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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit nervous about Dh coming home..

215 replies

EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:07

... because he's always disappointed in what I've got done? I'm always mentally rehearsing how I can 'play up' what I've done.

He'll nod, and then a few minutes later he'll ask what else I've done. And he'll just make me feel that he's so disappointed. He's at work all day, I'm at home with the kids, blah de blah.

And to his credit, he does do stuff in the house, when he's got exasperated with the fact that I haven't done it.

Today, I've done a couple of washing and managed to get them on the line to dry. I've washed up, cleaned surfaces and cleaned the kitchen floor, and tidied the front room ready for him to vacuum (I can't push the vacuum round myself) Plus looked after four children under 7.

But I just know it's not going to be good enough, and I'm feeling really crappy about that today.

OP posts:
madamez · 08/05/2008 19:53

If you are uneasy or anxious about him coming home, then something needs to be changed and changed immediately.
If you are afraid of your partner then your marriage/relationship is in deep, deep, trouble. Tell him you are scared of him coming home, and if his reaction is anything less than shame and horror at his own behaviour having made his beloved wife afraid of him, start making plans to leave him because he will have decied that you are property, not a person, and that he is entitled to punish you if you malfunction.

RaspberrySheep · 08/05/2008 20:02

While laying on their death bed, nobody ever look back on their life and thought 'I wish I had done more housework.'!!

Maybe if you had a bit more self confidence, you would see what a valuable job you do looking after 4 impressionable young children who will grow up and remember you spending lots of time with them and love you even more for it (don't ask me how to get more self confidence as I am not full og it either!)

Failing this, ring your husband's boss and ask what your husband's been doing all day - see how he likes it!! [wink} x

Sidge · 08/05/2008 20:09

Has he ever had the children on his own for any length of time?

I think a lot of dads really don't understand just how much work small children are, let alone running a house as well. They never have enough time alone with them as the mum is always around to 'help'.

I suggest having a weekend away if at all possible - this will not only make him realise how hard you work each day, but may make him realise that you are a person too who needs some time out.

My friend had a husband like yours, he was always going on at her about how little she did. So one day she met him at the door as he got home from work on Friday, handed him their daughter, and said "bye, see you Sunday afternoon." He ate humble pie after that weekend; when she got back they had a long chat and he admitted he had no idea how hard she worked being a SAHM.

Habbibu · 08/05/2008 20:10

Oh bloody hell. This is just crap. He "lets" you have time to yourself? You give him credit for doing some tidying in his own house? So he's upset because you cottoned on to the fact that you're a person and not a fucking house-elf? I hope he carries on reading this. And then leave him with the kids all day, perhaps even for a few days and see if the goldfish make it...

clam · 08/05/2008 20:18

Let him read this..... it's been doing the internet rounds for a while now, but I think it could show your DH what's what:

.......A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

NotABanana · 08/05/2008 20:20

RubyRioja I think it is a good sign that he mucks in andhelps too.

Are you for real?

NotABanana · 08/05/2008 20:21

RubyRioja I think it is a good sign that he mucks in andhelps too.

Are you for real?

tribpot · 08/05/2008 20:25

"instead of doing anything" He needs a wakeup call.

Carmenere · 08/05/2008 20:25

I seriously think that this man needs to spend more than one day with his children solo. I think he is sufficiently bullying to keep the kids scared enough of him to behave for one day. He needs a week alone with them to appreciate his dw.

garnettopaz · 08/05/2008 20:30

hey - i haven't read all the postings but you've managed to do in one day more than i do on an average day and i look after two children and not four - also i'd suggest that he takes a week holiday from work and spends it at home taking care of the children and everything else while you have a proper break!!

Janni · 08/05/2008 20:35

Clam - I was just thinking of that one and hoping someone would know it!!

It's absolutely right that if one were a nanny to 4 under 7, one would not be expected to do anything other than look after the children and it would be considered a proper, demanding job.

Why do we think looking after our own is easier? In some ways it's more demanding because children behave worse for good old mum than for a carer and because we know that we'll be held responsible in some way for whatever weird quirk or problem they exhibit.

theAfkaUrbanDryad · 08/05/2008 20:50

Eruvadne - I think you need to have a chat with him. It entirely possible he has no idea how he makes you feel. If he does know how you feel then he's a controlling, uptight, motherfucker person and you need to get out.

But that's only if he knows the kind of effect he's actually having on you.

You homeschool your children. You have 4 children. You are not a cleaner, you are a mother, a teacher, a nurse, a cook (for them) and chauffeur. He is not a child. He can look after himself. Apart from anything else, how can you being ill be counted as "moving the goalposts"? That is fuckwittery of the highest order, I'm afraid.

And sometimes, 2 year olds are just not ready to potty train. My friend's 3.5 year old has only just potty trained - but still wears a nappy at night. There is nothing wrong with this. Your toddler will potty train in their own time.

Feel free to email me if you need to have a ranty rant mate

LovingTheWeather · 08/05/2008 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 08/05/2008 21:24

Clam, that's the one I was thinking about!

keepcalmandcarryon · 08/05/2008 22:20

hmm, MN has been down for some time - did occur to me it might have overloaded with posts on this thread leaping to your defence

trying very hard not to be Lady Chief Justice Judgy McJudge here - each relationship has its own momentum, and no-one can work out if its working apart from the people in the relationship. But if you're not happy, and he's angry and 'telling you off' - arghh...

and really like the line about 'you are not a house elf' - may have to change my MN name...

best wishes, hope you're ok

serenity · 09/05/2008 00:56

Just got home from work and wanted to see how things were this evening - hope it was ok.

TheHedgeWitch · 09/05/2008 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EruvandeAini · 09/05/2008 14:12

Dh has asked me to apologize to him publicly for this thread. I'm sorry.

I'm going to delete my MN registration entirely. Thanks to everyone who has supported over my time on here, both as SueBaroo and in the past couple of weeks under this name. I can't even begin to say how nice it has been to be able to offload, but I know now that it's not acceptable.

OP posts:
NotABanana · 09/05/2008 14:19

Darling, you can do much better than your H.

becaroo · 09/05/2008 14:22

Not acceptable???

Eh??

Since when???

Please reconsider!

Surely the reaction of the posters on here has proved to you that you are not the one behaving unreasonably!

fryalot · 09/05/2008 14:22

I am practically speechless.

He has no right to make you apologise - you haven't done anything wrong, we all need to offload, and it seems to me that you have plenty to offload about.

He is trying to manipulate and control you.

Does he hit you?

itsahardknocklife · 09/05/2008 14:22

he's asked to apologise to him? He sounds very controlling.
not acceptable to offload? yes it bloody well is and this is the perfect place!

NotABanana · 09/05/2008 14:27

I have a horrible feeling she is going to get his anger taken out on her.

itsahardknocklife · 09/05/2008 14:28

I just hope that her seeing the responses to her post will make her see how unreasonable he is.

Cicatrice · 09/05/2008 14:32

Don't go!