DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

[LemonExpert]

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

I don’t think it’s different for girls. I think the problem will eventually sort itself, but I also think making a daily shower non negotiable is a good thing. Start by getting her sone nice shower gel and deodorant.

Without dsd around, I would forcefully be making clear to her father that she needs to be clean. Every. Single. Day.

Find a book about parenting daughters.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Girls-21st-Century-Helping/dp/0008339783/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3JLCAZXAFR3NH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ZJG20H836iopv0-okTFvbbE4Go-isI9oXQFfrgIzNpxo1gIZWaXELNIwQ6cXNweLwh9hbnPgDoLv3Tnu8jAvDcopE4aX3OhMLv0-8mu_HKEzgr3h5a7_Qh3U0E0G8OQr2v5WZd_pI5PuJOXQhHZ_AeIZzu6Nwj9i_Mu8Y7R2Ftfr8MAD4t-6tcPtt6oFqic4wxPj_oI_hwOOKnDNWLHVdSkFwg8XLHjvQsUEkIUG7VI.sKmQ6_SUAECcuCAVyBmS5XFoaEgxyixcbA3dIhK6MJI&dib_tag=se&keywords=Biddulph+steve&qid=1739536160&sprefix=biddulph+stev%2Caps%2C484&sr=8-4 Dh read this one as he was unfamiliar with girls. Your DP may need it for the same reason.

www.amazon.co.uk/Girlhood-Raising-Little-Girls-Healthy/dp/B0B1FC1J99/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1YNZEKKPW919J&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lMK4JnJ0F9-zpHyFIkfP19snwudiVeCLP6WqcWCYpeTb1Xqru7aSjXvmik9MS2cuxifBBQlbDApjiLr5EfcOzC0HLtEexIxXejTe7kwdK2V0kA5EsMS313RMoa64qeYPIm8zJTPlYgORjjLvAV8g1Q.XmHAss6rdhMKLAARvvufsqTiPUQ0-fcDNx_9S9lDhrs&dib_tag=se&keywords=maggie+dent+girlhood&qid=1739536241&sprefix=Maggie+dent%2Caps%2C540&sr=8-1

Being clean isn't a "nice to do" its a "need to do" for health reasons as well as social reasons.

He's an idiot. She's going to get badly bullied if he doesn't insist. Girls are vicious.

Is he just finding the path of least resistance? He needs to parent her. Making sure she hits minimum hygiene requirements (daily teeth brushing, daily showering or bathing, relatively frequent hair washes) is just a basic part of being a parent.

Consequences for her opting out would fix this. For instance it might work easier for everyone if she showers as soon as she gets home from school - comfies on and then time on devices (or whatever she does on an evening). Might not be his or your way of doing things but if it works better for her.

Lazy man, lazy father, suiting himself.
She will be bullied and it will get ugly.

Couldn't be with a man so willing to put him first ahead of his child.

He does tell her to shower everyday which she mostly does, she gets her hair wet at least. She just isn't washing properly when shes in there.

He has read the first book you recommend @ShelfyElfy25

Has he discussed periods with her? I still remember the fishy stinky girl at school... Barely remember anyone else... Stern words not pampering with products... Nobody in society wants to stand next to a smelly person.

Does she live with you?

I think it’s unacceptable among boys to smell these days too, they have got a lot more image/grooming conscious since we were young. Girls even more so.

Buy her a natural deodorant (eg Wild) and tell her she needs to wash under her armpits with soap to kill the smell producing germs. You could do it in a biological information way, “as we grow up we get smellier, this is what people do to avoid BO”, rather than “you smell bad, use deodorant and wash”.

You can’t make her use either but at least she has the information.

please do buy some period products too and tell her she can talk to you if she has any questions about that as I’m guessing her dad will do nothing about that either. This is one area I don’t think you can leave to him.

Then if she comes out of the bathroom and it's clear she hasn't washed properly then he sends her back in.

Some of the very popular girls at my school from very nice homes used to bully a couple of the girls who smelled, or didn't have nice clothes. So YANBU, but I just want to make you aware of another issue.
Sometimes children who have been neglected or abused don't take care of themselves. In their case there's more to the problem than not knowing how to do it. Try to access some counselling for her, just in case its a deeper issue; because its really not normal to not want to be clean.

I've painted him badly from this post alone, he is a very involved and loving father.
He does tell her to shower, shes just not doing it properly and when offering someone helps her or discussing details of what she needs to do she gets annoyed or upset and says she does that or doesn't need to .
She is also not disgustingly filthy, shes just not clean enough most of the time.

But I will be encouraging him to keep pushing it with her.

Surely she showers each morning before school? Or just before bed on a school night?
I'd say if she slacks off on the weekends and doesn't bother then, that's not so bad.
But I'd be concerned that she was happy/willing to go into school stinking?
I think showers on school days need to be non negotiable. As well as regular laundry. If bribery is the only way forward then consider that.
I'm inclined to think once she starts feeling like she wants to date (boys or girls) the issue will get undoubtedly improve. But I guess that might not be for quite a while.

Very much this.

Just to say it will sort itself out is burying his head in the sand.
We've all met adults who smell and its extremely awkward to tell another adult that this. In the workplace it becomes HRs job.
He should be talking to her about it while she's still a child imo.

Regarding periods, I dont believe that is an issue at the moment but is definitely something hes explained to her and made sure she has access to the things she would need.
I've made an effort to mention mine occasionally so it feels like a normal topic she can bring up.

He needs to send her back in if she hasn’t washed properly. When one of mine come out the bathroom claiming teeth done after 30 seconds they can spin on the spot and go back in.

Does she enjoy shopping and picking things? I have one who does and will buy all the lotions and potions and one who doesn’t. Much easier with the one who does as you can get them to pick something they really want to use.

also make sure you’ve got a good strong laundry detergent. Lots of body sprays around for her to grab. She could know she smells and is too embarrassed to ask for what she actually wants so just a shelf or cupboard filled with her having the know that it’s for anyone to use so she can just grab freely.

Going slightly against the grain here but why does she need to shower every day? How dirty can she really be?

Also, you don't seem to be interested in the why, just how to get her to do it. Why doesn't she wash properly? Is she lazy? Skin issues? Anxious about something?

I would suggest your partner talk to her, approach it from the angle of being concerned something is making her not want to do it and he wants to see if he can help. Maybe try it when it's just the 2 of them in the car.

Also, make sure he's aware that her hormones are probably starting to be a PITA to her and that won't be helping.

Does she have everything she needs in the bathroom? He might just be the kind of guy who hand washes in the shower using a 4-in-1 soap and grabbing whatever towel is available.

Does she have, for instance, a couple of shower pouffe things? A nice smelling shower gel, her own big fluffy towel? Is door able to be locked?

Maybe he takes her out and kits her out with her own washbag - or better yet a female adult she looks up to could drag her along on her own shopping trip and lit her out with some matching supplies?

Does she know she can keep her hair up and dry for 75% of her showers? Or is he expecting her (like he might) to wash her hair every single shower?

Tbh if she gets embarrassed when you bring it up, good! If she has to be embarrassed into taking a shower at least she’s taking a shower. My daughter has just asked to be moved in a lesson because she sits near a girl (age 11) that clearly doesn’t shower or brush her hair. She also has some disgusting habits like boogy eating and scab picking and my daughter is revolted by her. She hasn’t said why she wants to move just said that she can’t see the board properly but some kids will not be as discreet as humiliate the child who smells.

Going slightly against the grain here but why does she need to shower every day? How dirty can she really be?

Good point - at this rate, maybe even an agreement she does a hair washing shower one of the weekend days and then a weekday shower after school on days she's had PE?

My dd hates the shower and would not wash her hair or body properly at that age but she is better with a bath. I would have to run it for her.

My dc does have extra needs and I had to make her wash/do hair/clean teeth etc. Once a pupil pointed out she had greasy hair and she didn’t like it so when she is lazy about it, I remind her she doesn’t want anyone to mention it and it’s much nicer to be clean.

I do think it’s difficult for a ten year old to wash their hair thoroughly.

Ten is still primary school. I would help her with her hair if she would accept it.

Does she have self esteem issues ? As often the two can be linked.

I'm not surprised she's getting upset, being told you stink isn't pleasant even when said in the most loving way.

If it's hard to have the conversation/it doesn't help to talk about it, he could leave a book about being a teen and body changing etc where she can find it.

It's a difficult thing to deal with sensitively and just telling her off/having a stern word probably won't help.

For what it's worth I don't think girls should have to put more efforts into their appearance than boys (personally I find make up a massive waste of time and money and don't use any), but being clean is important so you can't let the issue go unfortunately.