To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

She may well know a lot more than age's told OP too.

Even when those of us facing fertility issues talk to friends or family, doesn't mean they know everything. Which is why you're right that OP and commenters shouldn't be quick to make assumptions.

That does surprise me, frankly. I hadn't seen that post before posting my one above.

I've had miscarriages and if a friend said that to me I'd really struggle with them thinking that was an okay thing to say. Please don't.

You cannot tell her to stop. Only she can decide that but you can gently ask what her plans are. What's the next thing to try, and will they shift gear at some stage?
We had about 5 miscarriages in the first 5 years of our marriage and we decided that if we were no further along at that point we'd start the adoption process. That took 3 years but 8 years after we got married our lovely DS was placed with us and 2 years later we had his DD as well.
I also have a friend who has one son through ICSI and who investigated adoption but decided that their only child was enough. She and I are extremely close and we were able to talk each other through the different decisions we were making.

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult journey your friend is facing. It’s incredibly hard to see someone you care about go through such heartache and challenges. You've been a wonderful friend, offering support through it all, which is no easy feat.
It's clear that your friend's desire for another child is deeply rooted and has become a central focus in her life. Your feelings of wanting her to stop trying and embrace the life she has now are completely valid. It’s tough to watch her struggle and feel helpless in offering comfort.
While your instinct is to ask her to stop trying, it might be helpful to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Perhaps you could gently express your concerns about her well-being and suggest she consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who specializes in fertility and grief. They might be able to help her navigate her feelings and find some peace, regardless of the outcome.

Tell her you are worried and you care about her. And her existing child.
Don't tell her to stop trying for or wanting another baby.

I’m sorry you have experienced so much loss.

However - I can see where the OP is coming from. There is a young child who is observing her mother clearly heartbroken and distraught. Surely it must be negatively impacting the child.

It’s different when the only people affected are the couple. It’s different when there is an existing child involved.

(I hope I’m not coming across callous. It’s not my intention).

In four years have you been able to talk about anything other than her TTC, pregnancies and miscarriages? Has she asked and listened to you about what's going on in your life?
How would you feel if there were another 4 years of this ahead?
(A friend once ghosted me. I felt devastated until I realised it hadn't been a friendship in a long time. I was utterly exhausted after every conversation and nothing I said mattered anyway. She only needed reassurance how awful things were for her and I agree that things were difficult for her. I still think of her and hope she found happiness but I do not miss the last years of our conversations at all).

Exactly!

I think it must be horrendous to have a child and then suffer secondary infertility with so many unanswered questions as to why. She's absolutely in the midst of all the grief that comes with it and the trauma of all the loss and dashed hopes she faced. I don't think it's anyone's choice but hers and her husbands as to when enough is enough and I think it would be very unfair to tell her to stop or even suggest it. I think if you're worried about her then tell her how to support herself, how to access good trauma informed therapy, go and do hobbies with her that she can enjoy as a temporary distraction and come at it from that angle. I think you need to set your own personal boundaries with what you can and cannot do, and I'd talk to her in a supportive way about her mental health not mentioning the rest. I think realistically this is a particularly rough period of her life, it's probably deeply isolating for her and my feeling on it would be that if she's a good friend then you stick with her in whatever capacity you have left. The really sad thing is this won't last forever as the decision will be taken from her eventually and she'll have no choice but to come to terms with it all at some point or another (though hopefully with a successful pregnancy and a sense of closure) so I think I'd be trying to remember that the rough periods are when we most need our friends and none of us know what's around the corner. So many women lose friendships due to infertility and to me it's awful that that's a loss they need to take on, as well as all the rest of the pain.

Secondary infertility is horrendous because there is so little sympathy or support
it’s a sad team to be in

I would struggle in your position, too. That's four years of completely centring your friend in your friendship - friendships do need to be give and take, otherwise one is essentially just feeding off the other. You're not a friend so much as an emotional support bag. I have a family member who is constantly in crisis and it's exhausting. If she wasn't a blood relative, I'd have walked away a long time ago. If your friend is normally a good friend, then I'd continue to be empathic and supportive - and I wouldn't tell her what to do about her own fertility/child situation as that's overstepping - but I'd definitely back off a little, for your own sake.

Wishing you luck x

my musings - It’s not always egg quality or age. I’ve got APS. Conceived 5 times on the first try and once on the second. 4 miscarriages. Aged 36, 37, 37, 38 (living child), 41 and 42 (living child). Eggs good. Blood bad.

People are very quick to blame egg quality. Age. Weight. Ate an oyster. Ate some sweaty cheeses. So little is known about the causes of miscarriage though.

I also asked my specialist if I should carry on trying after my last miscarriage - she said to me absolutely yes. The treatment works and that she was absolutely sure that another baby was a matter of when, not if, for me. I think I would have given up at that point if she had said she thought I should. DH and I decided that it was a one last try though, and we had made our peace with that. Glad we did try though because we were lucky one more time.

40 years ago APS hadn’t been identified. Very recently things like huge doses of vitamin b, or extra folic acid. Even in the last 3 years there have been breakthroughs - progesterone is now more likely to be prescribed to women who have had 2 miscarriages, even without testing their levels - and successful pregnancy rates for women in that group have shown an increase.

I’m not surprised OPs friend isn’t ready to give up yet.

You’re not unreasonable to feel that way, but it would be unreasonable to say anything. It’s her life.

I voted YABU.

A friend went through 12 miscarriages and then took the extremely difficult and painful decision to terminate a pregnancy that would have led to the birth of a child with extreme deformities and a short life before conceiving and giving birth to 3 healthy children all of whom are now early 20s and late teens.

So who is anyone to tell another to give up hope?

Tbh you don't sound like a friend, needed to step back or reducing your level of support I get, but to tell her what she should be doing with her life, I really think is out of order

You can't tell her what to do. You can give advice or your thoughts if she asks.

You're allowed to feel how you feel though and I'd find it very draining. Does the being pregnant/ trying to conceive/ misscarriage dominate conversations? Even if it wasn't pregnancy related (eg. Difficulties with a spouse etc) I would find it hard to be around someone who was all consuming (about themselves).

I think you shpuld think: I can't understand her mindset, why she would be so set on having a second baby. Therefore, I am unable to walk in her shoes and unqualified to give advice to her.
You can step back from the relationship eith her, that is your right. But you don't have a right to suggest either way. It is too delicate a situation. Even if she did listen to you she might then resent and blame you for influencing her.

Oh, this is so hard. I had three miscarriages in pretty short succession before my first child, and I remember absolutely raging when people told me I should take a break from trying and allow myself to rest and heal. I was absolutely not willing to hear that and found it monstrously insensitive. With hindsight - and with two children now safely here - I can see that they were absolutely right that I was working myself into an ever more desperate place, and that their advice was good. But might I have not had DS if I had heeded it?

It's much harder, too, as you note she's over 40. Having a break probably realistically means accepting it won't happen, which might be the right thing but is probably also an impossible thing for her.

I see exactly where you are coming from.
The child they actually have is being sidelined for The idea of a “baby”.
Sounds like it’s been happening for years too-
At least the husband is on board, but one hopes the child they have gets love and attention rather than the focus being on having a new baby.

What an awful comment. You think they’d be ignoring their child while trying and hoping for another? You’re making her sound callous and neglectful and you have absolutely no idea about that but just making awful assumptions

Don’t say anything. I tried for 2nd for over 6 years, it was tough to conclude it, a friend telling me stop wouldn’t have changed anything tbh.