DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

[LemonExpert]

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

@LemonExpert keep bringing it up. Her dad needs to send her back in the shower if it hasn’t been done properly. I do that with my eldest (boy). Keep sending him back until he’s washed properly. Same with teeth. He argues and complains that’s part and parcel of growing up. I talk to him and explain the importance of hygiene: he doesn’t care 🤣 but one day he will. As you said better embarrassed at home than at school as kids are brutal.

Going slightly against the grain here but why does she need to shower every day?

because she smells?

Kids at that age start to either refuse to shower completely - for no other reason than they can't be bothered, or they shower 5 times a day 😂

In many families, it's a daily fight but that's normal. You don't make it optional, they have to wash properly full stop.

If she hasn't started puberty yet, then she isn't going to smell after 24 hours without a shower.

I went through this with my eldest. I just had to get very firm with her. She got out of the shower, I checked she was clean. Nails/hair/a general sniff. If she smelled, she was sent straight back in the bathroom to do it again. If she smelled, I firmly but politely pointed it out and explained in simple words what she should be doing. It's not pleasant to have to do, I agree, but the parent has to be the adult here. It's our job. She got there eventually and manages OK now. The main problem we had was that she struggled to clean herself properly after using the toilet so you can all imagine what she smelled like. Yes, it might cause some embarrassment, but tough.

Deodorant soap (shield). Nail brush. Clean face cloth every day, and various deodorants until we found one that worked. Wet wipes for the toilet.

her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell.

but she does...

My 10yo doesn't shower / bathe every single day and he doesn't smell. If every day is a battle then start with every other day and work from there. Can someone take her to the shops to get her some nice products she will want to use? If

She has plenty of nice products and she does enjoy shopping for them, she just doesn't use them. She will spray perfume over her self but it doesn't change the fact her hair is greasy and shes dirty underneath

A couple of months ago she got slime in her hair and I helped her wash it in the sink and we thought great one of us will do that for her. But Its been suggested regularly since that she has help washing her hair and she freaks out and says shes she not a baby and can do it herself.

If she’s showering most days, even if she’s not washing everywhere as thoroughly as you think (although I’m not sure how you know this? 🤔), then she shouldn’t smell. What kind of smell is it? Could it be her clothes? Food smells on her? Cigarette smoke lingering on her?

She needs to be washing her pits properly with soap (not shower gel). I drummed this into my son as he still stank after coming out of the shower (and he was only 10). He’s got into the routine now after many times of me saying “in the shower and do a double pit wash!” - then deodorant on straight away. He needs to insist on her showering and washing properly - unless he wants his daughter to be the smelly child that no one wants to be friends with.

Then she has to get in the shower and prove she can do it herself. If it's not done, then it's washed by an adult over the sink with a towel round the neck, and she has set hair washing days. It is not optional.

In my experience you will need to be strict on this on a daily basis for a few weeks until the habits are in place.

I worked in a school and by year 4 some of the children needed deodorant after PE as they smelled very sweaty. They are 8/9 years old. Fortunately a lot were peer led and started bringing roll on or stick deodorants in as it seemed very grown up. It also saw a transition from vests in year 3 to crop tops in year 4. We have at least 1 or 2 children start their periods in year 4 too. Sanitary bins were in place in year 4 toilets and upwards.

She needs to wash her pits with bar soap. He needs to talk to her or you do. From a school point of view it doesn't look great if a child repeatedly comes in with greasy hair and smells, it looks like poor parenting.

Does she smell of BO or is it another smell? If she is showering 3/4 times a week she should be fine. If she only wants to wash her hair once a week get her some dry shampoo to help. Does she enjoy a bath or do you only have a shower? 10 is a funny age not quite a child not quite a tween. Try putting a waterproof speaker or radio in the shower, she may stay in longer.

Failing that, take her to get her hair done nice maybe? Take her swimming once a week?

I hate showering, I mean hate, and have to force myself to get in. I make sure I have 3 a week but get washed every morning.

If I could afford it, I would go to the hairdressers every week for a wash and blow dry.

To be honest I just don't like the sensation of being in water.

I used to be like this, I couldn’t stand being told what to do so if I was told to shower I’d turn the shower on and stand in the bathroom pretend I was showering maybe wet myself a little. I have no idea why I can only think it’s because I was told to. I grew out of it at 16 and now bath or shower twice a day. I think bribery would have worked for me at that age.

I agree the issue is her feeling low in confidence and struggling with growing up but she isn't helping herself by not being clean.
DH is aware that shes insecure which is why hes taken the approach that we should be kind to her and not make her feel embarrassed at home. When he has told her that she smells and needs to do more, she will burst into tears and shout that he hates her which obviously is difficult for him.

He needs to ignore the tears. You don't have to be cruel, you just say nope, not washed properly, back in you go and try again, and once you're clean we will do X thing that you like.

A costly trip but in the mean time would she accept the thinking it’s a nice treat to get her hair washed and styled by the hairdresser?

Not every week but to it might make it a nicer experience a grown up treat where she might be more willing to let someone pamper her at home with the fancy hair washing.

My son started secondary school last September and although he washed, he didn't wash properly/enough. I was stern and straight to the point with him. I told him you don't want to be known as the smelly kid at school and luckily my 'harsh' as some may think conversation worked cos he smells lovely all the time 😂 I think sometimes kids just need telling properly, might upset them for a short time but it's better than them being bullied throughout school just because we didn't want to hurt their feelings.

My dd was an absolute shower dodger between the ages of 9-13.

Now she’s a bloody nightmare. I’m twice a day for hours on end.

OP what exactly does she smell of? You’ve not answered this.

To me, this sounds like a potential self-confidence issue. You say she's not helping herself by not being clean. On the surface, that makes sense. But think of it as a self-worth issue, not just a self-confidence issue.

Work on helping her improve her self worth and self confidence, and the hygiene will come. Telling her that she smells/needs to shower better/needs help washing her hair, will just further damage her image of herself.

Without needing to give all the details, what is she smelling of?

If she is getting in the shower, it's hard to understand how she is not washing properly. Is she not using soap at all?

I am wondering if there may be a fungal infection as those can have a smell but will need specific treatment to clear up properly - soap won't work. Can look a bit like eczema? Possibly in skin creases around arm put?

If it is toilet related then that is a separate issue and discussions should be had sensitively but clearly about it including provision of wet wipes as needed.

My step daughter went through a phase of this at around the same age. Same issue you describe with yours.

There was a lot of no “no go and wash your hair again” etc etc involved. I was never directly involved but did deliberately indirectly try and help. Via general chats about products I like etc. Turned out nobody, least of all her mother, had explained how to wash her (very thick) hair correctly to her. Showed her how to dry it nicely etc. So I did. It did really help.

She’s mid teens now and most certainly not a soap dodger!

She should not be refusing showers unless she was ND. We have an ND child but I make sure hygiene happens

She hasnt had her hair cut for a year, refuses and says shes growing it. But because its always a bit greasy it doesn't actually look unhealthy, i would kill for her hair. Shes also been offered and even booked to have spa treatments, a massage, nails etc but has refused to go, obviously she is embarrassed and knows she isnt clean so doesn't want other people to know but refuses to do anything about it.

My kid would still stink now if we'd gone with this approach. Some of them need clear instructions as to what 'wash yourself' actually means. And then they need someone to rate their efforts as pass/fail.

Sometimes the problem is that they don't know how to clean themselves properly and need some help to learn.