To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

This is such a mean thing to do and will leave your friend puzzled . Why ghost her over it - why not have a conversation and say that it’s a lot for both of you to deal with and you can be here for her but maybe it’s worth her seeking professional help to support her more fully.
slowly withdrawing friendship without explaining why is really poor form - especially if she is already suffering so much

It may well be that she hides her feelings successfully from her child, and does not sit in the throes of misery around them. This is certainly what I and every other mother experiencing rmcs I've known did - we might have one or two friends we could really open to but still had to be capable of doing our jobs, being a wife mother etc! Humans can contain a multitude of feelings.
As to what you body is trying to tell you - I assume mine was telling me I needed an effective treatment for what was happening to me in order to have my absolutely adorable dc who has managed to be healthy and intelligent despite being born to someone in their 40s.

I don't think it's your place to ask her to stop trying - as other people have said, it's unlikely to go well - but as a good friend, you might be able to suggest she take a break, for her own health. It sounds like she's been through a lot in a short time, and needs to recharge. A set period - three months, say - where she puts ttc on the back burner and focuses on getting her health back, might really help. (Even in her efforts to conceive.)

You can't force it, but if you frame it in the right way, she might be receptive. I understand she might feel time is against her, but she's been in a fog of grief, hormones, and depression for the last four years. Her body and mind need to heal and reset.

Do you have any idea if there is some pressure being put on her by her husband (or partner) to make her be so determined about a second child, or another family member, say a parent?

Yikes, I agree with you. She’s missing out on her living child in pursuit of something that may never happen. But she won’t thank you for saying anything. In fact, she’ll demonise you. I’d just fade her out, as harsh as some may find that. But I couldn’t watch someone be so foolish.

I would imagine her partner (if she has one) was probably at the end of his tether too over this, especially as they do have a lovely, healthy child. You can't say anything but I understand your frustration. She is wasting a lot of her existing kid's childhood as well as her own happiness and wellbeing. You daren't say anything though. I'd personally step back.

This. What a horrible “friend” you are. She definitely doesn’t need people like you in her life.

Saying that someone who has had multiple miscarriages should count their blessings because they have a child shows a lack of compassion and understanding of secondary infertility. It is incredibly difficult to come to terms with and your friend must do it on her terms not yours. Also, don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t count herself blessed for her first child just because she yearns more. Women don’t have more children because they’re not happy with their first.

has she had investigations into why she is experiencing all these very early losses?

I don’t think you can tell her to stop trying. But you can control how available you are for support.

You could perhaps suggest she gives her body (and mind) a rest for a while. If she’s not prepared to do that, then it’s easier for you to be less available or say you need a rest from the emotional toll for a while. (Whilst still wishing her success)

This isn’t your place. Please don’t.

She wants to conceive again and is facing recurrent loss or infertility - in the gentlest possible way it is not your job to tell her what to do and she will probably cut you off as a friend if you start giving her unwanted advice - a lot of people facing fertility issues just cannot deal with "helpful advice" from people who do not understand. So many people with fertility issues lose friends during that journey - it can become very lonely.

I know you mean well, but as you've said in comments it seems like this bothers you for complicated reasons- you're happy with one kid and she isn't, so you struggle to understand her.

Don't intervene merely because of your feelings - take time to process how you feel and remember that she is not responsible for that, just like you are not responsible for hers. If it is hard for you to hear, you can step away from her a luttle so you dont have to hear about it as much.

She KNOWS what this is doing to her. More than you do. Msybe this is a journey she has to see through.

She won't thank you if you come in and tell her to stop trying for the sibling for her child that she desperately wants. You can tell her you are concerned for her and her family and focus on supporting her and encouraging her to seek help.

No, she's not bothered. Hasn't even occurred to her to seek medical support for her horrific physical and emotional trauma, actually.

🙄

We always talked about having two but after having some medical investigations we found out we would be extremely lucky to have one. And then we were extremely lucky. I am quite a binary person and I knew I was not going to be able to "just see what happened" or try for a second unless I was going to commit to it fully, and knowing how unlikely a second miracle would be I decided for all the reasons you have described that I didn't want to do that- I wanted to focus on the good fortune we already had and make the most of it.

It seems like your friend is wasting what she has pining for something she doesn't have. However, I doubt she is going to see it that way.

You have to protect your own mental health. In your situation, I'd be honest, once, and gently, to say that you are finding it hard watching her put herself through this and would it not be better to focus on what she already has? If she isn't receptive to that, then you need to withdraw slightly and draw some boundaries around what support you can actually give to her.

Her husband is equally, if not more determined to have a second child. I wouldn't say he is pressuring her really, but he is definitely all-in as much as she is.

It’s none of your business.

I had six miscarriages between DC2 and DC3. I did come to a point where I accepted it but it took me 6 years to accept it.
Six years after that I actually did have my rainbow baby.
You can't tell her to stop. I wouldn't have reacted well to one of my friends saying that to me. You can limit but not withdraw your support if you wish. She will likely come to a point where she does accept it but you can't force her to before she's ready.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to feel as you do but I don't think it would be a good idea for you to say as much to her. She needs to come to this conclusion herself. I hope she does because she is wasting precious time.

I just read this and agree:
Porcuporpoise · Today 11:55
I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. Nontce of us are bottomless wells.he en
.......
Other than that, nothing else you can do, at the end of the day it is her business, her health, etc. I haven't read all posts but presume she has a husband. I'm surprised he hasn't said that enough is enough. He can, it affects him directly.h

Your friend is blessed to have a child. So many people cannot and would be over the moon to have one child.

Good luck with this.

Do it, for the family she has.

You are in the wrong.
I had 18 miscarriages and 3 ectopics before l gave birth to my second daughter.( nine years apart). I had Endometriosis and PCOS.. but my gosh she is well worth it and the most lovely kind caring 32 year old daughter. .. and a fabulous sister .. both daughters are so close.
I did have a total hysterectomy afterwards..
You should be supporting her.
She will know herself when enough is enough..

I think you know deep down you can't ask/tell/beg her to stop trying so that's probably just the desperation you are feeling talking.

However you cannot continue to support her mental health whilst destroying your own. You need to tell her that she can no longer lean on you for this. Explain that you understand if she doesn't want a relationship on those terms but unfortunately you just can't do it anymore.

Perhaps you can set some limits to protect yourself. Work out what they are?

It depends entirely on your friendship. If you’re v good friends and you care deeply about her- then I would say something. I think ‘taking a step away’ would be cruel. I would rather go out of the relationship with her knowing that I was worried for her than be a coward. I had a similar situation with one of my oldest best friends. I love her and want the best for her. She hasn’t much family support so sometimes I have to say what the mother/ sister would say and she does the same for me. It’s not something I enjoy. It stings. It’s not nice but it comes from a place of deep affection. She was annoyed with me for a while and then she began to resolve the situation and was happier. Sometimes people need permission to let go. Yes- it’s her body and her choice but it’s already dominating all of your relationship. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Don’t think of making it about you - but instead accepting that someone’s else’s feelings may be having a negative impact on how you experience something. Both your feelings and her feelings are valid, justifiable and do not cancel each other out. all of this means that you may not be the best person to provide the support you both need. As I have said, I am very happy with one child, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had to give up the dream of more and that was bloody hard so personally having gone through that journey it would be hard for me to be thrown back into it but trying to support someone who is in the throes of it.

How much does her child understand is going on?
Hold old is the child?