55 year old female Reader interested in teenage boys

[Takemebacktowhen]

My colleague and I have become quite close and spend a lot of weekends together. She has confided in my about a lot of things.

She is a lecturer to some teenage students. Today she apparently called a taxi for herself and an 18 year old student. She said she had given him her number and would like to take him to an exhibition. She described this young lad as exquisitely beautiful, that he is an ethnic minority that she is hugely attracted to.

I found this confession uncomfortable. It’s inappropriate isn’t it. The fetishisation of a minority was very unpleasant as well.

How would you take something like that. Should I just keep my beak out and mind my own bloody business.

It’s not yet but it’s already inappropriate enough particularly in view of the racial fetishisation - it’s clear this colleague does not have good boundaries… OP is rightly concerned about the implications of where this lead.

And by the way sexual abuse and harassment happened in my school because the mainly female teachers took your line - it didn’t seem to cross a boundary on the surface so they don’t bother thinking about or dealing with what was going on behind closed doors.

It’s not yet but that’s where this could end up - perving over him is completely inappropriate. He may be oblivious to the reason for the attention, or he may feel flattered and overwhelmed… none of this is good.

Don’t target a student for attention because you fancy them, full stop.

I know it's not illegal but it does seem very unsavoury. If my DD was 18 and at university, I'd be repulsed to hear that a Professor in his mid-50s was letching over her, particularly because he had a thing for women from her ethnic group. If I found out he'd asked her out, I'd feel very uncomfortable about it.
I think it's extremely unprofessional and unethical too.

Sure, morally it isn't right. It isn't good to target students. I never did.

But until that line is crossed, legally there is no case. It is a taxi ride to an exhibit, and some hearsay at this point. If the student, who is an adult, felt harrassed, that's different.

Perhaps barking up the wrong tree, but i smell a rat here...

Is this genuine, or perhaps you have another agenda OP?

Curious grammatical choices... Methinks you protest too much. Not to mention another member on here claiming to recognise who you're referring to...

Think upon it people.

Has she asked him out even once? She is attending an exhibition with a student and has booked a taxi to get there.

I have attended exhibitions, off-campus meetings and conferences with students and driven them there in my own car.

Why though?
What if the student were a mature student the same age as the lecturer?
Wouldn't it then be appropriate just to take yourself away from awarding their final grades as seems to be the policy in some unis?
Why go on about harassment when there isn't any?

I think from the 'reader's intentions we can consider the exhibition a potential date, but even so, there is no harassment as far as we know.

If he is her student, that's a Safeguarding/Malpractice issue. If he isn't then she's free to do what she likes whether you (and the rest of the world) like it or not.

And there's nothing wrong with fancying a certain "type" of guy.

@Gwenhwyfar

I don’t know if this is naive or disingenuous. We’re not here because colleague is simply going to a gallery, she’s given him her number, invited him out, and made it clear she finds him sexually attractive.

If this was a 50something male prof targeting an 18 yr DD of a MNer the responses would be completely different.

I would have to make my concerns known, in some shape or form. It’s not for you to investigate if it’s misconduct, just say what you’ve heard/seen. If you’re worried about repercussions, then even an anonymous letter to report what you’ve seen/heard would be better than nothing. Just give enough detail so they can check out the facts themselves. Be a reporter not an investigator.

I had a similar experience when I was 18/19 but mine was with my manager in his late 30s in a separate university research unit.If he were to tell his story, it would be about feelings that he acted upon. My story would be about fear (from his actions and how I would be treated if I ‘talked’ as he was well connected) and ducking from constant manipulation. It started with engineered meetings and trips alone, then came being cornered for a kiss, cheques sent to my home address ‘to help my financial situation’. It very quickly escalated. Other people saw what he was up to and dismissed it as a foolish crush. Be the person that report this please.

Yes, but asking someone out once still isn't harassment, is it? It would have to be many times.
I can see that there is a power issue and that it may be against uni policy (just like some workplaces don't allow relationships between staff of different grades), but I can't see 'harassment'.

The power issue is at the heart of this though. If you refuse a trip or more, what would be the implications of rejection. If she is being that open , he probably understands how she sees him. Even if she is not his lecturer …she probably knows people who can make a positive of negative difference to his aspirations.
It’s a bit sad for a 50 something woman to be lusting after a teenager … but the power element brings something else …potential manipulation and a teenager potentially being too worried about the implications if they refuse.
Yes, you say - oh it’s just a trip! …but it’s the dialogue which surrounded this. If you feel uncomfortable, there’s usually something to feel uncomfortable about!
How would you feel if this was your son or daughter?

I don't have a son or daughter so I suppose that might be why I can't get worked up about it. Yes, there's a power imbalance just like a boss and an underling in an office, but that doesn't make it a 'safeguarding issue' as if we were talking about children.

When I was at uni, two of my friends went out with their lecturers. The only potential issue was their final marks.

And what if your two friends didn’t want their advances, would the power they hold make them feel compromised?
I have been in two situations where I have felt compromised because if the men took rejection badly they could potentially have made my professional life very difficult. That’s the point here.
If I reject someone that doesn’t have any power over me, I can act freely…without worrying about the potential impact on my career/study marks etc. I don’t feel compromised. This isn’t the case where there is a power relationship.