To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

She is obviously taking the piss with your support over her stuff - just distance yourself and stop offering support, but don't tell her what to do - it will open gates to her accusing you of 'she had one child only and is jealous of others having more' - just ask her to leave you alone next time she needs to unload.

For someone longing for a baby (first or subsequent ones) the feelings following a miscarriage are often incredibly strong. The need to try again, to prove to yourself that you can do this and achieve the longed for baby is very urgent indeed and I remember those feelings well. It was almost an obsession when it happened to me, though fortunately my next pregnancy was successful, as were the next two. Not without issues, but ultimately successful.

Assuming she has these feelings (very few women wouldn't), she WILL act on them whatever you say or do.

You can beg her to stop if you like but she doesn't have to listen to you and probably won't. It is more likely to destroy the friendship. It's your choice, but personally I would just cool things slightly while also accepting her as she is - coffee once or twice a week, a play date for the existing children etc.

Might she have antiphospholipid syndrome? (Hughes’s syndrome?) my friend had lots of early miscarriages and this was why. She had a blood test to diagnose it. She had clexane or another blood thinner all the way through her next pregnancy and had a healthy baby

If you need to step back for your own mental health then that's understandable. Presumably your friend is under medical care for the recurrent miscarriages and maybe the professional advice she receives might encourage her to step back or even just take a break for a bit. The decision to stop is not going to be easy and it's really for your friend and her partner to decide, if you push when she's not ready to hear it then it won't go well.

You have no right to ask your friend to stop trying to conceive.
You have a right to say that the long drawn out situation, the constant hope and disappointment, is too painful for you to listen to, month after month, and you need to step back from your friendship for a while.
Perhaps if you say that, it will make a difference to how she sees her own situation.

You can’t tell her to stop trying because the consequences are making you sad and uncomfortable, but it is ok to tell her that y oh are worried about her, and her need for support from you exceeds your capacity to provide that support, and it is taking its toll on your own mental health. I would suggest to her that he really needs a professional counselor with experience in infertility and pregnancy loss who will be able to provide much more useful support.

I don't think you can without destroying the friendship. I have a friend that was trying for another and hasn't been successful. I would never, ever tell her I'm glad though, as I really don't think they could cope with another child. They barely parent their older child, who is actually fairly easygoing, and was a very easy baby going from their description.

Just be there to support

It’s not your place to say anything. But I get that this would be very straining on a friendship. All you can do is put a healthy distance between yourself and her.

What a shame. There's no way this isn't overshadowing her son's childhood and he'll soon be old enough to really understand what's going on and feel inadequate. But if she can't stop for her son or her own mental health, she isn't going to stop for you.

YWNBU to tell her you can't watch her put herself and her son through this any more and she needs to get support elsewhere. But asking her to stop would be unreasonable and futile.

You can’t say anything. If you don’t want to be there end the friendship.

I voted YANBU but I don’t think you can actually tell/beg her to stop trying for another baby. What you can do, if you have the right kind of relationship with her, is to have a chat with her saying that maybe she should focus on the child she has. Not in a count your blessing kind of way, but in a you’re missing out on enjoying their childhood way. And maybe suggest she seeks some therapy.
She may not want to hear it at all, and it could be the end of your friendship. But there’s a small chance it might make her start thinking about making some changes.
And if you are struggling to support her, you can take a step back from the friendship.

I think you could suggest a break for her to enjoy life with her family, a night out with you, so she can book a holiday etc.. but from a place of worrying about her mental health and wanting her to have some respite from it all maybe. I wouldn't ask her to give up completely though, that has to be her choice.

Do you think she doesn’t realise it’s been awful and is just waiting for you to point it out like this is new information?

You can decide how much you are willing to support her, but it is not for you to tell her what to do.

I think it’s just a case of mentioning to her that her body needs a rest for a while, and perhaps she needs to focus a bit on her existing child. A child who will have spent their childhood dealing with their mother desperate for another child , putting herself through this seeing thier mother in tears etc and the implication that her existing child is not good enough

let's also not forget her partner here either

she needs counselling

I completely get where you’re coming from.
At the very least she should just give her body a break.

I can imagine it’s a very unhappy household.

However there is no way I would say anything.
If she takes your advice, then she may resent you forever.

She needs to learn this on her own.

I just hope her existing child isn’t too messed up by it all and her relationship lasts.

I think this is what I'll have to do. I really don't want to hurt her, but I cannot sit by and watch this anymore.

At this point it feels like it's worth losing the friendship just for a chance to make her see what I see, but you are all right probably - it is not my place to tell her what to do, or even express my opinion on the subject, because it is her choice (and her husband's).

I've been gentle in the past, telling her I'm worried and encouraging her to go to therapy (which she has). I do believe she is convinced only a second child will fix her now. And maybe that is true, but that's just an awful thought because it is outside of anyone's control.

We've been friends for 25 years. It's really hard to watch someone you're close to be so unhappy over something you cannot really understand.

I understand your perspective, seeing her suffer as she has and that no doubt impact on her existing child, must be a hard thing to see.

I don’t think you can say anything though. Just put some distance between you.

You could, but she will rightly dump you.

If that's what you want, then go ahead.

Friendships are not just for happy times.

What exactly is the problem or the reason you feel you can't support her any more if she continues TTC? Is it because you're finding it hard seeing her in pain, is it because you're tired of supporting her or sick of hearing about it? Be honest. No judgment but this could impact on how you deal with the situation.

I don't think you can ask her to do what you want when it's a major life diversion but you can let her know you're finding it hard seeing her go through this again and again and hopefully she will understand if you take a step back or she should maybe find a support group or similar to talk to.

It doesn't help that you think she should make do with one child because you were fine with one.

I also have a friend who went through this. Stillbirth and eight MCs. Her MH suffered tremendously and when I said to her ‘would it not be worth giving your body a rest’ - in response to her telling me her husband had said he wasn’t going to keep trying, she was outraged and their marriage was on the ropes - she fell out with me. I know now you’re not meant to say stuff like that. She prevailed and ended up going to London for treatment and had another pregnancy, with a lot of assistance. They eventually had a second son who has significant developmental delay. Clearly I don’t know if the two are related, they may not be. They’re a happy family and I’m glad for her but I do feel tbh it had become such a personal quest she lost sight of the welfare of existing child and her husband was given no real say in his family. There was an apparent MH issue but she had no interest in counselling. It wasn’t pleasant for any of them.

I think the likelihood is that if you speak then you’ll lose the friendship. The internet wasn’t such a big thing then so there was no advice on what to say as a third party - and conventional wisdom was more aligned to the ‘count your blessings’ approach, which thankfully I knew (just) enough not to say. Reading women’s stories online I think it’s better to be completely supportive and just be there wherever and however you can without sacrificing your own well-being and keep your thoughts to yourself. Your own stake is low, and begging her to stop isn’t fair, nor is it likely to have any meaningful result.

Cannot understand why you think you need to get involved.

I can imagine there are things in your life she would like to tell you to stop doing, or start doing.

Keep out of it.

If you want to end our friendship, just say
”I want to end this friendship, I’m having problems I cannot cope with and I’m starting to blame you which I know is WRONG. It’s best for me to have one less friend right now”

You can back away slowly. A lot of people have backed away from me 😬

Tread very carefully. You can't influence her choices but I understand she can't be relying on you for emotional support all the time either.

i had a few MCs then couldn't conceive at all and started treatment. Many years had lapsed during this time and my sole and only focus was having another baby. I didn't talk about specifics much, but once when telling a friend (who had 1 child) about my medication and procedures etc she remarked 'all that just for a baby you might never even have!'. It made me realise she didn't understand at all, she had never had a loss, she got what she wanted out of life and didn't understand that what made her happy didn't make me happy. I never again opened up about personal stuff to her and to be honest it drove a real wedge between us. There were many things about her life I didn't agree with but never once did I belittle her or pass comments about her (illogical IMO) life decisions.

I feel sorry for the current child, how can they feel they are enough watching their mother put herself through this over and over again to have another baby. The impact this is having in her physical and mental health to the extent she's had to give up work will be affecting her child.

I'd almost get it if it was only affecting her, although damaging

Honestly, probably for all three reasons you mention, although mostly the first. It is really hard seeing her in pain. It is difficult to stand by while everything that once mattered to her in life - her child, her job, her hobbies - cannot seem to bring her joy anymore. And yes, supporting her has become a strain, and I wish we could talk about anything else without her bursting into tears after five minutes. I've been wanting this to happen for her so badly, but the odds are so slim at this point (she is in her 40s too), and I cannot understand it anymore.