55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

[Takemebacktowhen]

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

If this is identifying it serves this revolting woman right.

I would, I like to think, state to her that her actions are over the line and that I am going to seek advice on whether they contravene policies that are in place to protect young people. Then I would ask safeguarding/line manager 'what should I do if I am concerned about the way a colleague is behaving with a student?' and then follow their advice. Easier said than done, I know. Bear in mind she might have been reported.or been warned in the past, so your info might add to a picture of concern.

This.
Report immediately.

Very good advice, @GreyAreas .

She's very confused which makes me think she's had no training on this sort of thing, otherwise she'd know the protocol.

If she denies this conversation, what are you going to report? One taxi trip? It's going to go nowhere, is it, other than putting a black mark against you?

I think the students need to be warned. If this happened in my department and I couldn't fire the lecturer, I'd put on safeguarding classes for the students.

Ok so I have just checked my university’s staff/student relationship policy which is freely available on the internet as I’m sure others are.

It literally says the university does not seek to prevent or regulate relationships. Goes on to say it wants to protect students by ensuring there is no violence, coercion, harassment or predatory behaviour.

Says staff must inform their line manager of any relationship if there is potential for a conflict of interest. Staff should not be involved in assessment of any student they’re in a relationship with nor have any pastoral responsibilities for them.

so if this Reader was at my university she’d be fine. 🤷‍♀️.

You need to contact the Designated Safeguarding Lead at the college she works at and report her.

Imagine if a male colleague had said the same about an 18yr old female student?
Not that hard to be apprehensive is it?

That’s the line my teachers took at school, and it fucked up students’s lives. Why is the relationship with your colleague more important that the students’ wellbeing? Why do have to wait until it crosses the line before acting, you won’t even know when/if it does.

From what I saw at school I had zero tolerance of this kind of behaviour from staff at uni, it’s a shame other staff didn’t feel the same.

This is predatory behaviour and he is her student.

This absolutely. You wouldn't hesitate if it was a man.

This is sensible advice

I personally would tell her that her sexual deviance is not acceptable and also illegal and she will likely lose her job and any future prospect of being in education. I would not be friends with her.

Surprised about some comments here, and imagining how different they would be if it was a 55 year old men commenting and booking a taxi to go on a date with a 18 years girl student. It’s creepy behaviour regarding of the gender.

There is a power imbalance in the relationship. He is a kid and her student. I don’t think her behaviour is innocent, she is predating on her students. I would be reviewing conduct policies for your workplace and would definitely distance from her. If she asks tell her why.

Depends on your definition of predatory doesn’t it.

In the gender reverse a 55 year old senior lecture engineering a situation (taxi) to be alone with 18 year old first year student and giving them special treatment (talking to an exhibition) and making it clear to the student they want to sleep with then - all sounds very predatory.

OP report it using your safeguarding processes. If she is as open as you say it is very probable you aren’t the only person she has told so there should be no repercussions. If there are refer to the whistle blowing policy.

Be factual in your report and don’t draw inferences then pass it on further up the chain.

Is it? I’m not saying it doesn’t have the potential to be so but not sure handing out a mobile number and sorting out a taxi/art exhibition as a one off counts as that?

i just asked AI what predatory behaviour in a relationship is and it gave quite a detailed list, none of which i think counts here. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s poor judgement on her part. I think a 55yo woman being interested in an 18yo is pretty gross. But just not sure the university would care. If the 18yo was to make a complaint and say he felt he was being predated on that would be different. OP really need to read her institution’s policy ASAP to see what their actual stance is.

AI says:

Predatory behavior in relationships refers to a pattern of manipulative and controlling actions used by one partner to exploit, harm, or gain power over the other, often involving tactics like isolation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and excessive possessiveness, with the goal of establishing dominance and undermining the victim's self-esteem.

Key characteristics of predatory behavior in relationships:
Love bombing:
An initial intense display of affection and attention to quickly gain trust and dependence from the victim.
Isolation:
Deliberately cutting the victim off from friends and family to increase their reliance on the predator.
Gaslighting:
Distorting reality and making the victim doubt their own perceptions and sanity.
Constant criticism:
Undermining the victim's self-worth through continuous negative comments and belittlement.
Guilt-tripping:
Manipulating the victim into feeling responsible for the predator's negative emotions.
Financial control:
Controlling access to money and finances to exert power over the victim.
Jealousy and possessiveness:
Excessive monitoring and suspicion of the victim's actions and interactions.
Threats and intimidation:

University lecturers shouldn’t be meeting students at weekends or handing out their personal numbers to students. Regardless of the age of the student. As for people saying their lecturers married students and no one batted an eyelid, that is worrying to me. They still have access to vulnerable young people and they should be safeguarded the same as 6th formers.

The whole point of safeguarding is that you can raise a cause for concern.

All you say is exactly her words. Then you are not accusing her of anything.

Trained people take it from there.

And let possible abuse take place? I hope you don't work anywhere with anyone slightly vulnerable.

Whether something meets the threshold or not doesn't need to be your decision. That's for the designated safeguarding lead, who has had appropriate training and experience. You have a concern, report it and let someone else make the call regarding intervention. Then your conscience is clear if something does escalate.

If this was a man you’d be repulsed and want to report him! She’s just as bad and a 55 year old woman being attracted to an 18 year old is bad enough but given she’s the lecturer it’s just creepy! I’d tell her you find it inappropriate and you’d recommend she doesn’t seem him out of a teaching setting. It’s weird and I’d not be able to be associated with her.

Why should she 'watch her own back'?

Saying things like that would stop people reporting.

Do safeguards apply to over 18 year olds in the same way though?

jn the uk we see them as adults and capable of making poor decisions if they want to, unless we deem them ‘vulnerable’ (or whatever the current parlance is) and that’s quite a high bar.

yea it’s icky and creepy but I’m not sure anything has actually happened