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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

208 replies

Sessili · 18/02/2025 11:50

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

OP posts:
Miresquire · 18/02/2025 11:54

Well you could ask (or beg, as you also put it) but I’d be prepared for that to go down like a lead balloon. I highly doubt she’d listen to you and your friendship probably wouldn’t survive.

I would instead try and suggest she might benefit from some therapy, but you’d have to do this very gently.

Porcuporpoise · 18/02/2025 11:55

I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. None of us are bottomless wells.

2024YR4 · 18/02/2025 11:56

You can’t tell her or beg her. She has to realise for herself when it’s time to stop. The only thing you can control is your response level to it.

romdowa · 18/02/2025 11:58

She's obviously not at the stage where she's able to count her blessings. Telling her to do this would be quite cruel but at the same time you don't have to continue to support her either. I supported my friend through 3 rounds of ivf, all which failed and it was Hard . She now struggles with the fact she will never have a child and I've taken a step back slightly as I couldn't continue to hold her up.

Ifitistobesaid · 18/02/2025 11:59

She’s so far down this path now that it’s unlikely she’ll just embrace life as it is and carry on. She’s been through a lot of trauma and probably feels only a second child will bring her closure at this point.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2025 12:01

I would take a step back from friendship. Your not in a place to support her. Ultimately it's her decision

MissUltraViolet · 18/02/2025 12:01

I don’t think asking or begging her to stop will go down well. You really just have to wait for her to come to that realisation/conclusion.

All you can control is your response to her and the time you spend trying to support her. If you feel you need to step away a bit because you are starting to suffer then that’s absolutely reasonable.

Original poster
Sessili · 18/02/2025 12:02

2024YR4 · 18/02/2025 11:56

You can’t tell her or beg her. She has to realise for herself when it’s time to stop. The only thing you can control is your response level to it.

Edited

Somehow it feels even worse to just take a step back without explanation. I could not just stop responding to her texts or her requests to meet up; that'd be cruel.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 18/02/2025 12:04

I think you can say it with love but you need to be careful. The problem is she knows she can get pregnant so there is always that itch. I had a friend who had four miscarriages but she wasn’t going to give up.

Achyarms · 18/02/2025 12:05

This is not your place to say

Anywherebuthere · 18/02/2025 12:05

Step back if you can't support her. Let her know you worry for her but telling her to stop ttc won't go well and may hurt her more. She needs to come to that place in her own time.

SJM1988 · 18/02/2025 12:08

You can ask but I'd say it would be the end of the friendship. Take a step back from the friendship for now if you feel unable to support her.

As someone who has been there (2 MMCs and a still birth), if one of my friends told me to embrace what I had or count my blessings - I would no longer be their friend. I have cut people out who said why keep trying. They fundamental didn't understand me as a person or who I was to be questioning why.

I know people who have had 11 plus miscarriages then gone on to have another successful pregnancy. You can never say enough is enough really to someone who is longing for another baby.

Taking a step back and explain you find supporting her through multiply losses difficult without telling her you think she is basically wrong for keeping on trying (that is how those two phases come across). She'll understand if she is a good friend.

PensionConfusion24 · 18/02/2025 12:09

It's cruel to directly beg or tell her to stop trying but have you tried talking around the issue fully? Is she having investigations, what are doctors saying? Can she afford or save for IVF, and would it help? Could she take a break from trying to do other things and just rest - could you both go with your kids on a weekend away? Have you had a conversation along the lines of "what will you do if this never works out for you"? to broach it from a different angle.

If her response amounts to "I can't contemplate any of this and I'm just going to keep doing the same thing" then I think you'd be justified in telling her there's a limit to how much you can support her.

YoshiIsCute · 18/02/2025 12:09

Miresquire · 18/02/2025 11:54

Well you could ask (or beg, as you also put it) but I’d be prepared for that to go down like a lead balloon. I highly doubt she’d listen to you and your friendship probably wouldn’t survive.

I would instead try and suggest she might benefit from some therapy, but you’d have to do this very gently.

I agree with all of this. If you value her friendship, there is zero chance she will take this well and it will come across as very insensitive and invalidating.

of course if you’re struggling to be a bottomless well of support that’s ok too but I’d be gently suggesting she bring a therapist on board to help her cope with the trauma of repeated miscarriage and the ongoing stress of TTC. You could even suggest it might help her TTC as stress and anxiety are terrible for her hormones

Caterina99 · 18/02/2025 12:13

I don’t think you can say anything like that without essentially risking ending your relationship.

Ultimately that is a decision for her and her partner. You can have your opinion, and I think I would feel the same way as you, but voicing an opinion that she doesn’t want to hear is not going to end well. Her partner, even her parents or family etc, will also be aware of the situation and be better placed to have these conversations with her.

I had a friend go through similar, although thankfully not as many miscarriages. She came to the decision with her DH that they couldn’t go through that process again and should focus on their existing DD. I did nothing but offer a shoulder to cry on and did not comment on their choices.

MissUltraViolet · 18/02/2025 12:14

You don’t have to ghost her, just be less available.

Sorry, you’re doing xyz and can’t meet this week. Leave it longer between responding to messages, you don’t need to give an excuse as to why, you have your own life and struggles.

You find yourself in a position where to put your health and wellbeing first, she’s going to be unhappy. Either by gently stepping back a bit or saying to her what you want to say.

It’s that or you continue as is and just keep hoping one way or another something changes soon.

gettingtothebottomofit · 18/02/2025 12:18

I had a friend like this but she had no kids at all. They kept persevering throughout everything. I'll be honest, seeing the effects on her mental and physical health I was tempted to gently talk to her about it more than once.

Now she has one child and her and her husband absolutely adore her and all have a lovely life. They are born parents.

You just never know. I was wrong. To her it was all worth it.

Mamabear487 · 18/02/2025 12:19

If your a good friend you should keep your nose out of it and support her however you can regardless of your feelings towards her situation

user4621786753 · 18/02/2025 12:20

I get it OP. One of my best friends put herself through hell trying for a second.
Her first pregnancy in her late 20’s hadn’t been plain sailing, last 3/4 months of it spent in hospital.
Then miscarriage after miscarriage. It was only when she became so ill she feared for her life and leaving her first DC that she stopped. I don’t think you can say anything though.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 18/02/2025 12:24

There's no way I could be endlessly supportive and present for all of that.

It is incredibly traumatic for her, but that many miscarriages and supporting a friend through that grief cycle over and over again is more than most people could take.

It must be awful for her child living with a mum who is so obsessed with another baby that she is putting her mental and physical health at risk.

I can't see how she could be a good parent at all right now.

Personally, I would tell her that you are struggling with this cycle and you love her but can't watch her put herself through this over and over again.

Most people couldn't watch someone they care about do this without an impact on their own mental health.

(I say all of this as someone who has experienced the cycle of infertility and how it affected the people who care about me).

jolota · 18/02/2025 12:25

If you say it, your friendship will probably be over.
I don't think its your place to say it honestly.
I would just take a step back from the friendship, even if that means telling some white lies.

Praying4Peace · 18/02/2025 12:27

Porcuporpoise · 18/02/2025 11:55

I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. None of us are bottomless wells.

This 💯 %
Important to take care of yourself OP

HollaHolla · 18/02/2025 12:27

You can share your concern for her, but begging her to stop is way out of your lane - you need to realise that this is her decision. Can you approach it kindly, from a place of concern, where you say you're worried about her, and the impact on both her physical and mental health? I am someone who struggled for years to unsuccessfully have kids, so I know the pain she will be going through, and had to realise myself, when it was time to call it quits.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 18/02/2025 12:29

I think if you say anything that would be the end of the friendship.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 18/02/2025 12:30

Porcuporpoise · 18/02/2025 11:55

I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. None of us are bottomless wells.

This

You can be supportive but you can't beg her