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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

215 replies

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 04:36

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

OP posts:
Dogsbreath7 · 03/03/2025 19:30

Do you have an independent line manager you could speak to for advice? That way you haven’t pressed the nuclear button and it’s up to LM to figure out how to manage the situation. Even a warning shot that it’s known she has passed on her mobile may be enough of a wake up call.

But let’s be honest this is probably not the first time…. Absolutely female letches should be called out.

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:45

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 04:36

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

Report this before it's another minority slipping through the cracks. Report it to the local education board. She's there to teach education, not sex.

This is disgusting. Sounds like she's grooming him and could ruin his life. She is an Ebaphile.

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Takemebacktowhen · 02/03/2025 10:46

Our university’s code of conduct wouldn’t cover this. I would be reporting, nothing would be done, and I would have exposed myself to a difficult work environment.

She is affiliated in certain ways with the powers that be and has survived several complaints, none were sexual misconduct as far as I know.

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

Toptops · 03/03/2025 20:13

Macron as a student was seduced by his female lecturer. They are still together and they seem to be doing fine

User19876536484 · 03/03/2025 21:02

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

Would the police be interested? They are both adults. The same for the LEA.

It’s a university, not a school.

amigafan2003 · 03/03/2025 21:08

MustWeDoThis · 03/03/2025 19:48

Then you also report this to the LEA, internally, externally, speak to the police and see what advice they can give. If she's caught, she could drag you down with her and tell them you knew. She doesn't appear to have any morals/scruples, so I wouldn't put it past her to also drop you in it. It's almost like she's made you am accessory to sexual misconduct.

LEAs have nothing to do with Universities. Police wont be bothered as there is no illegality.

SallyWD · 03/03/2025 21:16

Jeeekers · 03/03/2025 18:44

I was seeing her “he’s beautiful” as similar to a long term friend who seems to go overboard saying certain minorities are so beautiful all the time (which does seem racist), to show how she’s “not racist” she also does this with less conventionally attractive women and very over weight people. Unfriendly person, she’d be raving they are so kind. Oh, she so beautiful, I’m so drawn to her (not attractive person). Like maybe looking for a debate so she can prove she doesn’t see what you see. I don’t see color, I didn’t notice person didn’t look nice.

She’s done this for years and I think she’s trying to scream out “im so good, color blind. See beauty in everyone”
She really just draws your eye to the person who you might not notice & it’s very awkward. Friend group just ignores because it’s so awkward to look at person, and be expected to agree.

If this were my friend, she would be parading this boy to show —- look at me, I’m cool and not racist. I have young black friends. I’m so interesting (and not seeking anything else)

But the friend has explicitly said she's extremely attracted to people from his ethnic minority. That's different. Plenty of people have a real attraction to people of a certain race.

Patterncarmen · 03/03/2025 23:06

User19876536484 · 03/03/2025 21:02

Would the police be interested? They are both adults. The same for the LEA.

It’s a university, not a school.

Yes. If the student is 18, I’m not sure a lot can be done with the situation how it is. Taking a student to an exhibit in a taxi isn’t actionable. The comments she made are not morally great, but legally there is no breach. Now, if the student felt sexually harassed, that is a different thing, but we don’t know that is the case.

Mere1 · 04/03/2025 08:19

HelmholtzWatson · 02/03/2025 05:26

Lecturer here. Personally I'd stay out of it. She's having a bit of a fantasy that has yet to cross the line.

Your actions will potentially get her sacked and even if it doesn't, she will know who has reported her and this might make things very uncomfortable for you if she has influence in the department.

Agreed

ThatOtherAustenSister · 04/03/2025 08:41

I doubt the OP will report her friend and colleague because she's too afraid to even bring up the topic with her , as in a 'friend having a word'- let alone risk the fall out of making a formal complaint.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:54

Expletive · 03/03/2025 00:26

Under any circumstances?

What if you were supervising a group of students at an overseas event, for example? What means of communication would you use?

I am part of a research group in including grad students who I'm not really counting as I generally treat them as faculty in every respect. Yes we use a group whatsapp for oversees conferences, but this is purely for organising social events such as where we are going for lunch/dinner/drinks.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:55

BugsyMaroon · 02/03/2025 09:05

Would you say that if the lecturer was a man and the potential grooming victim a girl?

Yes.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:56

butterpuffed · 02/03/2025 08:40

A middle aged woman having a fantasy about an 18 yr old isn't the norm .

I didn't say it was.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:57

Mirabai · 02/03/2025 08:02

That’s the line my teachers took at school, and it fucked up students’s lives. Why is the relationship with your colleague more important that the students’ wellbeing? Why do have to wait until it crosses the line before acting, you won’t even know when/if it does.

From what I saw at school I had zero tolerance of this kind of behaviour from staff at uni, it’s a shame other staff didn’t feel the same.

School =/= university.

MaryGreenhill · 04/03/2025 09:01

Your discomfort in this situation is entirely understandable, as it touches on complex ethical, professional, and potentially legal considerations. The scenario you described involves a lecturer forming a close and potentially inappropriate relationship with an 18-year-old student. While the student is legally an adult, the lecturer-student dynamic introduces a significant power imbalance. Lecturers hold a position of authority, influence, and responsibility over their students, which makes maintaining clear professional boundaries essential. Most educational institutions have strict policies regarding relationships between staff and students to prevent conflicts of interest, exploitation, or harm. These policies often extend beyond legal adulthood and focus on maintaining a safe an professional learning environment.
There are also safeguarding concerns to consider. Although safeguarding principles are often associated with minors, they can also apply to vulnerable adults. In this context, vulnerability does not solely depend on age but can also relate to the specific circumstances of the student, including the power dynamics of the educational setting. If the lecturer’s actions could be seen as grooming or as creating an environment where a student feels pressured or uncomfortable, this could raise serious safeguarding issues.
The lecturer's comment about being "hugely attracted to" the student's minority status introduces additional layers of concern. Fetishisation of an individual's ethnicity can be deeply problematic and may intersect with issues of equality and anti-discrimination. In professional and educational settings, institutions often uphold equality and diversity standards that not only prohibit discrimination but also discourage behaviour that objectifies or dehumanises individuals based on their race, ethnicity, or other protected characteristics. Such comments may not only be inappropriate but could also potentially violate institutional policies or codes of conduct designed to create an inclusive and respectful environment for all students.
From a legal perspective, while the described situation may not necessarily breach criminal law if the student is of legal age, it could still lead to professional or institutional consequences. Many educational institutions have clear protocols that outline acceptable and unacceptable conduct between staff and students. If the lecturer's behaviour were reported, it could trigger an investigation and potentially lead to disciplinary action. Furthermore, if the conduct were perceived as grooming or as contributing to an unsafe learning environment, there could be broader ramifications, particularly if the student felt uncomfortable or coerced.
In terms of what you should do, this situation requires careful consideration. One option is to document the conversation privately, noting the details of what was said, including dates and the specific language used. Keeping an accurate record could be important if the situation escalates or if you are asked to provide information in the future. You could also consult the relevant policies and guidelines of the educational institution if you have access to them, to better understand what is considered appropriate conduct and what steps might be expected of you.
You might consider seeking advice from a professional body, a union, or a safeguarding organisation. Many of these organisations offer confidential advice and can guide you through potential next steps without necessarily escalating the situation prematurely. This could help you clarify whether the situation warrants formal reporting or if there are other ways to address your concerns.
If you decide not to report the situation formally, it may still be wise to set clear boundaries with your colleague. You could express your discomfort directly, stating that you do not feel comfortable discussing these matters further. This could help preserve your own boundaries while signalling to your colleague that her comments were not appropriate.
Ultimately, the decision to take further action depends on your assessment of the risk and your level of concern. If you believe that the student's welfare might be at risk or that the lecturer's behaviour could lead to harm, reporting the situation to a designated safeguarding officer, the human resources department, or another appropriate authority could be the right course of action. However, if you believe this situation is more a matter of poor judgment than potential harm, setting boundaries and distancing yourself from the conversation may suffice.

Expletive · 04/03/2025 10:01

Laura95167 · 03/03/2025 18:07

I'd report this to the educational institution.

It's illegal if the young person is 16-18, but a lot of institutions would have it against the employments T&Cs to have this kind of a relationship with a current student.

But yes. It all sounds very distasteful, and concerning

It’s hardly a relationship. Two adults sharing a taxi, not a bed!

In any case, unless I have missed something, there is no evidence that this is anything other than a middle aged woman’s one sided fantasy.

She was an idiot to share it.

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:02

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 08:57

School =/= university.

Sexual harassment at uni or workplace is no more acceptable than it is at school and can get you fired.

If read my post more carefully you’d note my point was that because of my experience at school I had zero tolerance at uni.

Back in the 90s unis were RIFE with sexual harassment of students and staff with sex offences were routinely ignored, minimised or covered up. There were arrogant academics totally abusing their power. #Metoo has brought changes in policies reporting, support etc. But there’s still a long way to go.

If more women took a stand against this kind of behaviour wherever it occurs, including in women, there would be less of it all round.

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:05

@MaryGreenhill Good post.

worstofbothworlds · 04/03/2025 10:11

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:05

@MaryGreenhill Good post.

I think you should thank ChatGPT.

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:12

worstofbothworlds · 04/03/2025 10:11

I think you should thank ChatGPT.

Yep.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2025 12:12

Springishere2025 · 02/03/2025 07:37

Why do you give them your number? Why can't they email you? I'd say this is a grey area and I wouldn't do this.

They are all adults. My evening class has a WhatsApp group. Email wouldn't work for urgent messages like a cancellation on the day.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2025 12:19

AtomicBlondeRose · 02/03/2025 08:26

Literally the same! Because of resits/level 2 years etc some of my sixth form students are 20 but I certainly don’t see them as fantasy fodder and I’ve never known colleagues to show any sign of attraction or interest in them - in fact we’ve often talked of how ludicrous it seems as they’re so like children in our eyes! I have known someone to be formally investigated and disciplined for comments somewhat less than what’s being reported here. I know the case and the person definitely had no sexual interest in students at all but the way the comments were interpreted left them open to accusations of misconduct under safeguarding rules. An overreactions in some ways but I can also see why the institution acted the way they did.

Yes, but at school even adults are treated as children sometimes eg we needed parental permission for excursions even at 18 and information about us could be sent to our parents. University students are usually treated as adults.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2025 12:21

Ilovecakey · 02/03/2025 09:28

Surely no 18 year old would have sex with a 55 year old woman?!

Young male students sometimes dallied with older women when I was a student. Never serious relationships.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/03/2025 12:26

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:02

Sexual harassment at uni or workplace is no more acceptable than it is at school and can get you fired.

If read my post more carefully you’d note my point was that because of my experience at school I had zero tolerance at uni.

Back in the 90s unis were RIFE with sexual harassment of students and staff with sex offences were routinely ignored, minimised or covered up. There were arrogant academics totally abusing their power. #Metoo has brought changes in policies reporting, support etc. But there’s still a long way to go.

If more women took a stand against this kind of behaviour wherever it occurs, including in women, there would be less of it all round.

Is asking someone out once harassment??
Even if that person is your younger student...

HelmholtzWatson · 04/03/2025 12:29

Mirabai · 04/03/2025 10:02

Sexual harassment at uni or workplace is no more acceptable than it is at school and can get you fired.

If read my post more carefully you’d note my point was that because of my experience at school I had zero tolerance at uni.

Back in the 90s unis were RIFE with sexual harassment of students and staff with sex offences were routinely ignored, minimised or covered up. There were arrogant academics totally abusing their power. #Metoo has brought changes in policies reporting, support etc. But there’s still a long way to go.

If more women took a stand against this kind of behaviour wherever it occurs, including in women, there would be less of it all round.

The woman has told her colleague she fancies him, which isn’t sexual harassment.