DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

[LemonExpert]

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

Yes, she needs to wash everyday and frankly it's easier to have her soak in the bath, with some nice bath salts or bubble bath, than take a shower where the soaking effect won't come into play.

You should also take her to the hairdresser for a wash/cut/style and prep your hairdresser to have a chat about how often she should wash her hair.

It's good of you to step in to try to fix your partner's major parenting fail.

Cleanliness is a big deal at this age. If she's smelly and her hair is greasy and she gets upset when the subject is brought up, she might have been bullied about her hygiene already. She might have to be shown how to scrub her body.

One of my kids is ND and had an issue with showering around that age. She picked washcloths and towels she liked and used soap instead of shower gel. I also started washing her hair in the sink with a bit of a scalp massage and blow drying after and that turned from a dreaded chore into a pleasant time spent together and a nice way to wind down in the evening.

Your partner needs to have the uncomfortable conversations and stop half assing parenting. He's got periods and safety and sex and contraception coming up.

I also don't think it is a sensory / ND issue as there was no evidence of this when she was younger.
I think it's a confidence/self esteem issue as well as laziness and wanting to test the boundaries

When I was at primary school, aged 9-10 a classmate, Nina, was given a bath once a week and does not seem to have washed her bits in between.

The entire school called her "Smell-ina", some even chanted it at her as she walked by.

You need to save your DSD from that!

Why is it not routine that she has a bath before bed?!

Would she soak in a bath if you ran it rather than the shower?

Because her dad is lazy

We have a bath, she says she prefers showers but if bath has been run for her in the past I assume she is just sitting down so shes wet and getting back out, the same as she does in the shower.

Well yes, she could. It's not going to be the same "post puberty" BO smell but she can still get sweaty and smelly if she isn't washingq effectively. And then if clothes aren't being washed often enough or thoroughly enough it can still be noticeable to others.

I agree that without judgement on her, she needs to have it clearly explained to her how to wash and when. Just like she may have a list of rules for when she turns phone off, or does homework, or goes to bed, cleaning teeth, brushing hair, daily underwear change (got out for her if necessary) washing, bathing should be a straightforward part of this same daily routine. It’s important!
However, I disagree on the additional stuff like face stuff, fancy products, spa, nails … she’s 10 and just may not want that yet.
my DD did not want this at this age - and i found it difficult as i like things like that. I really had to learn to accept she was different and respect that. In the end i left her to it - now she loves it - but she was late teens before she really adopted make up and facial stuff. This is different to basic routine hygiene health care which should be as mandatory as any other health rule IMHO!!! X

I can remember the smelly kids being bullied - or just not included - too. Maybe baths are easier? You can run it for her at night with bubble bath and that might do the trick? My daughter has always preferred bathing to showering. TBF though it could well sort itsel out. My kids always enjoyed going camping when they were little because they didn't have to wash for a few days (among other reasons), but both are now obsessive about washing now they're in their teens.

It always has been routine and DH is still insisting she showers every evening and with some fuss at least 6/7 nights a week she will go in the bathroom and come out wet.
Shes just obviously not actually washing properly when shes in there

Is the house cold, meaning she doesn't want to actually get in the shower properly?

Has she got actual antiperspirant deodorant that she likes, and not just expected to wash / a body spray?

I'd tell her Dad that she looks as if she's being neglected, and he needs to be firm on this or he'll get in trouble.

Maybe people telling her how to wash is making her feel as if they think she's stupid? She might feel as if she should know how to wash and be embarrassed by the whole conversation.
My partner's daughter had not been told that girls need to wipe from front to back, or that washing your vulva with soap can give you an infection - these are not things men tend to learn!
You could bring up topics like this without sounding lectuing or as if you're saying she's stupid by saying e.g.:
"When I was your age I didn't know you had to wipe from front to back and I got an infection"
"I was watching TV/reading an article and it said that some girls don't know they should avoid wshing their vulva with soap"
"We had an argument at work today. Some people thougt you should shower twice a day and some thought once a day is about right. What do you think?"
Or watch some reality TV and talk about what people's washing routine might be to get their lovely shiny hair.

Year 6 classrooms are well known for being the stinkiest in the school apparently. My dd was like this when younger. It is in all likelihood a phase and your dsd will eventually get past it. As if a switch went off, dd then suddenly wanted to shower every day and wouldn’t shower unless washing her hair. I said no so she settled into every other day. It is only now at 16 she’s suddenly started to shower every day and wash her hair twice a week. Dd did always shower properly though if less than I would have liked.

In your place I would run your dsd a bubble bath 3 times a week. Have set days so that they correspond to PE / activity days. She can wash her hair in that and the bubbles will soak away the dirt on her body. If she still needs help with her hair, perhaps insist she washes it in the sink with you. Sometimes you just have to ignore the objections.

A proper soak even if sitting still might make her a little less smelly.

Does she like bath toys still? My nearly 9 year old will still have a made dash with a few ducks or a Barbie. Gets the hair wet pretending to swim. My older girl wasn’t ever like that though so again harder.

Dry shampoo if someone else does her hair before school?

Ds is 11 and left to his own devices would stink. Like your dsd he wasn't washing properly in the shower. I was patient at first but then reverted to being really blunt. 'Mate you need a proper shower, you smell. Armpits, bum and widge need a proper wash, hair needs washing with shampoo. If you don't do it properly, and use deodorant afterwards I will come in and sit and tell you what to do'. Worked a treat.

Also does she know how much product to use? Sounds daft but ds broke his arm so I was loading the shower puff and leaving shampoo in a deodorant lid. He commented that there was a lot of bubbles so don't think he had been using enough.

I work with a woman who smells and I have dry-heaved going into a loo after she'd used it. The smell of rotten privates was unreal.
This kid needs a hygiene routine- non-negotiable- before puberty kicks in for real and she becomes the girl no-one wants to sit beside.
Can you write her a tick-list like a younger child?In shower, wash face, hair, neck and ears, bellybutton, extra attention to underarms and private parts as they smell more, clean between toes. Come out, brush teeth and done.

As long as there's products in the bath not just water then a soak will definitely mean she doesn't smell.
I wondered if any ND also (DS is a soap dodger, ASD, hates getting wet, hates drying himself etc etc)

Can you both go for a blow dry? So she knows what it’s like to have clean and beautifully styled hair? (I’ve not had one for a while but it is a nice feeling!)

Both DH and I would happily wash her hair for her, she has long hair and i know that it can be difficult to wash properly but she refuses and gets upset at any offers.

I know people are saying to ignore her objections or her getting upset but how do you actually do that? Neither of us can force a crying and screaming 10 year olds head into the sink to wash her hair or physically put her in the bath/shower and wash her.

Please note that shower gels are not adequate cleaners. Soap needed underarms and between legs.

Nonsense.

With long hair she refuses to wash properly or get help with. Honestly it would be a hair cut to get it to a shorter more manageable length and thinning again so the thickness is easier for her.

She would have to pick one option she gets help till she learns or it’s a big chop and she proves she can wash it.

But I wouldn’t worry about her being upset either and would be quite clear that it smells and she needs to pick one option before the bullies start coming her way and she becomes the child nobody wants to play with or sit near. That I love her but I don’t want her picked on so she needs to let me help her help her so pick.

I mean honestly, upset her at this point?! I have 9 & 11yo girls, if they smell, I tell them. My eldest is now concerned with this herself and usually asks me to smell her hair for her and ask if it needs washing. The younger one isn’t AS fussed but if I told her she smells, she’d care.

sometimes you don’t need to be delicate, you need to be straight with her.

‘DSD, I have tried to be kind but I don’t think not being direct has helped. I bought a lovely soap for you last week but it doesn’t seem to have been used. Is there a reason you’re only washing with water?’

‘DSD, you need to use the products I’m getting for you otherwise you can end up still smelling like sweat, do you not like them?’

’DSD, I know you’re not a baby but if you aren’t going to wash your hair properly I’m going to have to help you. Why don’t you do it and I’ll check you’ve rinsed properly at the end? It can be tricky to know you’ve done it all yourself’