To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

My DC wasn’t negatively effected by my losses, you can’t assume that the DC are aware.

There is also a feeling of being able to tell your DC, if an only that you tried your very best to have another.

Maybe try shifting the focus of your friendship and encourage your friend to do some fun stuff?

I had many mc and they were awful but I needed my friends to remind me that life still needs living.

I didn’t get that far having “only” had two mmc between my daughters, and taking a long time to conceive each time, but I would have always had nagging doubts if I’d “given up too soon”.

I did give myself a time limit, although I don’t know whether I’d have stuck to it! I conceived DD2 six weeks before the point where I said I would stop trying, and continued to insist that if I had another mc then I wasn’t trying again.

With both mc they got to the point that the heart beat was visible successfully, so I’ve always questioned whether it was blood incompatibility (DD1 is rhesus positive but both me and DD2 are negative). But none of the tests were ever conclusive.

I used to hallucinate seeing DD1 with a little sister, so I was very determined it was going to happen. I wouldn’t have taken it well if a friend had suggested to stop.

My best friend looked after DD1 when I was in hospital for both mmc, she was there with unending support every single time. She must have privately wondered where it was going to end, but didn’t ever say it to me (this is the friend who was the only person to ask me whether I’d really thought it through before I married ex-H!! So she’s not one to hold back).

Her body her choice. Would I do this, no. But again her body her choice.

I would say nothing to her for now but plan to spend less time with her while you feel it’s getting too much for you to deal with. If she is in her 40s the chances of her having another child are becoming lower every year and she will know this. At some point over the next few years she will realise that she’s too old and accept that she has to give up. It’s a horrible situation for her and her husband.

Tbh I’d let her come to her own decision either way

You obviously can't ask her to stop or even suggest she should. But if you're such close friends, surely a gentle conversation along the lines of 'do you think you'll ever stop trying?' or 'do you think you'll know if/when you've reached the end of the road?' would be ok?

You have no business asking her this. My aunty tried and failed to keep a pregnancy over many years. She eventually went on to have 2 healthy pregnancies. Either support your friend or take a step back

The OP said that her friend finds no joy in anything. Not her work or hobbies etc. That she bursts into tears every 5 minutes in the middle of unrelated conversations.

You cannot honestly say being in this type of mind space doesn’t rub off on a young child.

I’d carry on supporting her until she decides for herself that enough is enough.

It's not an appropriate thing to sy, and she will not listen so it's pointless to say it. She will continue with her attempts regardless of anyone else's opinion, and only stop when forced to by age, if her health requires it, or if it needs financial intervention, when the money runs out.

I have had friends in the same position and really the only thing you can do is nod supportingly when they want to talk about it, hold back from making any concrete suggestions, and keep the thoughts you have in your head (or share only with a very trusted person, or a password-controlled journal - that's what I did).

A friend of mine was in a smoker position. She has finally had her second. I didn't think it was a great idea as her marriage is on the rocks, her husband isn't interested in the kids. But I would t dream of telling her that!

You said the child was “sidelined” and that you hope they get love and focus, thereby implying they weren’t. You have made the friend sound like a selfish and unloving mother for grieving not only her lost babies but for the child that will probably never be. I don’t know whether the friend is able to hide this from her child and neither do you but here you are.

If you’re finding this difficult as an outsider, imagine how she’s feeling. I’m sure she’d give anything to not feel that longing for another and feel complete with one but you can’t help how you feel. And you can’t pretend that you don’t want it if you do.

I think sometimes secondary fertility issues can feel difficult as people are less sympathetic. Also as it’s not just about your own needs or wants to have a child, you want it for your existing child too.

Let her know you love her and are worried about her but I’d encourage her to speak to a professional who’s not invested in the situation the way you are. If any blunt truths are to be delivered they’ll probably be much better received from a therapist.

If she’s into her 40s and showing no signs of slowing down maybe she’s waiting to age out of the process? If she doesn’t have another child by then then maybe she’ll be able to make peace with the fact that she tried but the choice was then out of her hands.

I think you may have quoted the wrong poster. I have not said any of those things you have mentioned.

Sorry you’re right. It was another poster but you’d replied to my comment on their comment so I thought I was talking to them. My apologies. As someone who has had multiple miscarriages and then a rainbow baby it’s a hard thread to read. I feel for the friend very much and hope she has other friends who can support her through this terrible time for her.

You definitely cannot tell her to give up. You are in no way part of the conversation. It has to be her choice to make as if she lives to regret she could blame you.

But you are not being unreasonable to step back from the friendship if you find it too overwhelming.

Tbh I was exactly like your friend op. So consumed in having a second child. Every month getting depressed. We even had IVF, which didn't work.

It changed my marriage.

If my friend had said anything to me, I would have been upset at the time. Thinking they don't understand etc

However, I did try keep most of it to myself, as I didn't want to burden my friends.

Anyway glad to say I am out the other side, when my child got older, and we had more freedom, the desire to have another child faded overtime.

How involved are you or your DC with her 7 year old. Do you have an aunty or godmother like relationship

I ask as if you do or could, and I'd be surprised if you don't seeing how long you've been friends for, I'd manoeuvre towards to staying in their life or even being more active and less in hers.

You'd be doing an enormous kindness for all of them, as I'm guessing they're missing out on fun stuff in all this, and could be a polite way of distancing yourself but staying in the picture. If asked you could dress it up as being all out of emotional support juice but still wanting to be there and this being how you know.

I say this as someone who benefited enormously from a family friend staying in my life consistently throughout it and now my DCs, even when being in my parents was difficult

Of course you can’t tell her to stop. If you did would you not have a nagging doubt that maybe she might have gotten what she wanted if you hadn’t encouraged her not to go for it?

You sound like a very decent person who is a bit drained which I can understand. But this is going to end soon, she’ll either get pregnant or the point will come at which that’s no longer possible and she will eventually move on.

This.

Presumably she’s been investigated for recurrent miscarriage? What medical advice has she received?

Eventually she will achieve a baby or give up - throwing away a 25y friendship sounds extreme.

slowly step back and stop being eager to placate or please. no explanation required as she will eventually realize you need to put others first too. don't immediately answer texts/ voicenotes just intermittently.

It's for her to decide when enough is enough, not you.

You don't have to support her but you can't be telling her to stop, that's her decision.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I also feel sorry for that poor child she already has