Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit nervous about Dh coming home..

215 replies

EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:07

... because he's always disappointed in what I've got done? I'm always mentally rehearsing how I can 'play up' what I've done.

He'll nod, and then a few minutes later he'll ask what else I've done. And he'll just make me feel that he's so disappointed. He's at work all day, I'm at home with the kids, blah de blah.

And to his credit, he does do stuff in the house, when he's got exasperated with the fact that I haven't done it.

Today, I've done a couple of washing and managed to get them on the line to dry. I've washed up, cleaned surfaces and cleaned the kitchen floor, and tidied the front room ready for him to vacuum (I can't push the vacuum round myself) Plus looked after four children under 7.

But I just know it's not going to be good enough, and I'm feeling really crappy about that today.

OP posts:
serenity · 08/05/2008 17:57

'I think he was hoping that I would be a lot better at being a wife than I actually am '

I think I missed the job description when I married DH - afaic, being a 'good wife' is loving your Dh, and not running off with the milkman, nothing to do with cleaning and trying to be some perfect 50's stereotype. You're raising your children and getting yourself well - he should be kissing your feet in gratitude every evening

lucyellensmum · 08/05/2008 18:11

blimey - "bobbins" ive not heard that for a while - made me smile

I am very sad though that your DH makes you feel this way - it must be mentally very draining. I am very for you, but there is no point in slagging him off.

Being a wife (or husband) is about being there for your partner, emotionally and practically - he is not your master. Whilst i can understand that he feels that while you are at home you should do stuff, but you have four children under 7 for heavens sake - have you told him how this makes you feel.

I mean, really told him - maybe you could show him this thread - it might bring him up short! He probably would be horrified if he thought he was making you feel like this. Might even think about getting you some help, should finances allow. Has this been a recent change in behaviour? Is he under pressure and taking it out on things he CAN control, like housework etc, not you. Dont just base it on the fact that actually, you do loads, but that you feel like you have to keep up to standard for him - you might be surprised by his reaction. Sometimes i do FUCK ALL in the house, and i mean FUCK ALL, I have days like that - im sure DP wishes the house was tidier and cleaner but he recognises that a) The house is in a bit of a state so keeping it tidy is a losing battle just now and b) There is more to me than a cleaner and i dont always feel like doing it, so i don't.

I dont think your DH is a bad man, but he is falling into a sorry stereotype, and unless you make a stand against it, it wont be his fault, after all, he is but a man!

NotABanana · 08/05/2008 18:12

Is he your husband or your boss?

NotABanana · 08/05/2008 18:14

He lets you???

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 08/05/2008 18:14

Oh see my thread sweetheart.

FioFio · 08/05/2008 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kerryk · 08/05/2008 18:24

my gran used to sit on the stairs with a duster (about 45 years ago when she had 4 children under the age of 5) and wait for my grandad to come in from the boat shed.

when she seen him through the glass she would jump up and run around looking busy, the 4 children (my mum being the oldest) would have been scrubbed and clothes changed if need be for him coming through the door, if anything was not in place he would withhold money from her "allowence" so that there was less to feed the children with the next week and more money for him to spend in the pub.

last month after 52 years of being married to him she had a breakdown, she is 73 years old and still works as a home carer so that she can buy herself new clothes as he spends all his pension in the bookies and her pension will only go so far.

stories like the op's really upset me, imagine looking back on your life in years to come and thinking what could have been.

justaboutdisappeared · 08/05/2008 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 18:31

DWP, it was your thread that prompted me to think about this, actually.

He's come home now - I was on the computer

I got up straight away and got tea on and was just a bit non-committal about what I'd done. trying to be my own woman here

OP posts:
keepcalmandcarryon · 08/05/2008 18:39

agree with serenity - particularly about thinking why/if he will change

it is sad that you're feeling nervous of your DH's return. Sad, not unreasonable.

life is too short to have a spotless house. If mine was spotless I would consider myself a bad mother and wife, as I would only be able to achieve it by not spending time with my family - that's just my opinion and I am clearly no domestic goddess.

edam · 08/05/2008 18:53

Oh, you really must follow the advice about clearing off for a whole day - or a weekend if you can manage it - so that he can see for himself how demanding looking after four small children is. He obviously has that learning style where you need to experience things rathert than just being told about it.

Alternatively, he's just a bully and a twonk of the first order but either way, get thee gone for a day and see how well HE copes.

missyhissey · 08/05/2008 19:03

I'm with keepcalmandcarryon.

I've said to DP that if he were ever to come home to an immaculately tidy and clean house this would be A Bad Thing because it would mean that I'd spent all my time and energy on the housework and done nothing constructive with dd. Which would mean she'd have spent all her time watching telly, which DP hates.

This usually gets the message across.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 08/05/2008 19:16

What's that poem about the husband coming back to a trashed house and kids in disarray and they wife says "you know when you ask me what did I do today, well today I didn't do it"?

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 19:32

I am so crap at this. One of the kids has overfed the fish and he told me off with 'If you were looking after the kids all day instead of doing anything, how come they did that without you knowing?' Ohg I just want to run away.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 08/05/2008 19:33

Tell him to go and fuck himself!

RubyRioja · 08/05/2008 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doobydoo · 08/05/2008 19:41

aCTUALLY i KNOW where you are coming from.My dp is fab...but does have the odd explosion re me,house,cleanliness,children etc[I only have 2 and find it knackering]
Maybe he needs a couple of days or aweek on his own with themI think in my situation it is because dp is worried about money and would like to be around more[if that makes sense]/

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 19:43

yes, he was really pleased when I put the shopping delivery away last night. I think he just gets frustrated. His mother is very houseproud (she picks up biscuit-crumbs off the carpet the instant they get dropped, with a damp-cloth she keeps for the purpose)

he's a bit pissed off that i haven't managed to potty-train the two year old yet, i think.

OP posts:
serenity · 08/05/2008 19:44

Don't give him the satisfaction of trying to defend yourself - you've done nothing wrong. If you start off saying 'I haven't done so and so, because I've been looking after the kids' you're immediately putting him in a position of power ( you are telling him that you've 'done something wrong', by not doing X)

I'd go with 'Piss off' myself, save 'fuck' in case you need to pull out the big guns later.

RubyRioja · 08/05/2008 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 19:46

He's just generally hacked off because he says I've changed the goalposts on him. Went from being happy to be a organized, house-cleaning, sahm, homeschooling mama, to not being quite so 'together' and he thinks he need to get back to it.

OP posts:
ProfessorGrammaticus · 08/05/2008 19:47

You need to talk to him, I think. Maybe he doesn't realise how critical he sounds (I have done this )

serenity · 08/05/2008 19:50

Show him the thread? (Maybe a bit too sweary)

Original poster
EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 19:50

gotta go, he's just seen the thread and told me off for gossiping about him. bloody hell.

OP posts:
BitLessTiredNow · 08/05/2008 19:51

I am NOT trying to defend him, but has anything changed for him recently? I ask because when my Dh was going through a horrid stage at work, where he felt vulnerable, he started to nitpick at home, in much the same way, and when i finally had enough and sat him down, it all came out that he felt so out of control outside the home he was jackbooting around inside it instead. as for me, I have 3 under 5 and today my sum total of the housework was to wash the kitchen floor. I always tell him that if he comes home and the house is immaculate, it is because I have let them watch TV all day, and what would he rather.