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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

206 replies

LemonExpert · 14/02/2025 12:26

Step daughter is 10, I have known her and her dad since she was a toddler but have only been together for 3 years, he is overwise pretty much a single parent. I understand that not having her mum involved and her age makes things difficult for DSD.

Over the last year or so and I wont go into details but her hygiene is poor which shows in her appearance and smell. This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working, if it is brought up she just gets increasingly upset or annoyed.

DP has pretty much given up saying it's not that big a deal, that him and all his friends used to skip showers and smell at her age and that he doesn't want to be upsetting and embarrassing her. That we should leave her be, be kind to her and the problem will sort on her own.

I think hes letting her down massively and that it is very different for girls than it is boys, when I was her age I remember most girls starting to put extra effort into their appearances and unfortunately the ones being left out or bullied. I want this to be sorted quickly and think its better she be embarrassed and upset at home than teased at school.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this a normal phase that's not a big deal and should I not interfere?

OP posts:
ButterflyGrace · 16/02/2025 11:51

Sorry I haven't RTFT, but has anybody actually stopped and shown her how to wash her hair properly? Correct routine shampoo, shampoo conditioner etc? Sometimes it can be something so simple.

Rather than a shower, what about baths with nice bath bombs etc? I'm lazy and sometimes I can't be bothered to shower, so I'll have a soak in the bath instead

cannotmakemymindup · 16/02/2025 14:40

One suggestion for helping with hair or showers is when my DD10 needs help with her very curly hair, I get her to wear her swimming costume in the bath or shower. That way she maintains her privacy that she wants and needs but I can assist her or her dad can. It's how we did it when it came to shaving her legs, I showed her as well and she wore her costume. It works really well as there is no compromise on body autonomy but the task is completed.

ForeverLoveCeltic · 17/02/2025 01:22

Very easy to get properly clean in those areas using a sink wash, why on earth would it not be? Rather than lying in bath water, clean water in sink for each part, 10mins max.

verysmellyjelly · 17/02/2025 11:25

Definitely try the "swimming costume on in shower" thing so you can help and coach her more. I would buy a scalp massager (the kind intended for shower use) that is not too hard, but relatively soft silicone. I have a Champo one which was pricey but I like it because it doesn't feel prickly! Helps me a lot with getting my hair to feel clean as an autistic woman with disabilities that make showering quite hard. I know that sounds like massive overkill for your DSD's situation, but I definitely remember showering as a teenager feeling like a hellish nightmare, and I didn't do it near as often as I should have. It's good there is more recognition of ways to help and make it easier now. The scalp massager is used with shampoo to get it properly distributed in the hair so your hair gets really cleaned by it.

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 12:32

10 is not grown up enough to be dealing with it all by herself even if that's what she thinks she wants.
I would be tough and insist she accepts help, now, leaving it as not to upset her is only going to cause her further upset.

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