DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

[LemonExpert]

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

Sounds like she stands under the shower... gets wet and then gets out again.... without soap actually being involved.

I have previously told my DS to get back in the shower when they've come out still unclean.

With due respect but I disagree. She’s 10 years old - a child. She obviously is unable to make decisions that are adequate for her therefore you have to. Now I understand that as her SM might be a bit tricker than as her actual biological mum but if you’re not comfortable doing so your H needs to. She needs strong boundaries and you are failing her here. I have had my kids say no, push boundaries but you have to be strong and enforce consequences. It’s up to you and your husband not her.

Re soap on genitals:
www.devonsexualhealth.nhs.uk/your-sexual-health/genital-hygiene-our-tips/

I would start by saying we're going to wash your hair today and I would do it early, not in the evening when she's tired. Don't offer. Say this is what we're doing. So it's not 'do you want me to help you wash your hair today? It's 'we're washing your hair today.' Get everything set up, bat away all arguments, ignore all tears. If she feels the need to cry, that's fine. It's only crying. You can often hustle a 10yo into doing something they don't want to do by not presenting it as optional. I would probably say it has to be done twice a week, but let her choose which 2 days, and then stick to those days.

When the hair has been washed, there's a reward afterward, and you tell her how well she did.

My DH was listening to a programme with Naga Munchetty on R5Live the other day and was shocked to learn that the average age of girls starting periods is now 10. The fact that she's smelling suggests that puberty has started, she may have some hairs under her arms which will trap sweat & become smelly if she doesn't do anything about it.

If other girls start to tell her that she smells she will start washing properly & asking for deodorants etc. But, obviously, it would be preferable if she didn't have to face that kind of bullying in the first place. Maybe put it to her - that if you can smell her other children can & they WILL comment. As PP have said girls can be little bitches sometimes.

One of my (now adult ) sons tried this at about the same age. If I couldn't smell shampoo in his hair or products on him after his shower he got sent straight back to do it again. I had to check he'd brushed his teeth too.

He's 34 now and smells nice!

It’s not different for girls.

Hygiene is hygiene. Is her father filthy too?

I'm not sure it will resolve itself tbh.

SD is 15 and has to be instructed to shower and even then will avoid it if she thinks she can get away with it. Getting her to shower or bathe three times in a week involves quite a bit of negotiation. Same for brushing her teeth and changing her clothes.

Honestly, if we left her to it, I'm very sure she would happily go at least a week and maybe longer in the same clothes (including sleeping) not washing at all.

I wish we'd come down on her a lot harder at 10 tbh instead of thinking it would get better.

A little day out together maybe? Lunch somewhere nice then a browse around the shops after, to include Lush who do some fun bath bits that might tempt her to spend a bit more time in the shower? Good luck OP. I was like this at her age and probably still would be if left to my own devices, but I’m neurodivergent and think it’s not uncommon for ‘us lot’.

I'm sure puberty has started by the increase in smell and that the existence of body hair and changes to her body is making her uncomfortable with washing herself.
The suggestion that she could remove hair, that someone could show or help her and then it might be easier to wash and she might be more comfortable, again caused tears and screamed accusations of bullying and humiliating her.

Has she had the changing bodies book?

I agree. He's letting her down. Parenting is just as much about doing the tough stuff that makes you unpopular with your kids as it is about being supportive and kind and their friend. If they like you all of the time you are doing it wrong.

She needs to be told and if he won't tell her then someone else who doesn't care about her feelings is going to, and it won't be pretty. Are you able to gently step in and offer some tough love and encouragement OP? Woman to girl? Perhaps your partner is squeamish about tackling stuff he feels a mother should be doing, if it relates to her starting puberty?

How is his housekeeping? Does she just smell of unwashed sweaty body, or is it more deep-seated than that? Is he doing her laundry frequently enough? Does she always have clean clothes and underwear when she needs them? Does she have her bedlinen changed regularly and are her pillows ready or mattress ready for the bin? Does he make sure her room is regularly aired, cleaned and tidied? There are two types of smelly person in my experience. There is BO from a sweaty unwashed body then there is that general stench of neglect and decay that seeps into everything about a person. It's hard to describe or define, but you know it when you smell it. Every teacher will be familiar with that smell and it usually affects an entire family rather than one stubborn child who isn't fond of showers. Could your DP be doing more to help her by staying on top of the housekeeping and laundry? It may not be all her fault.

Does this child have any sensory issues or behavioural/defiance issues?

She'll be starting her periods soon so this really needs addressing now.

It's not uncommon for sensory needs/ND to present as girls age up. It becomes harder to mask, or the demands on them change and therefore new stuff becomes problematic or makes it more clear.

Yes, shes had several. Dh has always been aware that being single dad to a daughter he needed to be clued up about that sort of thing. She has had it all clearly explained to her since she was little and its not a taboo subject in our house. A couple of years ago she would happily come bra shopping with me or to my waxing appointment and chat and ask about that sort of thing.

I remember being that age and shampooing my very long hair, and then not thoroughly rinsing the conditioner out, so my hair looked greasy quickly. I didn't realise it until one of my friend's mom's suggested it after I asked her about it. My mom was chronically ill and my dad was working a lot, so I was pretty much taking care of myself. There were no chats from what I recall about hygeine, periods, boys, dates, clothing, anything really, only criticism if I did something wrong.

Your SD not having biomom present much is probably affecting her too. I might really stress the being bullied at school element...basically wash yourself to protect yourself. Does your SD have a hobby or sport, or anything in which she excels? That helps self esteem.

Also are you absolutely sure she isn't high masking ND? This is the first thing that came to mind when I was reading your post. If your SD is doing OK at school, she can fly under the radar by masking all day, come home, and then just let out all that anxiety...it can manifest by not wanting to wash or not liking the feeling of water on her.

It's not different for girls. Me and my sister were grotbag soap dodgers, and when our daughters hit their teens, so were they!

Edit: my sister and her Dd are diagnosed ND, I mask much better so undiagnosed but highly likely i'm ND too. My DD has seemed NT but introverted thus far....fyi

Absolutely. OP, I might get her assessed. Knowing now will make things easier to handle later.

Laundry is done regularly, her room and the house are clean, more so because she isnt. Her bed is being changed once a week instead of every other and her pillow case everyday.
She wasn't changing her underwear daily and when confronted that enough pairs hadn't been washed I think she has just started to throw clean in to washed.

I was the DD in this position, DM left for affair partner, I was left to fend alone. I didn’t know that I smelled bad. Please spend loads of time with her, soap is best, in armpits, feet and face. Groin hot water or mix bath and showers. Hair - get a cut by telling her that it will grow faster with a trim. Make it fun, music with shower, treats with a hair dry, bath - bath bomb- pod cast - candle.

if she were an adult, I’d say these were signs of depression or anxiety. I dont have kids so I don’t know if all teens go through this phase (I didn’t).

I would stand back on this, especially as she is your SD. Give it a couple of years and you will be fighting to get into the bathroom as she titivates!

I have boys and used to do a check with they got out of the shower if they had washed properly so towel around waist. Basically smell hair (we use distinct shampoo) and checked for grease and check bo on armpits. Not pleasant for anyone but few times and they got the message to do a proper job first time.

I'm assuming she has a poof or something similar to wash with?

As others have said, you really have to emphasise how much grief she'll get at school for being the smelly girl. And it'll be really hard to shake off that label once she's got it. Any comments from her peers will be far more embarrassing than any comments she gets at home.

I insist on shower or bath every night and they leave underwear in basket out side door and I send them in with clean

Friends dd struggles with this. Friend has compromised on big wet wipes and gets he dd to do her pits and groin every morning and helps her apply deoderant.

You said it not likely to be ND cos she's not shown signs previously

I'd still say don't dismiss it as when puberty creeps closer, hormones changing and new brain development being ramped up to keep up with these changes CAN make you act differently than before

I'm currently reading a lovely book by Lisa Damour about teenage girls and she goes in depth about this sort of stuff, worth a read. It isn't long either, I'm on my second read

Some girls can't face their bodies changing and go into denial. All help is brushed off and ignored, slowly spiralling into a despair that they cannot communicate or know how to get out of

Gentle indirect communication could help, if there is an older girl in the family that could help her is she's not listening to either of you

It's tough to tackle as too much talk about this and invites to spas will just send her running for the hills.

She's embarrassed and her father shrugging about it won't help her self esteem, and as some have said, could lead to bullying

I personally struggled w self care when entering puberty, I felt out of control, scared and too embarrassed to even talk to my mum
Only as an adult I realised that a bit thing for me was hating shower, too cold before you go in, too noisy, half your body is wet and cold while the other is drenched under the shower.

Baths are soothing and relaxing. Even if she's just soaking in it that's a start, maybe run bubbles so there's soap in the water.

Take the pressure off and leave her in there as along as she wants and don't ask about whether she washed herself or to hurry up

This is crucial time where she will be seeking personal time and space

Also
Maybe introduce dry shampoo. Real handy and gets rid of the grease, maybe also treat her to a teen friendly perfume

The rest will follow!