To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

It’s a good idea to talk to her and explain how you are feeling (with a great deal of sensitivity of course). It’s not unreasonable for you to feel that you can’t be the friend that she needs right now. It might be that a conversation like that is more effective in making her assess the situation for herself.

it would be unreasonable for you to tell her to stop trying for a baby. There is nothing like the feeling of wanting a baby (it doesn’t matter how many other children you already have). She has to make that choice in her own time and will most likely resent you for saying it.

I don't get the impression that OP means literally telling her to stop. But you could be honest by telling her you're worried about her mental and physical health. And maybe suggesting all the positives in her life with the child she does have.

As someone who is now out of the infertility and loss journey (full term loss and 10 miscarriages, failed ivf), I can completely see where you are coming from. It must be so hard and exhausting to see someone you care for go through repeated pain.

But whilst in the midst of it, I would’ve felt deeply hurt and a burden if a friend vocalised it. I hid a lot of my losses from friends and family because I felt they must be fed up of hearing it.

Sadly loss does change you and is all time consuming. She will know and I’m sure hate this. I was able to find myself again, and I do hope your friend can whatever the outcome is.

Please don’t tell her to stop. You can only really keep being there and accepting this is how it is, or you will have to slowly pull away and you’ll either come back together as a friendship or not.

Had I stopped I wouldn’t have my second child.

Maybe take a step back from the situation if it’s causing you stress.

There’s no point in telling your friend that you think she should accept not having another child as this won’t change her mind on anything and will potentially just cause bad feeling. It’s hard but you just have to leave her to it.

The title of the post is literally to ask her friend to stop trying

Well maybe you are taking it too literally. Yes she feels her friend should stop trying but obviously realises it wouldn't be helpful to say something quite so blunt. The point is how to approach the subject.

How sad for her child. She’s being incredibly selfish to continue to do this while it’s affecting her child, as is her husband for being even more determined than her.

“I just want to beg her to stop trying “ no I am just reading what is written down. You are the one speculating.