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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit nervous about Dh coming home..

215 replies

EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:07

... because he's always disappointed in what I've got done? I'm always mentally rehearsing how I can 'play up' what I've done.

He'll nod, and then a few minutes later he'll ask what else I've done. And he'll just make me feel that he's so disappointed. He's at work all day, I'm at home with the kids, blah de blah.

And to his credit, he does do stuff in the house, when he's got exasperated with the fact that I haven't done it.

Today, I've done a couple of washing and managed to get them on the line to dry. I've washed up, cleaned surfaces and cleaned the kitchen floor, and tidied the front room ready for him to vacuum (I can't push the vacuum round myself) Plus looked after four children under 7.

But I just know it's not going to be good enough, and I'm feeling really crappy about that today.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 08/05/2008 17:11

Leave him something to warm up in teh Microwave and take the kids to the park.

Lauriefairycake · 08/05/2008 17:12

"Plus looked after 4 children under 7"

Get a fucking grip woman! That is hard bloody work.

Try to go easier with yourself - if he makes comments then that's just shit.

"he's always disappointed" - there is no polite way to say this but if he is disparaging then he is a twat with a capital T.

orangina · 08/05/2008 17:12

How much of that is being generated by him, and how much is it being generated by you?

I am a firm beleiver in good enough by the way (ie, not perfect, but it will do...). Life is too short. Are you a bit of a perfectionist?

orangina · 08/05/2008 17:13

You shouldn't feel nervous though, what a horrible thing to have hanging over you all day...

Mercy · 08/05/2008 17:13

If you've got 4 children under 7 you must be on the go all day!

Do you ask him what he's done all day?

Or you could write a detailed list of what you have done and just hand it over to him.

(sorry I'm probably not beign very helpful, just very annoyed on your behalf)

bringmesunshine · 08/05/2008 17:13

Don't mention it to him and if he asks just say I have done the same as always.

It is a lovely day and far too nice to be worrying about housework.

If he can't see that tell him to naff off.

Is he always like this?

bringmesunshine · 08/05/2008 17:15

You have 4 children under 7 and he asks you what you has done all day

Get your largest frying pan out and wrap it round his overstuffed head would be my advice if he utters a word.

How bloody dare he?

belgo · 08/05/2008 17:15

You shouldn't feel nervous about your dh coming home! What's he going to do, tell you off for not working hard enough???(when it sounds like you've done loads!)

meemar · 08/05/2008 17:17

My answer to unreasonable husbands like this is always the same.

If you worked out of the house, and your job was to look after someone else's children all day, would that not be considered work?

Would he demand to know your daily itinerary?

Would he expect you to do all the housework on top of your full-time job?

If not, why do men expect this when your job is looking after your own children.

And if yes, then he needs a housekeeper, not a wife.

minster · 08/05/2008 17:21

Why do you tolerate being treated like a child?

Why should you have to explain to him what you've been doing?

He sounds like a prick ... I really can't get my head around this type of relationship.

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:26

I know, I know. He's always talking about how it'll be better when I'm 'on top of the house a bit more'.

I'm not a perfectionist - far from it. I'm trying and trying to be good at it all- shining my bleedin' sink and all that. I'm looking around at it, and yes, there's a bit of clutter.

Oh, I don't know, I used to enjoy all this. he'll tell me how tired he is, and I know, he's working really hard right now. he came home yesterday and I was sitting in the garden with the kids, and the first thing out of his mouth was a moan that there was some rabbit hay on the patio.

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 08/05/2008 17:28

agree with meemar

  1. invent a "serious" reason for having to be out of the house for whole day one of these upcoming weekends ...(must visit ailing elderly aunt for example)
  1. go out for the whole day ...at least 8 hrs
  1. leave the dc in your dh's care ...
  1. have a great day out (treat yourself) and come home to dh with a whole new attitude ...

go on, I dare you ....

franke · 08/05/2008 17:28

Go out for the day and leave him with the kids to look after. It might give him some perspective.

Countingthegreyhairs · 08/05/2008 17:29

Great minds Franke!

VictorianSqualor · 08/05/2008 17:29

I've got three children under 7, and I find I can just about get an hour to tidy up if I'm lucky, in that hour I blitz the house and if anything ain't done, it ain't flipping done!

If DP dared to ask me what I'd done I'd flip.

eenybeeny · 08/05/2008 17:30

I am really sad for you. This is unreasonable behaviour on his part. You are being undermined and it is a form of emotional abuse. I think you need some sort of outside help - FOR HIM and maybe for your self esteem.

belgo · 08/05/2008 17:31

Agree with franke, but don't just leave him with the kids, but also leave him with a long list of chores to get down!

MrsTittleMouse · 08/05/2008 17:31

I love how you through it in almost as an afterthought - "oh and by the way, I have four children under seven". I am so impressed, I have one toddler and a pregnancy and I'm struggling today. You must be superwoman.

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:32

lol He does let me have a couple of hours completely to myself most weekends, and he does bathtime with them everyday. He doesn't do nothing in the house, but he does get cheesed off because I don't do as much as he would like me to.

I saw someone elses thread and realized how I was feeling about it, and it just struck me how odd it was to be feeling like this.

It's like I'm waiting for my parents to get home, and I'll try and look 'busy' when he comes in. Bloody ridiculous.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 08/05/2008 17:32

This isn't normal you know that don't you? He has no bloody right to enquire how you spent your day. If your children are fed, clean, happy and alive at the end of the day nothing else matters. In fact if he feels you need a hand getting on top of the housework and he is not willing to be that 'hand' tell him to pay for a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. on your behalf.

fryalot · 08/05/2008 17:35

when he starts you should ask him if he married you for your fantastic housekeeping abilities.

I'm guessing he didn't.

You could ask him if when the children were conceived, his first thought was "at least they will be brought up in a sterile environment"

I'm guessing it wasn't.

You can also ask him if he ever feels like doing the housework when he has finished work.

I'm guessing he doesn't.

Your "job" is to look after the children. Any housework that you can fit around that job is an extra. He needs to understand this.

sallyforth · 08/05/2008 17:36

hah! I've got one under 7 and i never do as much as that!
when dh comes home he moans so I tell him to joly well do it himself if he's that bothered!

because back when the roles were reversed (he was unemployed and sat playing computer games all day while I was pg AND working full time) I ended up doing all the housework when I got home.

so every time I feel faintly guilty for playing with ds inst of scrubbing the floor, I just remind myself of that time and like Domestos it kills all known guilt... DEAD.

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:38

I know he doesn't see it like that. We're just at a place of re-negotiation about things in the marriage, and we both operated on a very traditional model beforehand. I've been ill for a long time, but I'm recovering, and I think he was hoping that I would be a lot better at being a wife than I actually am

meh. Having a really bobbins day, despite the sun.

OP posts:
Heifer · 08/05/2008 17:38

you are a stay at home MUM, not a houswife...

you are there to look after the children, that is your role during the day time, and any household chores that you managed to get done is a bonus.....

As you sure that he is disappointed in your achievements or are you reading too much into this - and are YOU the one that is disappointed in what you have achieved?

I know that when I first had DD I really thought that I would be a great SAHM and Housewife and that the house would be clean and tidy and that dinner would be ready when DH came home from work - then I learnt that hard lesson that I am not my mum!! who did seem to manage this somehow..

I now understand that my role is to look after DD and if we go out for the whole day and have fun then I have achieved something and the housework will have to be done later on with DHs help.....

serenity · 08/05/2008 17:51

My friends DH is a bit like this, and as much as I like him there's always this little voice in my head reminding me what a wanker he must be to upset her so much over something so bleeding trivial.

I wish I could suggest something, other than burying him under the hay strewn patio!

Do you think he'll ever change? Do you think you can learn to ignore it if he keeps doing it? I mean, he can be as 'disappointed' as he likes, but if you let it go - treat it like a toddler tantrum, don't give it the reward of attention - then maybe it won't get you down? At the end of the day it's his problem, not yours (his unrealistic expectations) and he shouldn't be loading them onto you.

(trying really hard not to be too 'lynchy' as I'm sure he must have good points that make up for this - nobody's perfect! If he doesn't.......well, then you need to look at whether it's worth another 20/30 years of this)

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