To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

[Sessili]

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

You do have a right to slowly withdraw from your friend as it’s upsetting your own emotional well-being….doing it so slowly and gradually, that it’s barely perceptible to her. You aren’t obliged to be her sole support friend on call to her.
Don’t answer calls and messages straight away. Suggest cinema or theatre where you don’t have to talk so much. Include other friends at times when you get together so that you don’t carry her load on your own. Let her know that you have taken up a new hobby or interest that takes your time. Stay kind but gently hint that you prefer to be cheerful and positive for your own sake and that of your child.

You don’t have a right to tell her/ask her/suggest to her to stop trying, - simply because it’s bad for your own emotional well-being.

You have been a good true friend for all these years and it’s sad for you both if the friendship has to end over this. But you can help yourself a bit more OP, so that it’s not so much of a burden.

Ok so my son is now 15 months old before him I lost two pregnancies both MMC one july one November of the same year . It crucified me 100% but until this happens to you then you don't exactly understand how it affects you. Before it happened to me I'd of agreed with you but now it has, I can see where your friend is at, you become consumed by that longing for another baby you eat sleep and think it and can't wait until the next period to try again. Yes I did go abit batty in this time but I got myself out of that. I already had my two amazing DDs who I love dearly but that doesn't change how your thinking when this has happened. I agree you friend probably needs some therapy /support and if you don't feel able to continue supporting her then thats ok too but I personally wouldn't try telling her she needs to stop trying for another baby. if someone had tried saying that to me while I was still trying I wouldn't of taken kindly to it and would of shown them the door and told them never to come back. I hope your friends ok and you do genuinely sound concerned for her but this has to be her call not yours.

i had 15 early losses before I had my first and I just had my second. From someone who knows and kindly: if she’s not ready to give up, what on earth makes you think you have the authority or influence to change her mind if 7 devastating losses haven’t managed it?

Rather than trying to stop her, you could look at her diet, her stress levels etc and try to support her in her choice.

If she is turning to you for support then there is nothing to stop you saying, as part of that support, "I think that you have given so much time and suffered so much misery to this attempt at a second child that maybe it is time to call it a day and focus your energies on the lovely child that you do have, who needs his Mum to be fit and well and happy."

@Sessili Your friend is so lucky to have a happy healthy child already - Chances are this constantly trying for another is impacting the child she already has.

There may be a valid reason why she has so many miscarriages- {age?}
It's a shame she can't be happy with the healthy one she's already got.

I love the amount of posters who are presumably making an assumption that she hasn't considered that it is time to stop?! There's NO WAY with that much loss and heartache that she hasn't had that thought herself... and decided to keep trying.

The child she already has may not even want a sibling.

Many children get jealous and upset when another child comes along - ''one and done'' is a common choice nowadays.

I had 4 miscarriages, including one between children. I’ve got a blood clotting condition that has a high risk of miscarriage and complications. If any of my friends had said that to me, however well intentioned, I would never have spoken to them again.

You said yourself, you have one child and are one and done. As far as I can tell you didn’t have fertility issues. You are happy with your family unit as it is. She isn’t and what’s worse is it’s completely out of her control. You don’t understand what she’s going through. Be a friend.

Hello OP.
Not sure what to advise really, but I have a friend (not close, we worked together and were very friendly)- she's had countless of miscarriages yet miraculously managed to carry another child to full term and is now very happy 😊 I hope your friend will get that happy ending, too.

I think you cannot tell her what to do- it’s her life so her choice.

However, you can either completely stop the friendship or scale it way back.

Without changing your friends behaviour at all, how would you like your relationship to look? How many times would you like to meet up and for how long? How many messages do you want to exchange? Frequency/ length of phone calls.

Really really think this through.

For example, you could think actually her messages are too many per day too long and too overwhelming. You could address this by sending a holding message after a long/ emotional message to say “Read this and thinking of you- I’ll respond properly this evo when I have time.” Then sit down that evening and send one, really nicely composed message. Then don’t read any more until the next day.

Or you might think that meeting in person is the worst for you, in which case you could limit your visits to 20 min coffee, 1/2 hour dog walk or whatever. No explanation needed. “I’d love to see you Saturday but I’ve over committed as usual! I could do coffee at yours at 10 but I absolutely need to be in the car at 10:30.”

Same for phone calls. Either ignore the call or say “I have something to do in 10 mins, but you have my full attention until then.” Then say “sorry I’ve got to go and off you go.

Be prepared that she may not like this- she is used to you being on hand immediately. You have to allow her to feel how she feels without feeling guilty. Your own state of mind is the most important thing.

Do some reading around setting and maintaining boundaries. Lots of good YouTube videos out there.

What might help is to feel your anger here. You aren’t a free therapist who is there and available at all times. You aren’t her emotional support human. Really dumping on you all the time is quite rude. Your OP sounds angry. Explore that.

Good luck!

I can't imagine the hell she must be going through. I can't imagine having a miscarriage at all, never mind 7. The poor girl. I also feel for her daughter.

Yes, from an outside perspective she should probably stop for the sake of her own health, relationships and her daughter, but that's coming from someone one and done by choice, so I'd feel very uncomfortable saying all that out loud.

If anyone is going to be frank with her, it's a medical professional. All you can do is be there for her and support her. Doing any more than that is crossing the line.

I once tentatively suggested bereavement counselling to a friend who had had repeated miscarriages (she had one 2 year old and was speaking so bitterly about other people who were pregnant). She never really spoke to me again.

She did go on to have more children.

Someone is going to tell you YABVU, but I agree with you. Think of how all this ongoing misery is affecting the child she already has. Seeing her mother always in the pits of despair instead of living in the moment and enjoying her time with her DD. The little girl is going to end up carrying some heavy emotional baggage from this.

Also, by this stage you'd think she'd start to wonder if her body isn't trying to send her a message. If, by some miracle she finally manages to make a pregnancy stick past the early weeks, only to end up having a very premature baby with all sorts of complications and health issues for life, would that really solve all her problems and make her feel better?

Ofcourse you can't tell her what to do with her own body. Mind your own business!

As a mum of one I can understand why this is hard for you. I have been in this position where it has diminished my feelings around motherhood and made me feel inadequate that I am embracing only having one (I can’t have more). It is so complex. But those are my feelings that i have had to work through so I understand it’s hard to support someone with the feelings of your friend. As others have said, your friend sounds like she needs a qualified therapist to work with her. Even if she were to have another - it will not be a magic bullet to her mental health.

but begging her to stop trying will not work and may be the end of your friendship. This is something she has to decide for herself or as a couple.

The baby obsession can become an all consuming obsession in some women- If she's had to give uo work, and you as a friend find her hard to be around if she's hormonal and crying all the time, imagine the effect it's having on the child she already has.

{And the husband who probably finds having to perform on ''fertile days'' a chore}

By the sounds of it, this has been going on for years[?] so the existing child is undoubtedly affected by a weepy mother.

This can be very distressing for a child.

I can see exactly where you are coming from- wasted years obsessing over a baby while the child and life she has are put on the back burner.

I don’t think it’s up to you to beg. She will know all that you say I expect as every time she puts herself in a vulnerable position. Maybe a gentle conversation of will you carry on/look at adoption. But it is not your place to tell her anything. Her body her decision.

I do wonder whether there something on your part about being an only child mum and being ok with it? I mean this with absolutely no bad feelings intended- could it be bothering you a little that she’s not ok with having one child and you are? Please don’t take that the wrong way it’s just sometimes it’s good to look inwards when you’re struggling with something happening to others and identify what it is that’s really bothering you?

Whatever it is it’s really not your place to say and I don’t think she would take any advice well. Many women have several miscarriages and eventually one will work out. If she’s willing to keep going through it she’s willing to keep taking that risk and ultimately all you can do is stand by her and hold her hand through all of it.

Dear friend probably thinks you actually care.

You’ve been giving her dishonest feedback for a while now.

Tell her the truth so she finally knows who you are, and what you think.

You'd be telling her to 'give up hoping, it's never going to happen especially at your age, get over it and be grateful for what you've got because I'm fed up of hearing about it/how it makes me feel'.

That's never going to help anybody in that much pain.

Not your body, not your marriage, not your life, not up to you to say anything

This. I suspect I would have kept trying if my fourth try for DS2 had failed. But - I could cope with it. I wasn’t in a state of misery. But I don’t think I would have responded well even if I had been.

Thank you for this post (and @littlestrawberryhat too). I don't think I had even considered the possibility I might be repressing my own feelings about this from my perspective as a mother of an only child myself (also not fully by choice). Not that I want to make this about me in any way. And I really have been wanting this for her, so much. But it is good to be aware that I may not be as neutral here as I think, and that at some level it maybe feels like she is rejecting the family I happily settled for.

My mc consultant put it like this when I asked him if it was worth keeping on trying - yes, if you can handle it mentally. Basically it becomes a case of lots of poor quality eggs with occasionally a good one. You still have a chance, especially if you’ve carried to term before as I had. She must still be hanging on to that hope.