55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

[Takemebacktowhen]

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

I have a similar-ish role, although my students are definitely adults (mostly mid 20s). It wouldn’t be out of order for me to arrange to have a coffee with one of them (as one might do with any business acquaintance), but anything more than that would definitely be frowned upon and (rightly) seen as inappropriate. Even if it was on a strictly friendly basis. So your friend is being rather foolish, to put it mildly. That said - if it is just what it is - she’s taken him to see an exhibition, then she’s probably still on the right side of the line, especially when we are talking about another adult. I’d say she’s left herself wide open for her actions to be misinterpreted, though…..

I'm a university lecturer too. I occasionally have to give students my mobile no - usually here we'd be talking postgrad students I'm doing fieldwork with or attending a research meeting or conference so I need to meet them outside the workplace. But it has been undergrad students doing research with me. I'm in STEM and mentor a lot of students doing research. I've given students lifts, and occasionally they've given me lifts. There is no rule against this.

If I heard a colleague talking about a student like this I'd be looking up the policy on staff student relationships and giving her a personal warning. She sounds like she thinks this is acceptable so she's unlikely to complain about you.

By the way I've also warned students (postgrad) about being alone with an overly friendly middle aged male colleague (a visitor, not an employee of my university). If you think she's verging on the physical, you could warn the student as well.

assuming you both work at a uni etc and the student goes there I’d deffo report it to whoever is her line manager senior. It’s wholly inappropriate and the student may already be uncomfortable but not know how to say no, so may have done things she hasn’t told you- the tip of the ice berg so to speak

Plus if she’s told you everything and it’s all innocent she has nothing to worry about, if she’s happy to share it with you and didn’t say it’s a secret then why wouldn’t you pass it on in innocent convo to other colleagues? So either way there’s no harm reporting/passing on what you know

It would be disturbing and weird whatever his ethnicity was...would it be somehow less disturbing if the kid was white?

Personally I agree university staff should keep their relationship with students of any age entirely professional and not cross those boundaries. There is an imbalance of power due to being in a position of authority.

However, the age of majority is 18. University students (apart from in Scotland and maybe some child geniuses!) are adults. These are adult environments. Rules will be different to 6th-form colleges where a majority of students are legally children.

Vulnerable people of any age should be protected, but once we are in the adult world we can’t extend the same age-based protection as for children.

Disturbed by the number of people here suggesting you just stay out of it. It absolutely needs to be reported as a potential abuse of power. I work in FE not HE and as such I'm classed as in loco parentis for my students, who go up to age 19 in some cases. If I were to pursue any kind of unprofessional relationship with a student, including sharing taxis with them or commenting on feeling attraction to them, I'd rightly be struck off as a minimum and could potentially be documented as a sex offender. This has been the case since I started teaching at 22, when I was just 3 years older than some of my oldest students. It shouldn't matter that this is a HE institution. 18 is barely out of school. If it were a 55 year old male behaving this way towards an 18 year old female I have no doubt there'd be more consensus over reporting it.

I don't think they have "Readers" in sixth form colleges.

If she's interested in 18 year olds technically that's not illegal, though personally I find it odd as you do.

However she should clearly not be coming on to a student. Clearly this is inappropriate morally and could cost her job and reputation. I'd say something like wouldn't want to be seen to form a close friendship with a student, it could cost you your job. I may report it depending on what she does.

I agree if she does insist she's sharing a taxi with them I'd report that she has shared a taxi and is considering pursuing an inappropriate relationship with them. As she's my friend I'd want to give her chance to back down first but if she doesn't it should be reported.

Literally the same! Because of resits/level 2 years etc some of my sixth form students are 20 but I certainly don’t see them as fantasy fodder and I’ve never known colleagues to show any sign of attraction or interest in them - in fact we’ve often talked of how ludicrous it seems as they’re so like children in our eyes! I have known someone to be formally investigated and disciplined for comments somewhat less than what’s being reported here. I know the case and the person definitely had no sexual interest in students at all but the way the comments were interpreted left them open to accusations of misconduct under safeguarding rules. An overreactions in some ways but I can also see why the institution acted the way they did.

I’m sorry I can’t take this seriously.

I've just looked up the policy on this at my university. If we feel there is an inappropriate or non consensual relationship or conduct we are supposed to report to line manager, or use anonymous whistle blowing.
This doesn't include sharing phone numbers, or lifts, or going to activities off campus together. We are all adults and these are part of our job.

@daisypetula

Why did you quote the post? You were the second post FFS. We know who you're replying to.

Considering we had faculty couples (around same age)in our department, I don’t think anything would happen. The young man is 18, it is a taxi ride, that’s it so far.

If the lecturer has previously expressed sexual attraction to a student, then these things certainly should be included.

And this is a 55 year old, very senior academic who really should know better. Not a young 20 something junior lecturer.

If she were a man and said the same things about a female student, what would you do about it. Do that.

Really? That’s a shame.

I do think all universities should clamp down on relationships and ban them but until they do it’s going to be very difficult to pull anyone up for having a relationship. Having a policy which bans predatory behaviour with no definition of what constitutes predatory behaviour is pretty stupid. Trying to enforce something which is fairly subjective would be difficult. Hence why a total ban is better.

No but there's an element of her fetishising his ethnicity, I think that's all OP was pointing out - it made her extra uncomfortable and I understand why.

By mentioning it to you she may have been trying to normalise it in her own mind.

Could you say to her 'On reflection, I have been thinking about what you told me and I feel very uncomfortable about it. It is not appropriate'.

@CerealPosterHere

An initial intense display of affection and attention to quickly gain trust and dependence from the victim.

Someone in a position of authority and influence seeking him out, asking for his number and inviting him to events absolutely qualified as an intense display of affection and attention.

The point exactly being this example is not "part of her job". Yes the policies described so far allow a certain amount of personal contact (and relationships) due to the fact it is an all adult environment. But none of them have said it's completely fine for staff to pursue their own students.

A middle aged woman having a fantasy about an 18 yr old isn't the norm .

I'd be reporting the nonce.

Firstly, you don't know that. Secondly, if someone is stupid enough to openly talk about their nasty fantasies they probably should be sacked.
I would let her work know so that she can be warned off. This could prevent her messing up a young man's life.