To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

You sound like a caring and supportive friend but there is no reasoning with people like this. I wonder what her partner thinks or is he just going along with this ‘need’ for extra babies when she has one lovely healthy child. Ultimately she is ravaging her own body and mental health and stopping herself from being a mum to her little girl and embracing motherhood. She will look back one day and realise how much she has missed out on with her child in her quest for more more more.

It’s her decision to keep trying and, sadly, putting herself through this recurrent sadness. You can’t ask her to stop as it’s her choice and she won’t. However, you definitely can explain that as much as you love her dearly, her desire for a second baby has dominated her life, her goals and taken nearly all of her energy for many years now. You can say that it’s difficult for you to have this as the central focus of so much of your friendship and conversation, and that you do want to live in the moment more and focus on what you both do have. I don’t think it will be an easy conversation as she’s clearly in such grief, but maybe she should see a therapist who can help her see that she is utterly consumed by this desire and that it’s still harming her wellbeing.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS. Nothing you say is going to stop her TTC. She wants another baby. Just because you're okay with one doesn't mean she is. You need to either be supportive and an actual friend or remove yourself. It's okay to tell her you are worried about her health or wellbeing but anything else us to much.

I'm not voting as I think it's a sensitive topic for such a blunt binary click. I've been where your friend has. And understand her desire and need. But you are right in knowing you need that emotional space as well. Personally I only ever told my friends the briefest of details as online forums were more supportive and understanding. Plus I didn't want to trauma dump. I wouldn't just ghost her as some OP have said why be needlessy cruel. But you could say, " I can see how much pain you are in and I'm worried about the impact". Im not a professional in this area, I'm sure you know about organisation". Then you can ask her about what her child is up to at school, nursery. Maybe talk about taking a holiday. Fertility issues can be all consuming and it's hard for the women going through it. But you aren't bad for wanting to set some emotional boundaries. But to tell her to stop is just not an option. Her body and her choice. And she probably already knows you think it anyway.

You're her friend, not her spouse. Nobody who isn't the potential other parent can express such a strong opinion on whether someone else should ttc. Bite your tongue.

Thank you - I had great luck. My MCs were years ago - almost 20. DS2 is 17.

I’m very pleased to read what you have written about new research and better outcomes.

I don't think there's much point in telling her. She knows what's happening but is choosing to persist.

I do get it. It took me 4 miscarriages, 3 surgeries, many rounds of ivf and other fertility treatment, SO much money and 6 1/2 years to conceive dc2. I was so stubborn about it. People would occasionally raise when I'd stop, but I just wasn't ready to stop. I would have aged out within a few more years as i had dc2 when i was 41.

But... I don't think i was as hard to be around as your friend. Yes I'd talk about it, but generally on the whole i'd pretend to be ok and I didn't lose my job. She does sound hard to be around. Maybe step back a little but not completely and if she asks explain that supporting her is taking a toll on your own mental health.

There have been multiple posts suggesting I am not an actual friend, or a bad friend, because I can no longer find it in myself to be supportive.

But I honestly cannot imagine that others might be content watching a friend destroy herself and her life, because that is what I feel she is doing. I mean, sometimes you disagree with your friends' choices and you can keep your mouth shut, because not my circus, not my monkeys, but this is on another level. My friend is depressed, constantly. She has not been able to work or engage in her hobbies. She used to be so full of life, and now she is just broken, and this journey completely consumes her. I know she has already lost multiple friends over this. Her child definitely knows something is wrong with their mum, although they don't know what it is - they think she's ill. It's all desperately sad.

So I will tell her how I feel (without asking her to stop - I know it is not my place), and if she hates me for it, then that is how it is. I hope we can keep the door open, so I can celebrate or grieve with her, however it turns out. But for now I have reached my limit.

It sounds like it has become an obsession now.
Years ago there was a TV programme about women who were unable to have children.

They featured a wonderful Vet who spoke so eloquently about it, and her deep sorrow-

I took our dog to vets and saw this wonderful, kind woman. She was on Locum duty .
I didn’t say I’d seen her on TV.

She had no child. Probably never would.

I feel very much for women who cannot have a child- but to get int such a state when one already has a child!
To the extent that the child she has is suffering- surely this now steps into mental illness?

Giving up work because of it?

She needs help- For the sake of her existing child, not a nebulous dream child.

There's a special place in hell for "friends" who say you should not want what you want. She's killing herself because she wants something . Who are you to tell her she's wrong?
(She may be, and she has to accept it at some point - by herself. How dare you decide it for her?)

It’s affecting the woman’s actual child that she has.
It’s not fair on the child she has-it sounds like an all consuming obsession where nothing else matters.

She’s lucky enough to have one child-some women can’t even have one child.

She knows how painful it is, so hopefully if she’s a good friend back, she would understand if you say you can’t take the emotional rollercoaster anymore. It is too difficult for you. That is not judging her choice, just saying you can’t cope. It sounds like this is where you are with it?

It is desperately sad.

Do you think it's all magically going to get better if she stops trying? At least she has a glimmer of hope. If she stops trying, it could get even worse.

Be prepared to lose the friendship. She's in a bad place and I seriously doubt she will welcome your advice.

There's only so much support you can give until it starts to impact your life too.

@Sessili it's not your place to give any opinion. If you can no longer be a shoulder to cry on then suggest counselling and tell her the emotional toll is to great for you. If she takes that badly just reiterate it is very emotional, you are struggling with it and you know she is and that your best advice is to recommend counselling as you are not equipped to handle it any longer. FGS do not tell her what she should do otherwise.

I do think that sometimes people can destroy the good things they have by chasing after something they don't have, and probably will never have.

Your instinct IMO is correct, she is almost certainly negatively affecting the child she has, which is so, so sad.

I do think that sometimes people need someone who will say the hard things to them. And IME that is usually not a therapist.

Of course acceptance is very difficult, but the relief that it brings can also be staggering.

The problem of course is, she may well not listen and worse your friendship may not recover. In some ways the ideal person to bring this up is someone like her mother. OTOH - if you think the friendship is already compromised, maybe you should just go ahead and say the hard thing - that she is destroying her health and impacting her child chasing a second pregnancy.

None of us can have all the things we want, terrible things happen every day, a child dies, a spouse runs off, our health deteriorates, we get fired, or life's goal turns out to be out of reach.

Goals and hope are great things, but obsession that destroys isn't great. There is a reason there are loads of literary examples.

How do you think their child feels about the fact that the parents are spending a all their time, energy, physical vitality, on the hope of another child? A story about parents so focused on the possibility of a child who doesn't yet exist, to the point they can't engage properly with the child they have, is a tragedy.

Well said, @TempestTost

It's too bad that woman can't focus on her existing child.

Was wondering about something like this. Is she getting medical support? Have they investigated if there’s any reason for the repeated miscarriages?

I think you can take a step back but still be her friend.

There's nothing you can do about the way she lives her life. It's out of your control, and I think it's best you don't say anything.

When you are together, you could try distraction, like funny stories or going to watch funny films at the cinema. Or maybe you could do a book club of two. Tell her that you've been wanting to read more, and ask her if she'd be up for the two of you both reading the same book and then discussing it. Another idea might be to do some activity when you see each other, instead of just talking. You could go on days out to a local stately home or London or wherever's near you. Or you could bake together, or some kind of evening class together. It really sounds as if she could do with some distractions. If she won't be distracted, you could gently say that you think she could benefit from giving herself a break from it all for a few hours occasionally, and ask how she feels about going to see that new play/musical. Then there are concerts and gigs, which are too loud for her to talk!

There are other ways of being a good friend than just listening endlessly.

P.S. If she's depressed, she really needs to see her GP, and I'd encourage her to do that, in your shoes.

I think part of being a close friend is trying to give a kindly worded reality check when you think it's warranted. I'd definitely talk to her about it.

at first I read your post and thought you sounded quite selfish, but after reading your updates on how all consuming this is for her, to the detriment of her only child, I think you need to say something. As you say, maybe it’s the thing that snaps her out of it. Maybe not, but it’s difficult being in a friendship like this. Good luck

I’ve just tried for 3 full years, DS is 6. 5 IVF transfers, 4 miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy and stillborn twins.

I would’ve told someone to f*%# off if they’d said what you’re considering. And I kept at it and now have DD who’s 7 months after IVF, and am randomly 4 months pregnant with DD2 naturally. You don’t get to say it won’t happen and it’s up to her if she wants to continue. Stopping would’ve made my mental health a lot worse. I’m sure my friends thought I was mad and should’ve been happy with DS but they never said so. You haven’t been there, you haven’t walked in her shoes.

She is oversharing by telling you each time she's had a positive test. She should really wait until 10 weeks. So many people have chemical pregnancies and don't even realise. She is obviously obsessive about testing and that's unhealthy. Most people ttc are discreet about it. She seems overly dramatic.