DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

[LemonExpert]

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

This.

Some kids don't know how to clean themselves and can't articulate it very well/are too embarrassed to say so.

Take her swimming, then she'll smell like bleach for 4 days a week.

I found my dc could wash their hair with the shampoo but found it difficult to rinse it out properly so I would help her at that stage.

I think some kids find it easy to keep themselves clean or maybe they are not particularly smelly but others find it hard.
I remember when my dc used to have a shower after swimming and everyone was happily washing quickly and got themselves out with no fuss and my dc found the whole thing difficult.

I would say the main smell is from the greasy hair and general BO.

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't absolutely stink and as far as I'm aware it hasnt been mentioned by anyone else yet, shes just never looks or smells clean enough.

@LemonExpert sorry but I feel you might need to guide her. dad is obviously not doing it properly. if she doesnt get this into a routine now then she will forever be known as the smelly girl all through school and that would be a shame. take her a buy some soaps, not shower gels. soaps stay on the body longer. tell her how to wash herself then rinse herself and use an antiperspirant. tell her about her periods and how at those times she will need extra showers because periods do stink. be good to her. and tell her she needs clean clothes every day, especially knickers. x

A 10 year old if either sex shouldn't be smelling that bad even of they don't shower daily. Is she putting clean clothes on?

Of course it isn't unreasonable. It's not about beauty or being girly. If she stinks she stinks. Being unhygienic is unacceptable. Keeping good bodily hygiene is a life skill.

Poor thing. Thing is, if she is roundly excluded (and she will be, even by the nice kids), she will miss out on the opportunity to learn social skills at the same time as her peers, to learn the social language and ways of the people she's surrounded by. If she suddenly decides to be clean and fit in at 16, her peers will be much less forgiving about social missteps she will make as a result of having grown up being kept apart from the normal teenage world - the kind of missteps that would be par for the course for younger kids but would affect her social standing as an older kid. Maybe if you explain that to her, she'll realise how important it is not to make herself such a target for exclusion. (And I am a huge advocate for inclusion usually - smell is a totally different thing. If someone was making loud noises or flashing light in people's eyes, they'd be told sharply to stop - and smell is as intrusive, can cause headaches etc.)

Just wanted to say, you sound like a really lovely and thoughtful step-mum. I hope he recognises these ‘small’ things you’re doing for her because it’s very easy for them to go unnoticed but how lucky he and that girl are to have a person in their life who does things like mentioning periods and writes on online forums for advice to figure out how to help her.

edited because quoting OP’s message went wrong 😑

Then you have to point out that she isn’t doing it herself

I do think at age 10 it is the parents’ responsibility to make sure their child is clean and presentable. It’s not up to the child. That’s year 5/6 isn’t it? She obviously needs more support/guidance/reminding which bits to wash.

It's not your place to action this. Your DH has said leave her to it, so that is what you do.

She will soon get in the shower when the bullying starts.

Has anyone ever actually told her how to wash herself? (Especially if her mum hasn't been in her life since she was tiny?) Mine are 5 and 2, and DH thought it was fine for them to just soak in a bubble bath without actually being washed - which it probably is at this point, but by the time they really do need to know how to wash their privates and armpits etc, they definitely don't want someone in the bathroom supervising! I had to persuade DH that now is the time to teach them, so that it's routine by the time they need it to be. I've had to be quite graphic with DS5 both about bum wiping and washing with a flannel in the bath, in terms of where exactly the poo comes out of and where he needs to be wiping/washing. Could it be that nobody's ever made these things explicit to her?

Does she respond better to prompting from you or dad?
my DH is a wonderful step dad, but there are still things that the kids are more comfortable with me doing.

What does "doesn't do it properly" mean? She's having the shower. Is she not using shampoo at all or just not rinsing well enough?

I agree, but if she's never done it properly belly button groin bum crack etc it will be pretty stinky. That needs to be overcome then a quick splash everywhere every other day and a shower altering might be enough. My gran used to call it a daily lick and a promise. The promise being to fit properly next time.

My DD couldn't rinse conditioner out of her thick hair properly at this age but didn't want me to come and do it.
She ended up using a 2 in 1 shampoo and then a spritz of detangling spray once out.

Maybe you do need to get involved OP, I imagine a 10 year old girl is quite embarrassed that her dad is telling her how to wash and I am guessing he’s never explicitly taught her.

Maybe time to be a bit more stern but in a loving way- maybe, make a sink hair wash twice a week a non-negotiable?

Because she never washes, not because she washes every day or two.

Does she struggle with sensory issues if she’s also unwilling to have a hair cut etc?

Going slightly against the grain here but why does she need to shower every day? How dirty can she really be?

And this is where hygiene issues in adults stem from. An adult who stinks won't immediately shower everyday, if it was ok to skip it when they were a child. I've only ever seen this attitude in this country though. It's hygienic to shower or bath everyday. Before the lazy not good for your skin brigade comes, I have two kids with eczema and no dermatologist has ever said not to have a daily bath, just not hot water.

Kids are in school, run about, do sports, travel by public transport, etc. it is a no brainer that you need to clean yourself everyday.

My sd was like this. My dh did try it was actually her mum who just let her rot.
The issue didn't resolve itself, she had no friends, she smelt and looked dirty. My husband once heaved after she arrived or was appalling.
Def get involved and get sd into a good routine early before high school

DH has always been her main carer and when she was younger he always bathed her properly, washed and did her hair nicely.
When she was around 7/8 and he first started encouraging independence she was taught how to wash properly and was managing to do it well.
I've also supervised her in the bath and helped her wash her hair while she was younger and am certain she knows how to do it.
Its only the past year or so when shes at an age she wants complete privacy and independence so been left to her own devices that its dropped off.
Realistically DH (or I) cant demand to be in the bathroom with her to check or help her do anything if she doesn't want us to.

she shouldn't NEED to shower every day (no one should) IF she was doing it correctly. Which OP clearly states...

This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working,