.

I wouldn't talk to her at all. I'd talk to somebody at work, as she's a colleague you can talk to your manager,

Yes, you should report it but watch your own back.

So far it’s only a taxi situation and number given, would that meet the threshold for misconduct? Also they could both deny it.
I don’t normally grass people up, this time I am offended by the massive age gap and power imbalance. An 18 year old boy would be like a lamb to the slaughter, and she is very charming. She had absolutely objectified him in the way she talked about him, as though he was a delicious rare dish to be consumed.

I don’t know why she thought I’d be okay with hearing this, totally batshit bonkers.

I’m realising the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top with her.

Lecturer here. Personally I'd stay out of it. She's having a bit of a fantasy that has yet to cross the line.

Your actions will potentially get her sacked and even if it doesn't, she will know who has reported her and this might make things very uncomfortable for you if she has influence in the department.

Is there a staff code of conduct? What does it say about staff student relationships?

Ours is strict, it specifically mentions not just relationships but connecting on social media, use of personal email or phone numbers, friendship type activity etc. All banned.

The imbalance of power is what makes these relationships unacceptable, even if between consenting adults.

This would meet the criteria for a ‘low level concern’ in my workplace. I do think it should be reported.
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/news/2021/october/responding-low-level-concerns-in-education

I used to work at a uni where it was not at all uncommon for staff and students to be in relationships. One progressed to marriage.

It felt very odd to me as my background was working in the NHS where staff and client relationships were a big no no. However, noone at the uni seemed to bat an eye lid. Most of the staff student relationships were with male staff and female student.

I personally.think this is v wrong, but it may be something about the culture of the uni/college that these boundary violations are considered acceptable. I assume there is a policy of no student staff relationships? 18 is a v consenting adult age but the power dynamic feels.off,.and the undertone of ethnic generalisations feels.v uncomfortable

My dd is year 12 so so 2 years younger than this age boy so boys this age are a little on her radar albeit her male and female friends are her age or a year older / younger. Maybe he is really attractive to her. But he’s a boy. The difference in life experience between 55 and 18 is huge.

If it’s just a fantasy then fine. It’s unlikely he will reciprocate, isn’t it? I couldn’t have imagined sleeping with a 55 year old man when I was that age. I would just keep an eye on it for now tbh. In her head she still thinks she’s 25 or something.

Ugh…she is a black hole. Very charismatic and love bombs everyone and sucks them into her orbit so when she reveals herself you are compromised and it’s hard to get out without losing something.

If you work at the same educational institution find out the staff code of conduct and check what’s in it. Highlight anything that would demonstrate that her behaviour is putting her (social status) job is at risk. If f the student has a personal tutor maybe flag it up to them.

As a lecturer, do you not feel loke you have a responsibility towards your student rather than look to protect yourself in the first instance?

Are you saying that you would act in the same way if a 55yr old male colleague was talking of an 18 yr old female student in the same way.

She's almost old enough to be his grandmother. The student is 18 and technically an adult, but he has literally just left school. He isn't a proper adult yet and 18/19 year olds are at risk of being taken advantage of.

I'd be pretty grossed out and report word for word. I'd have no problem losing that "friendship."

It's already crossed the line, in that she has given him her number, called a taxi for the pair of them, and is hoping to essentially take him on a date to an exhibition because she fancies him. (At least that's how I read the OP.)

Hi OP - couple of things:

A) be careful not to give too many specifics - I actually think I may know the person this is about! Though no conclusive proof as yet. Keep it that way - this really isn't the sort of thing you want traced back to you, given what you know and have not acted on so far......

B) definitely report her. If it's the person I think, she does have form as a sexual predator. The lecturer/student power imbalance makes in at an offense for her to have sexual contact with this young man, and rightly so. If you stand by and do nothing now, you are effectively turning a blind eye to sexual abuse. Oh, and yes you are right to feel that the fetishization of ethnic groups is also an exacerbating factor.

The fact that he’s over 18 is irrelevant. She’s in a position of authority. See KCSIE.

What this woman is doing here is inappropriate, but not illegal. She'll find some way of throwing herself under the bus if she escalates it, and yes considering the precariousness of jobs in HE right now I'm happy to fly under the radar on stuff like this.